Waiting.

when i was in elementry school, i thought that maybe in highschool i might get asked to dances, and get asked to dance with people i would be ‘happy’ to dance with. i thought maybe i would have my first boyfriend in highschool. maybe i would the someone that people would invite to parties. but nothing has changed, i hope for these stuff, but hoping for the best only kills the reality.

lately, well for a while now, ive been thinking about things that i hope that would happen later on, short term and long term. here they are:

  • having a date for prom
  • be happy with my body sometime in my life
  • get my first boyfriend in highschool (still)
  • get good enough mark to get an interview to waterloo university
  • get into waterloo
  • get a  decent salary
  • get married to someone i love
  • be able to have kids
  • basically be successful in life

th0se are the basics. but in so many ways they can be screwed over by random things happening. i’ve never really been one with luck so that’s out of the game for my life. and trying hard doesnt always do me any good. so what do i have? it kind of sucks.

the reason that i am thinking about this may be that i am a pessimist. i always thought that i might be a ‘realist’ but i guess thinking lately and having it lead to negative thoughts all the time proved my point.

having a date for prom/first boyfriend in highschool. i have a feeling that this is not going to happen. a high percentage? why? because i’m not a girl that guys would that the time out of their life to think about. i think of guys they don’t towards me, well atleast the ones that i might have feelings towards anyways. maybe i don’t give those guys a chance, but there is a reason that i just don’t feel it. i can’t force myself to. i was the grade 12′s prom last night to help out and it made me realized that prom would be so much better with a date. people came in pairssat together, danced together. it was adorable. and then i think of me. shitty.

be happy with my body sometime in my life. there are so much imperfections. i try, i’m not trying hard enough. i’ve been telling myself to work out since grade 8. three years later the only thing that has changed is that i gained an extra 15 lbs and became a blob. also living in a family where complained about me being too big so is so common doesnt make it any better. i have no motivation. i try sports, but i’m not good enough. when will this goal happen?

get good enough mark to get an interview to waterloo university/get into waterloo. basically i’m too dumb to get in. i’m lazy. but if i take that away and if i still work my butt off and try my hardest i never get the mark that i want. what happened since grade 8? i was smart, now what? my goal is to get an 88 average next year just to be safe. but how am i suppose to get that average? i’m dumb as fuck. how am i suppose to get even a simple interview. i’m going to get into a second rated university where i will not be happy with, then what?

get a  decent salary. a few weeks ago someone from conestoga talked to us about our career paths about the architectural world. he was telling us that there are other jobs in the building industy other than being architect. the way he said it, it seems like he was trying to push us away from it. saying that architects don’t even make that much money. great i turned away from fashion design and being an artist when i was young because i know that if you are not on top of the game you will not make a good salary, and now i have to add architecture to my list? he said that some architects make less than a truck driver. would that be me?

get married to someone i love. that is my worse night mare. what if i’m the type of person to marry someone just the ‘marry someone’ would i be that desperate? i want a life like the other married couples where the reason they are married is because they truely adore one another. that’s what i want, what if i never the the chance?

be successful in life. refer to above.

i’m wait for something in my life to happen to show me that it will all be worth it.  i’m ready and is prepare for the nasties to happen. but if it is the nasties that are going to happen to me in life, honestly what is there to live for?

Dentist.

my mother gave me her debit card to pay for my fillins when i’m done. she decides to leave. i go through the most uncomforable time ever. pay for it and get yelled at. she tells me that i shouldnt have used the debit if it was over 100 dollars. well mother did you tell me that? and then she complains about how much the fucking filling was. i’m sorry that you lived off welfare for the past few years and had a fuck load of discounts on everything single fucking thing. but seriously this is the real deal. and i’m sorry that i got two fucking cavities. i brush my teeth, but i guess not good enough. like fuck me. i don’t want cavities, i didnt choose to make you spend the money. so great you take out your fucking rage at me. blaming me for paying with the debit card, blaming me for not asking how much the fucking filling was suppose to cost, blaming me for not asking for the dentist that gives us discounts for leaving a ‘equipement’ in your tooth when they did your root canal, blaming me for getting the cavity. what am i suppose to do? ask how much it is and if its expensive say no and have my fucking hole on my tooth get worse? its your fucking fault for being cheap and not getting fucking insurance, you know we would get cavities then why not? seriously. im so mad right now. and she makes me drive as she rants about this shit. and then half way home blames me for not going to fucking walmart. um did you tell me you were going to walmart? i was the one that had to get drills and metal slammed into my mouth. now my fucking right side of the mouth is numb along with my tongue. way to make me feel way better. and sweet pms all of the house. fucking shit. mom you’re a joke.

