No luck.

Today I put in money into the vending machine hoping to get a bag of baked lays barbecue chips; the machine ate $1.25. That sucked so I put money into another machine to get a ‘YOP’ yogurt drink. I got my drink and while I was going back to my stuff, I was showing my anger and decided to smack the bottom of my drink on the table. Newton’s Third Law backfired. The force I applied on the table, came back through the bottle, the cap flew off as well as a stream of yogurt. Of which now my bag has a nasty streak of dried up yogurt on it. Oh boy.

Fuck my life.

This weekend me and my family along with my friend are going for a little vacation to niagara falls. We are going to stay at this hotel that is attached to a water park. Several issues arised:

  • Total people: me, stanley, two brothers and mother (total=5) We think of getting a two queen size bed room which is base on four people (fifth person extra) and comes with four water park passes. Plan: sneak stanley in and the kids use the passes while mother say back and chill.
  • Mother decides to invite her friend and her son. Plan: same room plan, sneak two more people in.
  • Plan changes: Get a three queen size bed room which comes with 4 passes, and sneak one person in. (max=6)
  • Two days ago, my mother calls me and ask if it was okay to delay the trip, even though I was upset by the fact because me and my friend has been getting pumped for it, I accepted the change and was ready to tell my friend.
  • Yesterday, my mother calls me and asks how I would feel if we still went, awesome. So I reserved our room.
  • First time reserving, booked the wrong weekend. Called in to fix it.
  • Mistakenly booked the day before. Called in to fix it.
  • Fixed and good. Until my mother comes home and tells me to change the room to a two queen size. Called in again. (note this all happened in an hour)
  • Today, my mother tells me to change it back to a three bedder. Called in again.
  • 5 minutes later, mother comes down laughing knowing I would be mad and asks if I can change it back. I had a fit and said no and spazzed at her and told her to fuck off.

As you can see, I got really frustrated at something that could have been so great. I was filled with annoyance and anger. Can people really not make up their mind with shit? I think I know what the problem is. My mother was raised to be cheap and is always thinking up schemes to get the ‘best’ out of deals. I think it’s an asian thing. Trying to sneak people in, at a point she was thinking of sneaking 3 fucking people into a room with 2 beds. How the fuck did she think that was going to work? Is she that mental?

There anger out and I feel better.

A wish…

I saw a shooting star today.

I was riding my bike home from my friends house and all of a sudden, I see the sky flash as if there were flashes of lightning. The whole sky lit up when this happened, and I thought it actually was lightning. I then prayed to god that it was not going to rain, cursing at the weather. I then looked up at the sky to await the rain, but instead I saw something else. It was a quick streak of light. It lasted for less than a second but it was a moment to last a life time. I saw a shooting star.

I have seen this phenomenon twice before this time and my reactions afterward has never changed. All these happened within two-three years. It always brings a smile to my face, knowing that I was lucky enough to see such an amazing and rare sight. But the only downside is that every time that I see a shooting star, I forget to make a wish. I get caught up with the realization of what just happened and it is usually only till someone ask if I made I wish upon the falling star that I remember that I didn’t.

I cannot wait till my next encounter with my little friend.

First step to Life Dream.

I am going to go backpacking in Europe.

It may not turn out to be too ‘extreme’ backpacking, but it will be on the border line of luxury travelling and backpacking.

I guess it depends how much money I will have by the time I decide to go and who I go with.

This will be a moment of life I will never forget. And I am stoked.

But in reality, this ‘Adventure of a life time’ is not for another few years. I wish I would finish school already, I’m ready to experience the world.

After my journey of discovery, I will spend on more luxury on a later trip in the years to come after that.

This is a goal, it is not a if or but, it is DEFINITE.

There’s been a shift…

Have you ever had the slightest feeling that you are loosing someone that is close to you to someone else? Be it relationship, friendship or family.

Someone that the person feels more comfortable with, someone that they are able to relate better with when it comes to morals and values.

It kinda sucks.

I probably need you more than you need me.

Going to die alone.

I’m seventeen years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I see people around have boyfriends. The beautiful, the ugly. The nice, the mean. Am I really that average that I’m never up to anyone’s standards?

In grade eight, I told myself that it was going to be different, I will have my first boyfriend in my highschool years and it would be amazing. I’m in my last year of highschool now, and I haven’t had anything close to a relationship. Maybe I’m not putting in enough effort. Of course having a boyfriend is not top priority for me, it’s just something that comes along. But I want to know what it feels like to have someone there, that I can act carefree and have intimate moments with. That sounds totally corny, but cuddling isn’t a bad thing. Too bad it’s not like I can do it with my friends.

