So I’m not allowed to go?

I come home at around 6:30 and askes my dad when supper was going to be. He replies that it’s not done, and I ask when it will be. I replies ferociously and I explain so I can see when I can go to the gym afterwards. He says that I must wait an hour so in my head I calculate that I will go at around 9 and come home around 11. Not wanting to go to the gym so late, I suggest that I go now, before supper. He says that he can’t drive me as he’s cooking, in the meantime, he is getting angrier and angrier by the second. I suggest that I walk seeing as it is not a far walk. He spazzes and says that I shouldn’t even come home, and I agree and went down stairs to pack my stuff to head off to the gym.

He comes down after me and yells at me and starts saying how I never informed him that I was going to the gym tonight. Never in the past months that he’s been here had I need to inform him, I go when I have time and he would drive me. I just stare at him. Huge argument arose. He started bringing up things that didn’t even make sense in the situation of our discussion and kept on going how I never do what I’m suppose to, and that I never tell him ahead of time for anything (this I understand) and how he always gives me the best of anything (?? How did this have anything to do with me wanting to go to the gym??) All that was running through my head was the fact that he’s not letting me walk to the gym, it’s a 20 min walk, which will add to my overall work out. I don’t live in a remotely dangerous city so I don’t understand what was going on. He complains that he has to make food for me. The fact is, I usually barely eat what he cooks, three bites of rice and a bit of everything else. I finish within 5 mins of the meal. He tells me that I still have to wait an hour. He spends the next 10 mins talking to me about caring for me and how I won’t die if I don’t go to the gym for a day. Well he’s the one that makes fun of my weight. He was the one that laughed at me last week when I showed him the results that I’m proud of.

My father is a bullshitter of all levels. You buy me the best, but you never treat anyone around you the best. So don’t tell me about trying to give me the best when all you’re doing is trying to buy a relationship from me to cover up your anger issues.

Good times.

Yesterday and today were a good two days. Everything just fit together. So much content excitement filled my days.

Yesterday me and one of my best friend went out into the city for prom dress shopping. We went to a store with high expectations, and we came out with smiles on our faces. Even though I had to pay over $350 for a prom dress, I never felt so happy with a purchase. Not only do I really like this dress, it made me like my body. It gave the illusions of nice curves and accentuated my goods. My best friend also got a dress she liked, though it may not have been her dream dress, it was special. Another pro with our purchase was the fact that no one else would have the same dress as us. Yes there might be similar styles, but there are only so many styles girls can get before they repeat. Ours was one of a kind, and will be there through the bads and goods on that prom night.

I also had a blast trying something new yesterday. I’ve never tried legit korean food before and it was ‘different’ There was stuff I liked and stuff I didn’t like of course, but the fact that I was able to change up my appetite was awesome. PS. I’ve never sat on the ground to eat before, it was AWESOME! Oh and never have I went to the guys room before, not so awesome. ;) right yangem?

When I got home, I found a new bed sitting in the middle of my room. I know, it’s no big deal, but for the longest time, I’ve always slept on the ground. Maybe I’m exaggerating it, my bed consists or two mattresses stacked on top of each other on the ground. I’ve never had a real bed frame before, and this makes me happy.

Today after I came home from shopping, something else was new to me. I got a new toilet.  Yes, now it’s just getting ridiculous, but I got excited. My previous toilet was the worse thing ever as I was never able to do a number two. It would always get clogged. It’s quite embarrassing. That’s why this is an anonymous blog;) I would always have to rush upstairs to use the toilet. Now all is fixed!

And finally, shortly after the toilet news, I found out that I have been invited for an interview at my number one University. I jumped up and down, screamed and squealed. I have been waiting for this for so long, and feared that my average was not high enough. I swear this anticipation lasted for the last three years! Yes, this does not guarantee me a spot for the class coming up this fall, but it just gives me a boost of confidence. It was good to know that I was among the top 600 students that applied for the program. Now I must prep myself for my interview next month and hope to prove to the interviewees why I have the qualifications to be one of the 70 students they choose.

Life’s good. For now.

Drama Queen.

I think I’m ove reacting, and being a drama queen when adressing this new issue that has arise.