sorry for all the words.

Bias.

i realized that i really like the movie marie antoinette.

then i realized that my liking may be a bias decision. i think it partly is. the story itself is interesting, though the ending is kind of sudden and the story goes by really fast. but then i loved it since it took place in france and how she is living the most amazing life.

i think i am partly bias with all european movies and shows that i like. half is because they are better then the stuff holiwood sets out, and it makes it even better that it is foreign and it gives me a glisp of life across the pond.

why am i here?

Ponder time.

I think im dumb. ive been spending the past week or so, maybe more thinking about getting married somewhere really nice. and then i was thinking that how will i ensure that everyone will be there? so i was like, i’ll pay for the airplane ticket. i went on and on thinking about all these problems i was pondering about.

until now. the destination can be for the honeymoon! i totally forgot about that. oh boy. i don’t even know why i’m thinking about it. how do i know i would get married. god bless that it will happen plea

Escape.

i feel that dreaming is such a magical thing, i have a feeling that i might have blogged about this before, i’m not sure. i checked and i didnt see anything so i’m going to blog about it anyways. dreaming is my escape from reality, its a place where i can go back in time to a place that holds the memory and relive it all over again. it is a place that things happen that might not happen in the real world. its a place where i can be and do what ever i want. i head to bed thinking that i would dream, i know i may not remember the majority of them in the morning, but at least i would ‘experience’ it in the dream world at one time.

i wish the real world was more like the dream world. but our world is too complicated for that, there are too many imperfections to be ever consider a dream. but instead of ‘wishing’ that the world is more like how i would really like it, i can do everything in my power to follow my dreams. so that’s what they mean by letting your dreams be your inspirations to life. it’s going to happen.

What am I suppose to say?

im not good at comforting people when they are upset or tell me their problems. i have never been raised to know what to do when that happens. and when ever i don’t know how to react, i feel like a bad friend. my friends are spilling their life and problems out to me, and i just stand there, trying to know what to do. i sucks. and i’m afraid to say the wrong thig, what if they don’t want me to say anything, what if they do and i decide to keep my mouth shut? its a lose lose either way. i really need to read some book on how to deal with others. i guess i can’t complain about it much, im not close enough to much people for every single person to tell me about their life, if that happens, i really dont know if i would give enough to care at that point. the way things are right now are perfect.

Boo, school.

im doing a data management isu. its a prego ladies and their healthiness. maybe it’s just this topic, but it is so hard! its not like the other topics with all the variables. mine are limited. i can do what other people are doing, eg. compare people with diabetes by sex. i can’t do that! mine are all women, so there goes those graphs. this probably has the same difficulty level as the other ones everyone else has. i think i’m just mentally challenged, if anything, i probably have a mild case of it. i said this on anna’s facebook, so i thought i should share it again. the doctors probably thought it was unnecessary to tell my parents about my ‘problem’ when i was born. god. and i have to have this 10 min presentation done on tuesday to present. honestly i don’t do good with presentations. well… maybe it’s because i have not taken anyclasses that requires me to presentate since last july? yes, last class i had to present in was in summer school for english.

speaking of summer school, i signing up for summer school this year again, for grade 12 english. if you’re wondering, no i am not taking summerschool because i’m stupid, its so i dont have to take the damn course during the school year and come up with a dreadful bad mark. atleast in summer school it’s easier and shorter and i get a better mark. yes it’s the easy way out, but why the heck not?