No sleep tonight. Well not really.

it is four minutes to one in the morning.
i have school tomorrow and i’m not asleep yet

i decide to spend my time rebeliously staying up by blogging.
oh and i painted. it is this one picture i took when i was at juno beach.
very nice, just hope the painting turns out just as nice.

taaaa. i think i should be off to bed.

The big day.

six days. the number of days till i turn seventeen.

as the years gone by, the excitement of birthdays slowly begin to die. i didn’t notice how close my birthday was until just an hour ago. at first i had the excitement feeling where ‘wow, i can’t believe how close it got.’ but then that feeling faded away. i don’t feel any major change when the day comes and the only thing different on that day is that people say happy birthday to me. big whoop. some people countdown to the second the ‘big day’ comes along like people do for new years. me on the other hand wake up and and think ‘sweet, im seventeen’

people throw parties and get wasted and smashed to celebrate the big day. good job man you can’t remember your birthday. and then some people just use their birthday as an excuse to do it. wait, those two are the same thing nvm. you can say i use birthdays to my advantage, nothing as extravagant as that tho. i just use my birthday as a get out of the house pass without questions from my parents. they owe me.

when i was younger i was the type to get super excited and would start countdowns months before hand. i guess its because i was just excited to get older and grow up. but now i don’t care. there’s no big change, these teen years of my life is pretty ‘uniformed constant’. there is not much i look forward to. but i can promise you that once i get to a certain age like normal people now a days. i would be dreading birthdays, its a sign of getting older. so here’s the pattern. excited, neutral, unagitated.

some people say that the only thing they want is to spend it with their friends and family. but honestly like i said birthdays are just any other day for me, so it doesnt really matter. tho it would be sweet if i can spend it with people i love, it’s kind of never possible to my situation.

Boo!

i hate horror movies. i hate watching horror movies. i dont understand why people like it, they say that its the thrill and adrenaline feeling and the fact that what ever happens in the movie doesn’t really happen to them. if you want a rush of thrill and suspense go ride a roller coaster. they are way more exciting in my opinion.
the type of horror movie i dislike the most is gore or more specifically ‘saw’ movies. i don’t understand how watching someone die in such horrible ways interesting. i know it is not real but if you get amusement from seeing people die horrible deaths like sawing their own leg off, then you may be kind of disturbed. like seriously, jig saw died in the third movie but they are making more and more movies that continue of him finding apprentices after he croaked. i can see that his character in the movie may be ‘smart’ or ‘intelligent’ but that is just unrealistic. and to think, people get paid to think of ways to kill people, how normal can you be? i already hate the suspense feeling of movies, i dont need the throwy upy feeling from someone getting their sculpt ripped off. ugh.
i don’t watch movies unless i have no choice. even if i do i usually read the movie spoiler so i would know what to expect and that i wont pee from pants from the element of surprise. you may say that i totally ruined the movie for myself, but honestly it’s not like i care if i ruin it. i didnt want to watch it in the first place.
i hate horror movies.

Really really long…

this is definetly a depression post.

so kiwanis is over. it’s all done, and ive never felt better. not because i did exceptionally well but that i don’t have to stress and cram anymore. my first class which was the mozart i told  you about. and you know how i told you that that day i practiced for six plus hours? well i bombed it the next day. had to restart a few times because my mind just totally blanked. but i ended up with a 84. that afternoon i had my bach sinfonia. i can tell that i’m not very good at this but while a was practicing this at home. i swear that i played it perfect like 25 times. but when i got them i couldnt even start it. the adjudicator asked if i wanted a peak before trying again so i did. and then i fucked up again in the middle. like fmylife now! i got up for my bow  but he told me to take and other peak and start at the middel. i did and finished it. like when i play i can play it perfectly, but then i mess up and i basically fall flat on my face. i ended up with a 80. it just feels like i can try as hard as i can, but i can never do good. and today. oh wow. i know i wouldnt do good in this class so i cant really complain. i got a 78. worse mark i have EVER gotten. but what ever. i still have to tell my piano teacher. definetly not excited.

now back to the point of this post. yesterday before my bach, i had a break down. i was saying to my mom that i can’t play for my life even if i practice a shit load, and i’m fat. i was looking down at my tummy. i just checked my bmi. i’m  five foot three and i’m one hundred and thirty eight pounds. i’m 0.5 away from being over weight. also i feels like that there is nothing i’m good at. i can’t do music, i try to do art but i dont’ have the initiative to try. i tried out for sports all my life, but end up either quitting or get cut from the team so what am i good at? i realize tha i can’t be the best, but i want to be up there. i’m so average.

