Obligation.

My blog has too much videos and pictures and no enough writing.

It makes me feel stupid, it makes me feel like that i can only express my words and feelings with pictures of hot guys and products. I want to blog about subjects that actually mean something to me. Basically I want to be deep. I have enough teenage angst in me that I feel that I can sometime come up with worthwhile stuff to talk about, but I just don’t always know how to express it. I’m not good with words. I trip over them when I talk, it’s quite embarrassing. I think I should go to speech class or something.

Should I be worried when I say that I want to go out and learn to hangout with different people and make new friends. Would that be betraying my current friendships? I feel the obligations to put them first in everything because even though I only have a few friends, they are closer than anything else I need. I feel the betrayal when one of my friends hangout with someone else over me, would they feel the same when I do that? I feel a blast of jealousy when my best friends become closer friends with someone else, while our friendship itself is slipping off the edge. It’s like a scale, me on one side and the ‘other’ friend on the other side. As my ability to be best friends with someone lessens, the other side of the scale increases. It’s bound to happen right?

Muscles!

I love going to the gym, but I don’t. I love working out the sweat and getting fit, but I hate walking there. I like seeing new people, but I don’t like people watching me doing my awkward workouts.

How contradicting. I must go pump some iron now. And walk there in the freezing cold.

I lied. According to weathernetwork it is 11 degree Celsius out. And it’s sunny. So I guess it’s not going to be that bad.

Time is ticking…

In about 3 month’s time, deadlines for applications to university will be due.

In about 5-6 month’s time, I will have interviews and presentations of my portfolio.

In about 6-7 month’s time, I will be getting my letters of acceptance or rejection.

I never knew three years ago, that this process would be so stressful and scary. Heck, I never even thought about it. I just thought, ‘3 years is a long time, might as well just live it up.’ But, 3 years goes by so fast. I want to rewind and live high school all over again, I don’t want to deal with this at the moment. This is my first step to the rest of my life. The decisions I make now, marks what I am going to be doing for the next 4 years (or maybe more) It’s going to be a new start. Without all the people I had thr0ughout my last four years. They will all be leading their lives. It is the next chapter of my life, where I leave most of the past behind and look towards the future. New responsibilities, new stress, new people, new life. I no longer have teachers that actually care about my marks and what I’m capable of doing. Nor do I have my parents there to set up my boundaries,  it is all me now. I’m my own discipline and motivator.  Everything I do now is through my actions, the rights, the wrongs, the inbetweens. I don’t have an excuse for my actions now as they are all made my me. Fear is also building up day by day, week by week. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I can’t get into calculus, what would happen then? What if I’m not what the school is looking for? My heart would be crushed and I can basically live the next year thinking of what I did wrong.

Growing up is a pain in the ass.

Oh hey.

Okay, as spontaneous as this sounds and as amazing stupid as it seems, it is confermed that I am going to have a ‘Beautiful/Hot Men’ page. I just decided. This way I won’t always have to create single blog posts for hot men. I can now gather then all in one page and I can stare and admire all at the same time. Oh am I smart.

Dear Friend.

Our friendship is never going to be the same. The complications that we have ran into, is the major contributor. I guess we are getting what we deserved, we really are. It has only been a week and it has already effected me deeply. I guess this was going to happen sooner or later, with university coming up and us going our own ways, I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. I frown at the thought that we can’t openly call each other, or get seen with each other outside of school. Our last actual phone call was over a week ago. I’ve never gone so long with not seeing your number on my caller ID, I miss it. I want things to go back to the way they are, but they never will. This will only get worse with time. With us getting use the not having each other there. I feel stupid for speaking as if I’m moving away and that we will never see each other again, but this kind of feels like it. We talk only at school and through the occasional text. We can no longer express ourselves to each other the way we are used, the emotions, the truths.

A, I need you so much in my life, I just hope you feel the same way back.

Orange

Get out.

I really want to get out and just meet new people. At the moment, I am so close to that, yet it just doesn’t seem like it is happening. It is also something I really need right now. I am tired of the faces I see in the hallway, they mean nothing to me.  All I have right now are my best friends. I don’t want to replace them in anyway, but I know I am going to need more people this time next year. At the moment, I just don’t  meet people the way other people do. I don’t go out enough and the people my friends know I basically know.

I guess what I am saying that maybe when I meet new people, this would open the door for the ‘guys’. It is an opportunity, plain and simple. At times when I am not on my own ‘turf’ I feel that I am able to be what ever I want to be. This results in when I come in contact with cute guys I don’t have to worry about them thinking about how I really am. It’s a new me with no luggage. I’m so tired with the people that are acquaintances to me.