Media Scam?

I’ve spent the past two days searching far and wide all over xanga for the best graphics ever.

It is valentines day, so a lot of it is lubby dubby. How cute right? Actually it is. It makes me wonder, all these cute stuff that I see in pictures or quotes, do people really say or do that in real life?

If I expect someone to actually treat me that way, all sweet and cute, is it realistic? I really don’t know, I have no experience, so all I can do is enbed these images into my head and hope for the day that it will happen to me.

It feels like I’m digging myself a hole for disappointment.

Dead.

The other night I had a dream that I died. Well I was a ghost in my dream and I don’t recall how I actually died. I’m not sure if dreaming about death is healthy for me, but that’s not the focus of this post.

There was two things that I remembered that was running through my head while I was in dream world. The first was wondering if people would notice that I’m gone. You know when people have ‘RIP’s in their names and such. Well I didn’t see anyone feeling sympathy for my death in my dream. I was kind of upset. But now that I think of it, would it really matter if people of peer acquaintance acknowledges my not being there? I wouldn’t even care. This is when I thought that deep inside, I’m an attention whore. I kind of like attention from time to time, but it just never happens. I can try my best to look good or anything, and I would not get the attention some of the other people get. I’m used to it. Really. I’m just not one of ‘those’ girls. I’ll always be average. Wow, I like the direction that this took.

The second thing that I was thinking about was… ‘I died a virgin.’ I’m not even going to come up with a meaning to that. Nah, I’ll try to explain it a bit. It would be a night mare to die without ever find that someone. I have a feeling that it wasn’t all about dieing pure. I know that when I lose it, it will be with someone special. And just thinking of leaving this world without ever having someone would be a hell hole. There ya go.

Beautiful.

I’m a sucker for pretty things, who isn’t? But for me, I take everything around me in. Maybe it is the artistic view that I have developed in the past few years. I take in colour, shapes and space of everything I see. I’m always on the look out for beautiful things. I observe and record. I want to keep what I feel is an amazing visual spectacle to me forever. I take pictures, I draw, I paint, and I save. I like scavaging through the internet, looking for beautiful icons and graphics. I’m a nerd. I’m not going to deny that.

Anything can be beautiful, and everything is! I’m sure you can even make a pile of poo look beautiful if you look at it in the right angle, with the right lighting. ( I bet it would be difficult though, but it’s possible?)

I love breath taking scenes and landscapes that our earth has to offer. Be it completely nature or totally urban, it is still beautiful


Olympics.

The olympics is a beautful thing. A unitation of the world, a presentation of our nations pride and the chance of achieving the dreams of the hard worked atheletes of the world. I get shivers when watching it, I get tingles, I get shivers, my hair stands up. I’m watching the Olympic opening ceremony right now that is taking place in Vancouver, Canada. My home country. The very fact that this is all happening on the same soil that I am stepping on is ecstatic. I may only be a spectator of this event, but I feel so much involved. It is exciting, watching our country at it’s best. I may be bias towards this event. I know there are people that are against, but that’s them and this is me. I feel proud to be this country that is going to be home for the hundreds of atheletes that will be staying here for the next 17 days. Our national anthem is now playing, and I’m all giddy all over. This ladies and gents, is my nationalism towards my beloved country.

Olympics happens every 2 years, enlightening us with our talented super humans of our world. They compete for their chance for gold, representing their country and most definetly their selves. All the hard work that is put into their lives are being lived in the next 2 and a half weeks. I give them props. They are talented and hard working, and it makes the rest of us believe that dreams are obtainable. (Realistic ones that is)

Oh good times.

Getting shot down.

You know the feeling where you are just super high, too happy to explain in words, but the next moment, everything can be turned to shit just like that? Well it really makes me mad.

I got my license for about 2 weeks now, I’ve been happily driving around doing errands for the parents and for myself, enjoying the freedom and such. You know the things you do when you first get your license. My parents being the smarty pants that they are got my insurance right away, so everything was set to go.

After doing tons of driving and getting used to the idea of getting the car two/ three times a week my parents decide to drop the bomb.

I go upstairs and told them that I got gas for them when I was out, this is how the respond to that ‘ Orange, we calculated that your insurance will cost about $2000 more a year, so you might not be able to drive anymore.’ Okay, you couldn’t have done this research before you decide to prance around to get my insurance making me feel important. You decide to be the dick you are to tell me this load of shit, three weeks later? You had to put the cherry on top before you kick down the cake.

I don’t understand you, I like you because you guys are my parents, but some of the things you say or decide to do is just so indecisive and so abstract that I can’t take anything you do seriously anymore, I always need a plan B if you guys don’t follow through with anything you do or promise.

Parents are fucking shitters.

Slut.

In every circle of friends there’s a whore – Cute is what we aim for

I admit it, from past experiences, I’ve hooked up with guys when I’m drunk. This has happened three times, that may not be a big number but I haven’t drank that much so the ratio is pretty significant. My friend told me that lyrics above, obviously referring to me. At first I was offended, but she is right. The only time I’ve had any type of interaction with a guy is when I’m drunk. I’m a slut when I’m drunk. It’s sad to think that the only time that I can get a guy is when I’m drunk.

I can’t say I don’t like it. I’ve only kissed the guys, and kissing is nice. When my regular life is so dull and affection-less, it’s nice to just kiss someone. This sounds really bad, kissing strangers is nice?

May 16th 2008 – my first kiss happened with a good friend. Bad idea.
May 24th 2008 – second kiss happened while drunk again, with a stranger, which I had to end up seeing for the rest of the school year has he went to my school. Awkward.
January 31st 2010 – third kiss with a guy I was dancing with at the club, didn’t know his name, never going to see him again.

These are mistakes made by the impairment of alcohol, but at the same time, maybe I could’ve stopped it while it was happening. There must have been some train of thought going through my head while it was happening where my morals spoke out. I’m sure there was, but I just tell myself, this isn’t that bad. Just having someone there, maybe there is no connection, but just the physical interaction. Is this how people feel when they are addicted to sex? I personally can’t tell seeing as I’m a virgin. Am I really a slut? I can see where my friends were coming from when she referred to me as the whore of the group. They haven’t really done what I’ve done with hooking up with guys when they get drunk. And the only people they kiss or have physical affections for are the guys that they are with. But then there’s me, am I easy?

I can tell myself to not hook up with guys when I’m drunk, but what would that help? Yeah it’s weird to think back at it later on, but it’s not all bad. Kissing is nice. So what is wrong with me? Will this continue as the only time I can get a guy is when I’m drunk? Because that would be pretty sad. If I decide to not hook up with guys anymore when I’m drunk, I’m not sure if I can live with such a long time with no minor physical affection. Seeing as it doesn’t seem as I will getting anything real in a long while, why not enjoy the ones that won’t matter. What’s the worse that can happen?