school. i used to be smart. i used to be mega smart in elementary school. i was one of the four math helpers.  but then high school came. like take the last physics test for instance. i studied my ass off. worked on all the questions the teacher ever gave us and i end up with a 74. on the other hand, my friend that i guess didnt study as much as me not saying that she didnt, but she did head off to bed first got a 83. i thought i did well. i thought i understood everything. but i guess i was wrong. i try so hard. but i would never be good enough. and this got me thinking. by the rate im going. i wouldnt be able to get into the university that i want. my dad was like you’re not stupid. but what does he know. he thinks that im smart because my average last semester was 90%. but seriously my classes last semester was math, painting, design and chem. it’s the art and design that keeps my mark up. i fail at english. im average at math. and now i have to add physics to the list of complete epic fails. how am i suppose to hold up a high 80’s average for next year. i’m not going to get into a good university, i’m not going to go around the world for co-op, i’m not going to land a good job because of the shit university i will go to . and i’m going to be a bum, on the streets earning less the 60000 a year. how do i know guys would want a poor bum. and now how am i going to have kids with no other half?

now to add to me depression i was thinking of all the flaws of myself. yes that makes it wayyy better. i think i’m legally blind with out my visual aids. i can’t see more then a feet away from my. well nothing clear that is. my eye sight is worse then a hamsters, they can see about five feet. i don’t like sharing my prescription. it’s -7.50? that’s really really really bad. i swear i need to wear one of those checkered badges. and like it doesnt help that my eyes are badly agstigmatism either. im so weird. and then theres my hair. i can’t leave the house without burning it up by straightening it over and over again! its a effing frizz ball and i dont know why its like that. when i was younger it was straight. it was beautiful now its so gross. my right eye is bigger then my left eye. yes you can say that not one is perfectly symetrical. but seriously my eyes are effed up. my right eye has a creasse/fold what ever you call it. but then my left is totally the stereotypical hooded no crease eye. not that i dont like it. but i rather they be the same. like can it not be bother double eye lid or both be hooded? is that hard to ask? i look so demented its not funny. ughhhhhh! oh and did i mention i’m fat? okay i’m done. i dont want antyone getting mad. so i think i’m goibng to go. lunch is arriving and people are going to start pouring it. sigh.

What life?

8:50am-11:32am School.
11:40am-12:00pm Walk home in the cold rain.
12:00pm-2:30pm Piano Practice
3:10pm Kiwanis festival
4:30pm-7:30pm Piano Practice
8:00pm-9:00pm Piano Lessons.
10:00pm-? Piano Practice.

a total of more than six hours of piano today. wowzaaah.

I played Sonata in B flat major 1st movement KV 570. messed up a little. Ended up with a mark of 83 and came in third place out of four people. I tied for third.How embarrassing. But seriously, i’m really sore from sitting up right and playing all day. i can’t wait till all this is over.

I always hate playing my first class every year but this year i got it worse. well i got it usual nervous symtoms; shaking, teeth chattering, fast ass heart pumping. but i experienced something new, i felt like i was going to puke and during the first half of my performance ( which was like 2-3 mins) the ends of my fingers were getting numb even though i was playing. scary shit man. and i have go through it again tomorrow, twice. let’s just hope it’s not as bad.

Class.

In Business right now. yes the one where i thought it was a technology class. in about four hours i will be competing in my first piano class. oh boy. i’m not excited. and in about half an hour i will be walking home from school to do more practicing. in the rain. so not excited. and i’m hungry which doesnt add to the situation. i just hope i don’t fall on my face when i place…. well or physically seeing as that’s something i would totally do.

i’ll probably post about my results and what happened when i get home after the thing. which i’m not sure how i’m getting home…. i really don’t want to take the bus, and i don’t want to spent the money to get a cab and since the place it downtown, there is no way i would walk home even if i want to IN THE RAIN. so i guess…. i’ll have to figure it out.

i should be working on some business letter, but i really don’t want to do that. so that resorts to me just sitting here… enjoy the clickingness of the the class doing work. oh im a rebel. my neighbours are prob peeking over to see what im doing, which i’ve seen them do. but all they see is a small ass windown opened to take up about 1/3 of the screen. hehe im so secretive. muahahah!

well, i think i should be getting at with looking like i’m doing work. wooooo!

peace out home slice gee biscuit.

Cramm.

For the pass four days, i have been practicing 3+ hours of piano a day. why is this such a surprise you may ask? well usually i won’t practice for more then one hour. as you can see i’m am definetly cramming for monday. but i think it’s working! i’m sounding soooo good! never felt so accomplish in my life. my goal is go atleast a 85? though i would prob get that mark. it would be good if i can get a scholarship too, but i would be pushing it with that. you’ll never know. i’ve gotten it two of the three years of competing. maybe if i try really really hard and believe in myself.

because of all this practicing and m busy schedual, i stopped rugby this year :( it was such a hard and sad decision. i just felt it was not fair to myself and the team that i was missing practices. it’s not like i wanted to misst he practices either. i guess it just means more free time and more time to focus on school. but i do have a bitter feeling when ever i see or hear anything relating to rugby. it’s the feeling of being left out? but i guess i can’t really complain since it was my choice. i’m definetly doing it next year, seeing as i would probably be done piano, and volunteer and all that jazz. oh boy. highschool is breezing right by, it’s scary.

ha! another post within ten mins. woot.