Just leave.

Ever since you and your brother were born, I’ve never been happy. I’ve only been frustrated

- My father.

What kind of pep talk was that? The whole drive home, he was talking about everything that bugs him about us. How we don’t take any responsibility for anything. We don’t clean up around the house, wait, how we don’t do enough. This refers to when we leave a single fork out by mistake when all the other dishes are done and dried. We life like out parents are our slaves and maids. We’re honestly not that bad, you just like to poke out everything you can. How if I spend the time I’m on the internet on homework, I would be smarter and actually get into university. Sorry that I am a teenager that does the same thing all the other average teenagers do in the world. I’m sorry that my 86% isn’t good enough for you. I’m sure a grade 11 drop out like you can understand the hard work I have to put in to get that mark. That I am wasting their money all the time. My plan on going to Paris is a waste of money, cause I already went. I’m doing something that I love, with money that I will earn. Who are you to tell me what to do? I’m a legal adult now, this does not cause suffering on your part, as honestly I will be the one that will be suffering through the 3 months of isolation of labour in a foreign town. Am I not allowed to make a shitty year into a good one?

I can tell that you really love us dad. You’re only here because of the obligation of paying back all the years you weren’t here for us. You’re not here cause you want to, trust me I know. At first I was happy that we’re one happy family again, but the happy is kind of a over statement. I don’t enjoy getting hollered at every day. And the only time we ‘bond’ with each other is… Never. You are always complaining what horrible children we are, never impressed with anything we do. I can’t wait till you leave back to HK. Really, just go if you can’t stand us. I’m sure we will all be just as happy, or even happier.

Thanks dad, you really make my day.

Optimistic.

Dumbledore was right, there really can be a bright side in the darkest of times.

Here’s the plan. If I do not get into university next year, I will head up north to my dad’s new restaurant to help out for three months. He has promised me $9000 for three months of work. The down side? This place is 6 hours away, a city of 3000 people. I’m sure you can understand where I am coming from. At first I cried and begged to not go up there, but than I thought of the cash I will be reeling in and the fact that even if I stay here, I won’t be with my biffs anyways so it really doesn’t matter. It’s only 3 months. I can life. Here’s where the fun part comes in. At first I wanted to save up money working for the first semester of school and go to Hong Kong to get my HK id card, alone with doing that, I will be able to shop and see relatives and etc. I will then fly to Australia for a bit than come home. I’ve since then scratched the idea because now I want to go to PARIS! I want to spend a week there as an ‘escape’. I’m not looking for anything glamorous, really. I will pack a few outfits and take in Paris. It’s a time of spontanity. I want to draw and photograph the beauty of Paris. Stay at a hostel (told you nothing glamorous), and just be independent. Knowing me, I’ll do fine, I’m good with directions, besides getting lost will only add to the excitement! I’ve found tickets ranging from 600-700 dollars, and hostels that are 40-50 dollars per night. This will add up to be $1500 the most. Love life? And then I’ll just bring a few hundred euros to make it even better. All of it won’t even hit $3000, hopefully.

But anyways, I don’t even care anymore, I tried my best and I’m rewarding myself I don’t get in. Why get depressed from the lame fact? I’m young, I have time to spare, so live it!

Honestly I think I’m getting too excited for not getting into school than I am, actually getting into it!

Subconcious Depression.

I think I have it. I don’t act as if I am, but my thoughts are just on hiatus. It seems like I don’t feel like doing anything anymore, there is always something negative in everything. I’m surprised when there are an optimistic side to anything. I don’t enjoy doing anything, I like reaching out to the people I love, but there’s the part of me where I want to keep to myself. It’s like I pushed the pause button on my life, where everything is on stand still. My mind is grey and all the colours are gone. The stress combined with the disappointment might be the cause of it.

I want to find an escape and just let loose. I want to remove all the negative thoughts from my head, just to start over new,

The one thing.

When I feel hungry or when my stomach is empty, I feel thinner. This may be because my stomach IS physically small when I don’t have food in me. I kind of like that feeling.