My father decided to buy paint that is on sale to repaint the house. Problem A: He did not take a sample of the colour he wanted to the store so he had to choose a colour that is ‘close’ to what he thinks our walls actually is. There is a reason that the walls in our kitchen, great room, family room and hallways are the colour that they are. They tiles is a shade of the bluey-green, the carpet is a shade of the bluely-green, and the kitchen counter tops are a shade of the bluey-green. He goes and buys a shade that is far too blue with no green. So basically all unity is ruined. Problem B: He bought gallons upon gallons of paint, and he has the guts to say that he is painting the whole house that colour. Excuse me? You made this decision of over splurging of a colour that we did not choose as a family and you want to paint MY room? Don’t drag me down with your stupidity. There is nothing wrong with my room, it has a nice pink/magenta theme and I’m going to keep it that way. No one is going to make my room look like shit compared to the rest of the house by matching a blue wall with a overly pink carpet. How dare you force this upon the family? Problem C: Who paints the whole house one colour? How dull would that be? Different rooms have different moods and feels, and you can’t take that away. I don’t want to feel the same way in the shitroom as I do in the kitchen.

But I guess this is out of my hands how, the paint is bought and I’ll just have to live with a house that is unity-challenged walls. As long as my room stays the way it is, I don’t care how much paint you have left that you need to use, paint another three layers int he family room, just don’t touch my room.

Fuck this is ridiculous.

Growth.

I finally understand what people mean by years equals experience. Don’t get me wrong, I always known of this fact, but I never knew how right it was. I just finished a drawing that took me an two hours and a half. I like it I guess, but then when I was looked at another drawing I did with the same time but two years ago, I saw the growth in skills that I have developed.

November 2007

March 2010

They’re not perfect, I know that, but the increase in skills and complexity surprised me. I’m really proud of myself, trust me :)

I can only get better.

Self esteem, again.

When ever people tell me stories of them getting hit on or getting checked out, I can’t help it but feel jealous and envy them. I feel happy for them, that they are getting the confidence boosters that i wish I can get from time to time, but that doesn’t happen.

I don’t know if I’m just too plain awkward and ugly that I don’t get the same attention that the other girls do, or I’m just that clueless. I really don’t think I’m that clueless as I check guys out all the time and I never get the same looks back. So I’ll just say it was the first one.

I look in the mirror and don’t necessarily see myself as major ugly, but don’t have this profound confidence so the ugliness peaks through. It’s disgusting. I try to ignore my flaws when I look at myself and focus on the good stuff. But the negative over shadows the positives.

Father.

People with anger issues should not be allowed to start a family and I mean this with the whole of my heart. It is not fair for the spouse and the children to be living with such bipolar being. I understand that this may be a great parent, husband or wife, but when it comes time that the uncontrollable anger strikes, all hell has let loose. Feelings are hurt and the sense of fear is embedded in the family. One must watch what they do along with what they say to live day by day in avoidance to be yelled at.

I’m saying this through experience of having a father that family members have feared ever since he was born. I’ve always been afraid of him, everytime I see him, or talk to him on the phone, I hope to god he didn’t find another reason to yell at me. He’s one of those fathers that takes a little problem, and stretches it to a mile long road. I’m trying to get use to this, and go around these obstacles ever since I started to live with him a few months ago. I avoid talking to him as much as possible, and even when I do, they are things that I have thought over and know that nothing nasty will come out of it. I don’t even question him with he pulls nonsense bullshit about history and such out cause I know he would argue back and WWIII would start.

But what happened a little less than an hour ago was the last straw. I have never yelled back at my father before, it was a weird feeling. Maybe it was because I was crying too and he didn’t seem to care that I was hurt. There was miscommunications between me, him and my mum. It was about directions and streets. After a while of frustration and him hitting the screwdriver off the paint can, I suggested that I show him a map. After walking out frustrated when being shot down, I looked it up on google map, he yelled at me for not knowing what the street name was called. I understand that I get yelled at if I was being stubborn on false information, but when I simply did not know something, I shouldn’t get yelled at. Arguing turned into tears and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve never cried so hard. I’ve seen everyone in my family cry over him, and now i get it. Don’t get me wrong, I love him as a father, I just hate living with him.

Family members of the individual with this kind of problem can never be truly happy. A stubborn person will never share the spotlight with anyone else, he must always be on the top. Tears and heartbreak will always be the result.

I know you are my only father, but I blame you for some of the anger and sadness in my life.

