Plain Jane.

I just realized what I am. I’m a plain jane. Urban Dictionary discribes one as: Ordinary, average female, moderately attractive but mentally stable. I have always wondered what I am, not in a judging stereotype kind of way, but look wise, what am I? I’m not a bombshell, I’m no babe, I’m no stunner, I’m not hideous, not totally ugly. I’m always just average, mediocre, boring in the face or body. And it doesn’t help that I always feel that I’m over shadowed by the people I’m around. One who is equipped with huge boobs, one that has a totally fit body, that I would die to get and one that has the whole package when it comes to the desirable bumps (boobs and butt) When it comes to the point where they are always the ones that get checked out instead of me, I do get a little jealous. I like flattering from time to time. When I’m around them, I feel belittled. When we walk by guys, it seems like I’m the following shadow while they are shining bright.

I’m the one girl that people look at and look away. Having me just slowly but surely easing out of their memory. There is nothing about me that pops, I’m just part of the crowd. It’s sad that the only time that I do feel good is when I have loads of makeup on. I don’t feel that my face is disfigured and that is when I actually carry myself with confident, that is the only time that I feel that maybe I’m a little more than just a 5. Possibly a 6. But then, even though I feel good about my appearance, later I see pictures of myself. (Note that it is usually special events that I use lots of make up). You know those pictures where you are not looking at the camera, where one is not pulling off their ‘angle’, I feel back in the dumps. Because it doesn’t matter how good you look in pictures when you are smiling and posing, you are as real as you are in normal pictures of you. Because that represents how you looked to everyone else, nobody pulls a picture perfect face at every waking second.

That is the reason I hate getting video taped, because that is the real me. That is me, where my face is too round when I don’t smile, when my lower lip does the lazy hanging thing when I’m not smiling, the thing where my arms are awkwardly at my side while my back slouches. By being disgusted from seeing how I look on camera, I can only wonder what others are thinking when they see me. Of course that may be reflected on how successful I am with guys.

I just wonder when this plain jane image will be replaced with something less boring.

Empty words.

I’m scared to be in relationships. Well I haven’t really had a chance to before, but I think I’m afraid to be in one when the time does come.

I think I lack the trust to allow other people into my life. I’m scared that people would lie to me just to get with me. It doesn’t happen to me often, but it has before. Someone saying something that you want to hear, and you just take it all in, believe every word this person is saying. Looking back now, it reminds me of how foolish and naive I am. I have this wall up, protecting me from words of other people. I wonder all the time if what they are saying are true.

I was a loser back in elementary school, so when people ‘show’ interest in me, it makes me wonder if they are kidding or not. Who would have the slightest interest in the weird awkward girl? It must be a joke, they are being dared to talk to me. Usually in the end, I was right. It was all for laughs. Ever since then I’ve felt the same when ever someone is obviously flirting with me. I feel like a fool, a joke. I don’t see myself as someone would show interest in. It’s always everyone else.

By being such a skeptic, I don’t like to believe the words people say. All the lines they feed me, may make me go gaga at first, but when I think about it more, it’s all empty words.

I hate it.

I want to take a vacation from this family. It is way too ridiculous the way it functions. All the ‘Love you’ and ‘ I care about you’ are all bullshit. How much can you be loving me, when the things you say to me hurt me so much? I don’t like the thought of being in the same room as you, because all you do is bring up my failures of life. I’m finally an adult now, and I don’t need to take your bullshit. You say you support my actions and understand how I’m feeling after I got rejected. You said that it wasn’t my fault, and that I should have gotten in. I know those were only to make me feel better, but when you turn around and go back on everything you said. It really makes me wonder. I slam on me at where it hurts most. You know I’m sensitive there, and you don’t care. You just want your words on everything.

Your feelings are more important than mine. You are selfish. You care about how others view you and your daughter’s success. You tell me to ignore other people. but how about you tell that to yourself? How about you stop caring and stop dropping the Hiroshima on me when you get embarrassed on what others say. I hate that you don’t understand me as a person. You never tried. My whole lifetime growing up, you pretend to care and know about me, but all you know is the superficial stuff. You know what to buy me, you know what I like, but do you really know how I feel? You never do! You don’t make me feel comfortable enough to come and open up to you. All you know how to do is attack me on me and my decisions.

You make me do things that I don’t want to do. I don’t really have a choice now do I? I’m obedient because I want to be a good daughter. But are you a good mother? I never get a say in things, maybe that’s where out communication fails. When I reply give my own suggestions, it is called talking back. This is where I am suppose to get my mouth washed with soup. You tell me how I don’t take you yelling at me well, that I always get in a bad mood. But really? You want me to get turned on by your mean words? What kind of fucked up child do you think I am? I say one thing back, and I am a bad daughter.

I really don’t know what kind of world you and the rest of my family grew up in. A world where there is no trust. You tell me that I can’t trust anyone but family. But trust me, I trust my friends more than I trust you or anyone else of my close family. They understand me, they don’t judge me to a point where I feel hurt. They make up who I am now. You say that they are going to leave me when they have the chance and take advantage of me. They will cheat, lie and steal. If this is your definition of ‘friendship’ then you’re friendship history must have been fucked up.

I hate that you don’t try. I hate that I always get attacked. I hate that you never stick with what you say. I hate that you make me sad.

‘Why do you even bother being healthy?’

Today I got asked why I still bother going to the gym now that prom is over. It has been over for two weeks now, and for the past few days, I’ve been working it hard at the gym. Why? Why not? I feel obligated to go. For my good internal health along with my physical health. In the past half year, I have been seeing results and that just motivates me that much more. I know, sometimes I get side tracked and is just lazy, but in the long run. I really am trying. Seeing the results makes me feel like I’m slowly accomplishing something. It’s not a super drastic change where I’m going to obese to a twig but it’s there.