Yes it is very bad. Would I ever go down the road and live a pro-ana lifestyle? I really don’t know. I don’t object to it, I’ll say that. As long as it makes the person happy. I myself have ‘thinspirations’ pictures of thin people that I look at for inspiration. I don’t know if I have a problem, I always look at myself in the mirror, my body, picking at the parts that I don’t like. Maybe I feel as if my body is the one thing that I can control. It may be the one thing that if I work hard enough will achieve what I really want. I can’t get extreme talent from working hard, it will only bring me to a certain extent. I know now that I can’t control my education, even if I try my hardest. Maybe if I look the way I want to, I’ll feel accomplished finally in my life, that I achieved something I wanted because I worked hard for, I suffered for this. I want this to be my train of thought now, just so I can keep this up. I don’t know how far I will go, but I will get it some day.

I’m hungry.

Grief.

I thought I was going to be able to handle it. I thought I was stronger, that the first wave of tears were the only wave, that I will be over that stage, and start accepting it. That’s what I thought was going on up till now.

After getting rejected the first time, I’m scared that it will happen again. I still have to wait. I’m so scared again. This will be last chance to get into university, if not, I’ll have to stay back a year. All alone. While everyone is hearing the great news of getting accepted, I’ve been telling myself that the time will come, that my program is just that much more special, and that the longer I wait, the greater the reward. Well now  know that it’s not true. I’m happy for everyone, but at the same time, I have to think about myself. What I want.

I think I’m going through the grief cycle. Shock, denial, anger,bargain, depression, testing, and acceptance. I went through shock which I stared blankly at the email for the first 5 mins. I went through denial when I thought this was joke, that there was going to be a just kidding, that I will get another email, that I was dreaming. But it was real. Anger never really came, who am I going to get angry over? Them? It was all me, I did something wrong, I can’t blame others for something I could have done. I bargained by sending that email asking where I slipped and that I appreciated their time. I cried already, so there’s the depression. And I’ve thought of all the possible upsides. But at the same time these upsides have down sides, time. I was ready to get out, to get out of this juvenile place called highschool. I thought it was all going to over for me, it was my time. The same way it was the senior grade’s time when I saw them leave into their adult world. I also thought I was accepting, I made it clear to myself that there is nothing else I can do.

But here I am, back at depression. It’s worse than ever, listening to the sympathy, the words of encouragement that does not help. I’m sad beyond belief. I never thought university rejection was going to be so hard on me. I hear people getting rejected all the time, and they don’t seem to bawl their eyes out. They just go to the next big thing. But with me, next big thing, may also be a dud. I may get rejected again, and will have to go over this cycle again, only this time, I know there are not backups. This is a dream, and it’s being butchered. There’s a reason they call it a dream, it can only exist in your sleep, where nothing is real, but all things are perfect. In our world, that is the opposite, everything is real, and nothing is perfect. What’s wrong can be seen as right and vice versa.

How do people that don’t try as hard get into what they want? Why must I choose to pursue an education in something so competitive? I wish I can be average, with average skills to get into an average program. I wish I can go back and choose another path where it doesn’t lead me to how I feel right now.

I feel shattered. I’m broken, and there’s no way to fix me. I feel as if I failed. I felt so confident, thinking I will getting into university, this 88% average doesn’t mean anything when they can’t get you into school. I feel I didn’t try hard enough, but at the same time I do so much better. There was so much hope and faith, that it has all turned into darkness now. I feel lost on what I should be doing now. This is something I said I was afraid will happen. Something I wished on my life will never happened. It happened.

If the chances of my getting into my second choice is almost the same as my first choice, with the same competitiveness and spaces offered, I don’t think I will get in. This is not something that I’m saying to ensure that I will not get as hurt when the bad news comes ( at first I thought it was) I can just feel it. I will fail there too. Even at a second rated school, I’m nothing special. I’m a failure.

When will this end? I want everything to just stop and I can find a corner to cry. I want to leave this place. I just want everything gone.