Go ahead, yell at me for everything single thing I do, you’ll regret it in the future.

‘Love’

What is this unconditional love idea? Does it exist? People fall in love when they were young and naive, but does it last? Obviously not since all the people that has been a relationship together or decided to get married all seem to fall into the bad habit of filling their relationship with lies and deceit.

It is a miracle when I see old couples holding hands together happily loving each other to their old age. But at the same time, the divorce rate in our society today is so high. I understand that they can both exist, but does one overshadow the other? No one is ever going to be perfect enough for someone, there will always be someone that over rides that expectation of one’s image of perfection. Be it physical, emotional or mental, someone can always be above that.

The feeling of love does not stay the same, and it will naturally fade away. If not all of it, some of it will disappear. As you come to know an individual more and more, there will always be the flaws in your relationship. It’s bullshit when someone say that they agree in everything, there will always be something. I’m no expert in this area, but I do have common sense of how basic human beings work.

No one is so pure that they will never think of someone else. Even if they don’t cheat, they will always have lust for some other being. It may be that as you get older, younger people seem more appealing. Or that some new hot secretary is now working for you. One will always have that lust for others, while they have a significant other. Come lust, there’s the opportunity.

Does television effect the society that we are in today. It may or may not be, maybe it’s for the dramatic effects to keep its audience. It seems that in every show, there are cheats and lies in every relationship. There is a lack of trust and honesty. And from what I can observe, it goes the same for the real world.

Well, who am I to judge. It’s not like we are brought to earth to find a true love. If that were true, then it is possible for everyone on earth to find their other half with no problem. But that’s not true is it? Personally, our job on earth is to procreate, just like how the cave people were doing it thousands of years ago.

Bones please.

I hate my body, I hate my weight. I don’t want to eat.

I can’t be happy with what I have, I hate looking at my naked body in the mirror. I hate it more when I can’t look good even with clothes on that are suppose to be ‘slimming’ I sometimes wish I had some kind of eating disorder. No matter what I do, I can’t get a satisfactory body. I work out, I diet nothing works. I wish my body can just reject food and my mind can tell me not to eat. I always wonder what it would be like to be anorexic. It can’t be that bad. Sweet you get to a point where you have to go to therapy, but you would be skinny. I know they teach you that this is bad in school, but what they teach you in media isn’t that comforting. I don’t want to be in the body I’m in anymore. If I have the money, I’m even willing to get liposuction. I would do anything to get a desirable body. I’m desperate.

Introvert

Average, plain, mediocre, typical, ordinary, boring.

That is how I feel. I don’t ever feel special. I just feel like I’m just another person that people just walk past and forget about. When people see me, I’m just another face. So hard do I wish that I was more than that, that when people meet me there is a special piszaz that makes the person want to know me more. I’m plain on the interior and the exterior.

There are those people that have a glow when they enter a room, they just light up the whole atmosphere. And I’m one of those people that is part of the background.

I was at a university interview last weekend. I had to sit in a room with about 100 people my age or older. I entered the room, surveyed my surrounding and the people in it and went to find a decent seat. It seems as the boys in front of me might have already know each other before, or they just quickly acquainted each other. The guys to the right of me definetly knew each other, the girl to the left was just there. Soon another guy came in and sat beside the girl to the left of me. ‘Are you nervous?’ he asked. They then got into a comfortable conversation and he told her what to expect in the test we are about to write, because he has previously taken it before. The boys in front of me took notice of what he was saying and joined in the conversation. Could I have done the same thing and made me just listening in less awkward? Yes I could have, but I didn’t. Then moments later as things settled down, the boys in front of me strike up a friendly conversation with the girl a few empty spaces over, she soon moved closer to talk to them and they talked about everything. I felt so lame at the moment. She was average, not the nottest bun in the oven, kind of sketchy (Yes I definetly judged her) I wondered how can people just pick people to start talking to? I was right behind them wasn’t I? I tried to look approachable and friendly, I guess that didn’t work.

So what does work? I don’t seem approachable when I don’t try, and I’m not either when I do. What do I have to do for people to talk to me? I’m trying to work up the guts to talk to people first, I thought I got it down pretty good until that moment.

This was my first time the moment of being in a new environment with new people that I have been waiting for, this was my first taste of next year, and I couldn’t step out of my comfort zone. God knows what my social life would be like next year.