Waiting.

I’m scared. I’m scared that I am not good enough. That I am not able to get into the school I’ve been dreaming of going into since grade 10.

I just had a break down, waterworks and all. What made me think that I was able to stand out amoung 600 other applicants? To be one of the 70 talented students chosen to be accepted.For the past few days, I’m been optimistic, but now, I’ve realized that I’m nothing special. I don’t have anything. I’m average. I’m normal, I’m amoung the rest.

I’m not going to be able make my parents proud, to get into a prestigue school, I’m going to make them look back, having a daughter that was not able to get what she wants academically. And most of all I won’t be able to make my dreams come true.

I’ve worked so hard, all the time I put in studying, growing as a student. It’s all going to wasted. I will always going to be second rated, going to the backup school because my number one school rejected me. I’m scared.

I understand that I shouldn’t jump to conclusions, but I know me, I know my luck with thngs i want. I want work hard, but luck is never on my side. I will always be the one with the dissappountment.

I’m not even going to hope anymore, what ever happens, will happen. Nothing will change their decision, since it has already been made today, I will just have to wait.

‘Hi, you’re nice.’

I like it when people are nice to me, it gives me warm fuzzies on the inside. I get excited and bless them a million times in my head because I feel that they are amazing. When people help me, or offer for me to go first at a stop, it makes my day that much better.I really don’t know if this is all happening because the people around me are hitting an age where they start being nice and less bitchy, or if I’m just getting more of an opportunity to meet people, of which the majority are nice. This just makes me want to go out more, and share around the warm fuzzies. Sigh, I like people, I guess.

Ugh.

I hate when people are fucking stupid. You talk talk talk and people still don’t understand shit that you’re talking. Especially when it is over the phone, where communication is limited.

Shut up.

Marriage Fail.

I have never seen an example of passionate love in couples in my life yet.

  • My parents have no love in their marriage, I am starting to question if there was any to begin with.
  • My aunt and uncle on my father’s side of the family is unmarried and alone.
  • My grandfather from my dad’s side died before I was born so I never seen my grandma happy with someone before.
  • My mum’s sister’s husband is not a good husband
  • My mum’s other sister got cheated on and is now divorced.
  • My mum’s brother is alone, I don’t even know about him
  • My mum’s parents are divorced when she was at a young age.

There are 7 examples of failed marriages or lack of in my immediate family, the only family members that I can ‘look up’ to. I was thinking last night, is this some kind of family curse that will get passed on to me? I’m scared. Like I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never had a boyfriend, or anything close to that in the 17 years I’ve been around. People may say that it’s totally normal and that I have so much more time, I feel maybe this may also be a factor of my personality. Obviously I don’t know how to attract the right guys. Right guys, as in nice, decent guys.

I don’t have this charm, that some people have.I believe I’m socially awkward, and when it comes to guys, this multiplies by a million. I can only look, and be ignored. I’m used to it, I don’t have the motivation to step out of my comfort zone. I’ve mentioned before that I learning and getting better, but I’m not sure anymore. I’m no more social than I was when high school started. Heck I think I was more social two years ago, when I had a slight job and actually hung out with more people and went to parties. Now, I’m just all me and my few friends. There hasn’t been a chance where I needed to meet new people in a long while, let alone guys. I just hope this doesn’t fuck me over in the next half decade in university.

Nor do I have looks to die for. I’m average, probably only a 7. I also have this slight belief that the only foolproof successful way of landing a guy is choose from someone on a lower ‘superficial’ scale than you. No one beautiful will look at me when there are people out there are are 8’s, 9’s and 10’s. It’s common sense really, why catch a small fish when you have the ability of reeling in the shark. They say until you feel that you are beautiful, will others see you as beautiful. I’m sure if a pile of shit calls itself beautiful, people will still see it as a pile of shit. A 3 will never be a 10, unless they physically alter themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I guess it’s a little true, when you think of yourself as beautiful, one will be able to hold themselves up better, with more confidence. Maybe some people are attracted to that. But until that day comes, I’m stuck.

I’m scared that by being the same as I am through university or the rest of my life, my love life will always be like how it is now. I really don’t want to follow the same path my family has, but until I can find someone to love me, I don’t think I have a choice. Being the first in my family to go to university is not enough now, I want to be the first in the family to marry someone I actually love, and have a good marriage that will last the rest of my life. I’m scared that I will have to settle for someone that I do not love, just to get married, which will result if my being not happy, just like my parents.

Stage Fright

Where does ‘stage fright’ come from? I think it’s different from person to person. There are different reasons the person may be scared to perform in front of an audience.

Some people cannot stand the feel of people staring at them. When you have all eyes on you, you can’t help but feel judged and intimidated. Maybe they are staring at what you are wearing, the very outfit that you picked out for the special occasion. As this happens, you start to regret making the decision, you realize that maybe the neck line is too revealing, or that your pants are making you look awkward. Fortunately this does not bother me, I really don’t care if people look, as long as I don’t know them. When these people are my acquaintances and peers, that is a whole different story. Those people technically doesn’t really know you, sure they know who you are, but as a person, they know shit. At the moment where you get up on stage, they will be waiting for you to do something worthwhile, be it embarrassing or not. They want something out of you, if you are able to get their attention, they will always know you as the girl that tripped up the stairs, or had major sweat pits. Of course this has only happened back in elementary school where I had to perform or go on stage.

Another reason that people may get scared up on stage is that there is an expectation to be perfect. People feel that if you are willing to bring yourself up there, you must be good at what you are doing. No idiot would go up here knowing that they will fail, that is just uncalled for. You feel an unwanted pressure put upon your shoulders. You tell yourself that you must not fuck up. The pressure turns into anxiety and you over look everything that you have worked for. You examine your chances of mistakes and try to find a way to ensure that they will not happen, but by doing so you just fucked yourself over. At this point you are truly a pessimistic, you can try to be positive, but you know there is always the chance.

People that care about you care about you not fucking up more than anything else. Why do they hold on to your hand and say stuff like ‘You’re going to do fine.’ or ‘Just don’t mess up alright?’ Yeah they are hoping for the best, but at the same time, they feel that they need to re-ensure you that you are going to be ‘fine’ I think it would be better if they just don’t talk. This is a mental thing that only you know how it feels, you don’t need someone else, an outsider to your own mind to tell you how you should thinking and feel.

Personally I’m more of the second kind of fear. Before I perform, I thinking of all the spots in my piano pieces that I can mess up on, and look over the notes. I over analyze that I have perfected to find that I have ruined the perfect state of mind I was in. I know now that I should play what I feel instead of what is in front of me. Sounds silly, but if I know they piece, I don’t need to try to counteract that with shoving more memorizing into my head.

The moments leading up to the performances are the hardest, I shake, I sweat, I fiddle around. But when the moment is over, it really is amazing. The rush during and after is great. There is a thrill of satisfaction, even if I did fucking up badly. But then again, when you have to do something that determines your future (tests, interviews, competitions, etc ) , short term or long term, you can’t help but feel accomplished.

Unfaithful

I’ve cheated on wordpress. Today I got a Tumblr account, and to make matters worse, I’ve posted 13 times already. WordPress is still my main blog though, a place to vent and rant, where all the deep stuff shall exist. The other account is for miscellaneous shenanigan. Stuff that I feel that don’t belong here, silly stuff that will degrade this awesome blog that I have going ( it’s not awesome, but wordpress is.)

Don’t shoot me, I still love you.

Silly me.