I know that I will have no chance to have my grade eight dreams come true in the months to come. I already know all the guys at my school, there isn’t anyone new for me to get used to. I also don’t have much opportunity to meet new guys from different schools etc. All I can hope now is to maybe have my first boyfriend in university. Honestly though, there has to be something within me that is happening that is making my undatable in the past few years. I can’t just blame everything on others.

I can’t really say that I didn’t have my chances, but it just never felt right. When I am the least bit interested and flattered from the attention someone gives me, it turns out that the person sees me as a sex object hoping to get action. Then when I really like someone so much, the person doesn’t have the same feelings back. And most recently, I thought I liked someone, but I just didn’t want to be the one trying to make the awkwardness less awkward between us two.

Am I being too picky? There are so many girls that are able to get into nice healthy relationships with people that likes them back, and sometimes it’s just naturally easy for them.

I don’t want to be the girl that guys just think of me as a  mere friend. Maybe I’m not reaching out enough, stopping every time at a point where I just shut down from further connection. I know I’m still young, but what if this doesn’t change and it lasts for the years coming. Obviously I won’t know how to handle relationships when I finally get into one, would that make me that less attractive? Oh boy, this is going to be a long next few years.

I have weight issues.

I am five foot three, (three and a half if i’m lucky) and my average weight is 135lbs. My BMI is 23.9 and that lies within the ‘normal weight’ category.

I never considered myself skinny, I would be lying if i say so. But at the same time I don’t think I am seriously fat. Of course I have my days where I feel really low about myself and the reflection in the mirror is not something I want to see. I know my body can always be improved, and that is on my mind from time to time.

But I have never felt hate towards my body until the past month I had to spend in Hong Kong. I have never felt ashamed to look into the mirror until then. I feel disgusted when I accidentally steal a peak at my reflection when I’m in public. Why has this happened? Why did I suddenly feel this change in my mind about myself. From the moment I landed in Hong Kong, people who are my family, friends of family, mere acquaintance of my family have been telling me about something I personally have the most insecurity issue over. My weight. Maybe it is the way their society works, that they are raised to be straight forward with what they have in mind, be it negative or positive. Another factor may be that the fact that 90% percent of the female population is skinny twigs.

Am I jealous of them? Yes and no. I am jealous that they have the natural ability to be ideal weight and body shape of the society they are living in. But no because I don’t think I would be happen being as skinny as them. I think there is a difference between the words slim and skinny, I would like to be slim. The skinny I saw in Hong Kong was one of those where if you were to see it here where I live, one would tell the person to go eat a burger.

There was something that I have also noticed while I was in Hong Kong. The message that being skinny is the only way that one would be loved, the only way someone can be happy, the only way that one can be accepted into society. This message was transmitted through the countless media advertisements that were accessable to everyone. I am in the subway, and every three giant poster advertisement on the wall are weight loss programs. I saw a riduculous commercial on the tv on the bus about this ‘fat’ lady that got blew off by a guy, but after she went to some dance studio for weight loss, she came out and the guy was all over her.

That was not the commercial I had in mind, but it would do. You get the point.

People used to tell me that the North American media influence on body shape was bad, but now I would like to challenge that ‘opinion’. If you open a magazine such as Seventeen or CosmoGirl, etc. You will find that there are sections where they show clothing that would flatter many different body sizes. They try to teach girls to enhance their bodies and love themselves as they are. But in Hong Kong when I was there, there was none of that. If you are not skinny like the girl on the poster, you are not beautiful. I felt ashamed of myself, and my body. I hated myself for not being able to be like everyone else and live up to what they believe is ‘ideal’

There were two types of girls you would see on the streets. There would be the typical skinny girls that look like each other and would hold themselves highly with confidence. Then the rest that are not so fortunate and are not what the magazines tell them to be, where clothes that hide their body, and somehow they just don’t have the same confidence as the other girls. Is this what the media wants? I was told one day that the way companies get people to buy a product is to make them feel ugly about themselves. Hey, that worked. It makes me upset to think that, I was only in  Hong Kong for a month and I believe that it had put me into a slight depression, how are the other girls deal with it? Obvious they do not get praised to be ‘not’ what the media tells them to be.

I was upset numerous times, and I cried from time to time from the being upset. My immediate family was able to bash on me and make fun of me, that I was used to. But then there were the family that I have not seen in ages and they start giving me the nickname ‘fatty’ (granpa’s brother) It got to a point that while I was waiting for my father to pay after a meal that the cashier lady pointed at my bloated belly and said, ” Oh, she’s got a little chub there.” I just ate…? It became a daily bullying, but to tell you the truth, people may not have even thought of it as a form of bullying.

Maybe I’m just trying to differentiate between the eastern and western culture and idea of beauty. Or I may be just ranting on something that has been on my mind that I personally got hurt from. But either way, it is good to be able to let it out and express it with every little detail that I can put into words.