Date:                         September 14,2009 -► May 28, 2010
Weight:                    133lbs -► 127lbs
BMI:                           23.6 -► 22.5
MAx VO2:                  66 -► 89
Max Pushups:         17 -► 50
Flexibilty:                  11″ -► 14″
Body Fat Comp:      37.4% -► 25%
Overall Fitness:       63% -► 82%

As you can see, there are results. Some more significant than others. The fact that I went form a C- in fitness level to a A- makes me very happy. My fitness finally measures up to my school nerdiness! What I am even more happy about is the drop in my body fat percentage. After checking with several internet sites, at 37% that is seen as overfat, too high and obese. After dropping 12.4% body fat and finally landing in the acceptable and healthy range I’m extremely content. I was devastated when I was first measured, people didn’t believe me and and neither did I. I felt ashamed and gross that I have gotten so unhealthy in the pass few years. Now I’m happy that I’m at where I am now, and I want it to go even lower more active percentage.

Why do I want to be fit? There are a few reasons.

  • I want to look good naked. I’ve mentioned this before, but I really do. This might sound bad but, unless I can feel good about looking at myself naked, I won’t be able to feel comfortable with someone else seeing me in my birthday suit. I want to be presentable you know, though I really don’t know when this moment will come where I will have to unravel my wrapping. Weeks? ( I hope to god no.) Months? (Not really either) Years? I want to maintain in top physique when the time comes. On another note, When the time does come. I want to be on top physically; externally and internally. I want to make my man feel proud to have wound up with a girl with a body like mine. And I also want to be fit so I can rock all night. Who wants to ‘play’ with some one that gets tired after 5 mins?
  • I want to look good clothed. Different people can pull off different styles. But when one has a nice body, they are just able to look good in a lot of stuff. I don’t have anything to hide. Nt bulge here, no flab there. It is easier for them to just get up and leave. One does not have to stand in front of the mirror contemplating on which outfit to wear because they just don’t ‘work’
  • I want to be seen as a healthy active person. When I see people that look as if they take care of their body, it makes me want to do the same. Someone with a nicely toned body. There isn’t much of that around with the world we live in today. When you see people like that, you can just feel the hard work they must put in. The hours and the gym, the choices of food that have to make and the urges that they have to control. No I’m not talking salads everyday, I’m just thinking of balanced daily diet with a treat every now and then. I’m not there, I’m still trying to slowly get my eating habits in lined. At least I’m trying. This is going to sound very vain, but I also want people envy my body. I know I do that to other people, I say stuff like ‘I like her hamstrings’ or ‘I want her body’ Well some of those stuff is achievable, as long as I have a goal in mind. It is POSSIBLE to work out to have a nice defined hamstring. And it CAN be possible to have a nice toned body. It just depends on how much I want it, and how much blood, sweat and tears I’m willing to put in.
  • I want to be happy. One of the things I stress about most is my body image. I’m very self conscious, I care about how I look all the time. I feel gross and I avoid looking into mirrors from time to time. I know I might never be 100% happy with what I got, but is it so hard to accept that I am trying my best. The maximum I can get could be 75%, but at least it’s getting better. This is something I do have control over. And as things are getting better with my body and me, feeling more confident about it, there really are less to worry about. I can use the space in my mind that I used to stress about my body image onto other things. I know my body will never be perfect in my mind, but why should I settle with being unhappy with it, when I have the opportunity to improve on myself?

Motivation?

I no longer have motivation to work hard in school anymore. While this may be true for a lot of my classmates, as the mind set came in when they got accepted to their desired program at a good school. It came to me when I realized that there is a high possibility that I will not get into university next year.

Today I skipped school. This was the first time that I did it because I was just plain lazy. I thought about what I will be doing at school, I realized I wouldn’t even being trying in my classes. That I don’t have the hardworking feeling that I had before. It has now diminished. I know that this should be a time where I should be working hard than ever to prepare me for reapplication next year. That would be the smart thing, but I just can’t. How can I apply to something again where I know I failed the first time. I don’t want the same mind set that I have had all my life, that I will get in. I can’t be optimistic and naive like that again.

Optimism means expecting the best. Confidence means knowing how to handle the worst.
— Zurich Axiom

I like that quote, but I don’t think I can be that. I already faced that harsh  reality once with tears and pain, will I be able to do that again. To feel like a failure again. A repeat will be the end of me.

Someone said that I didn’t necessary fail, since I got accepted to alternate programs. That is like saying while one applies to be a doctor at the hospital with all the required credentials, but later being hired to be a measly nurse. You can say either way they got hired. But first of all, it is not something they want to do, second it will not provide the salary that they wanted in the wanted job. How does going into a major in planning or history going to help me? I will have to reapply and go through the same process, and no those courses will not put me above the hundreds of new applicants next year.

I try to be strong. While all my academic friends talk amongst each other about their excitement about next year, and their arrangements of residence; all of which I thought I would be able to think about, I’m left to feel envy for them and pity for myself. I want to walk away but I must not be selfish. The world does not revolve around me, but my thoughts do. I’m sad when I rethink about the fact that I have failed to be an honour student. All that hard work did not pay off. I didn’t not do myself justice. I failed myself to be able to take the next step in my life on schedule. And now I’m scared that I will ever. When others ask about where I’m going next year, I feel embarrassed to tell them that I’m wait listed. And when they ask me what I will be doing, I just want to walk away. My future is so uncertain. It is neither a yes or a no. I really don’t know what I will be doing.

I guess I’m still in grief. Once again, while I thought I was strong enough to move past that, and start living my life and planning my next step, I’m crying again.