Oh boys.

I’m not the type of girl that would get out of my way to talk to guys that I find myself attracted to. I don’t want to give them that much clue that I’m into them. Why? I don’t want to have the chance of being rejected. So what do I do? I test the ice, give them some playful yet flirty comments and see how they response. If they returns the gesture, I’ll keep going. But once they stop or seem unimpressed, I stop and give up. That’s just how I’ve worked ever since I got the awful rejection back in grade 10. I liked him so much, gave him signs to show that I was obviously interested. I told other people to maybe drop a few hints here and there that I was interested. All that went down hill when he didn’t show interest back. I dove too deep into something that wasn’t going happen, and I got hurt.

Why do I never feel there is a legitimacy when guys talk to me? When they flirt or hit on me, I don’t believe it. I just don’t feel that guys would have interest in me. I put up this instant wall of doubt thinking that it’s a joke or a dare, that’s why they are talking to me. Maybe their friends think it would be funny to mess with my head. Or maybe it’s a dare to see how far I would fall for their words. I always have this sense of skepticism. When guys are dropping compliments like eggs, I wonder what their alterior motives are. Are they really interested, or are they just looking for a booty call and to wheel me? I just really don’t know how to respond to their words. Do I say thanks and say something nice back? Do I laugh it off and play buddybuddy with them? I’m so lost in this whole boy thing.

Yesterday some guy started messaging me on facebook. He’s attractive, and I have thought of him a few times after I met him. Nice, funny guy that calls people beautiful like change for a bum. I got so caught up thinking that maybe that this is some fraternity prank. Ohhh funny, let’s play with this freshmen asian girl’s head. It went on for a while and as it goes on, I start wondering, what if this was really something? But everytime I think that or what things could ‘become’ I slap myself on the wrist and have to tell myself to stop, because this could be easily nothing. All day I try not to think about him saying that he’ll ‘call me’ today. But I just keep on checking my phone or logging on to facebook, just incase he wants to talk to me there. This guy might be someone that just wanted to talk to me and test the ice that nice, maybe he won’t talk to me again. We made plans to hang out, but there’s the part of me that thinks that he might bail and things would go back to my boring lonely life. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, for me, until something does happen that is more than just internet chat, I can’t think anything of it. Of course it would nice though right? Happens all the time.

There’s been so many time where I would talk to guys, hang out with them, think that there might be something, but then I get dropped just like that. I’m kinda getting tired of that. So why would this be any different?

Oh guys, why are they so hard to figure out? Or do I just think too much into things.

Don’t let go.

With the power of facebook, I am able to look through pictures of people from univesity in their 2nd, 3rd, 4th years and compare them to their freshmen year. Some are just amazing. How does one change that much in the past few years. Yes style and make up change, but what it come down to is the weight people tend to pack on.

Yes I’ve heard of Freshmen 15, but I don’t think I would have ever believed it till I see it. I look at cute chubby girls and compare them to pictures from before, they were skinny hot mamas. I would have been jealous of them ‘back then’ This is not me being mean, I’m just being obsertive. There’s a sense of shock when I realize how much these girls let themselves go. Yes, school happened and along with that, comes stress and hard work. But I’m sure you could have limited the fastfood and booze. The thing is, not everyone plumps up, there are some girls that are able to maintain their body. Why can’t other people. These are the years, that if you don’t get in the habit of at least trying to stay healthy, you’re going to have a hard time loosing all that in the future. You’re at the top of your game, just do it before it’s too late!

I’m not trying to tell people to not let themselves go, this is honestly a reminder for myself. I can’t let that happen to me. I won’t let that happen to me. I will do whatever it takes (hopefully in a healthy manner) to not be a fatass by the time I come out of school. I’ll be on top of my game when I graduate with a degree, I don’t want my physical appearance hold me back from an amazing start at my new life.

Orange, don’t ever let go.

Opposite sex can be just friends.

Is it really that hard to be able to be friends with guys and just be friends? I hate this assumption that when you’re close with someone of the opposite sex that you guys must have a sexual relationship.

Here’s what happend: I was at a pub night the other night, and the plan was that I would sleep over at my guy friend’s place on res because I didn’t want to go home since I live off campus. I brought all my stuff before hand, and even brought a sleeping bag. He is a really good friend, and that whole night he was looking out for me, making sure I didn’t fuck up. He later tells me that night that his fraternity brothers think that we had a thing. Nope, not true. I told him that and he agrees. Just friends. We went back to his res, I slept on the sleeping bag on the ground and it was all good. Last night my friend told me that he told her that his fraternity brothers were ripping on him for not doing anything with me when I slept over that night.

Um, I don’t want to sound rude but why do people get this impression that girls are sluts? It’s called selfcontrol that maybe we don’t want to turn into horndogs when we drink. I know I’m trying not to. And the last thing I want is to have any type of awkwardness with someone I want to be good friends with. I know there are lots of good friends of opposite sex that do stuff and can dismiss that as something normal, but when I hear the word friends, I don’t think sex.

Maybe it’s just me.

Single and Looking.

I recycle ideas alot, but that’s just what’s on my mind.

I sound like one of those pathetic girls when I say that I want a boyfriend. I just realized the other day that I’m ‘single and looking’. Before I thought of myself as someone that just take things as it comes, and what ever happens happens, but now I’m actual want a boyfriend.

I think one of the factors is that now that I’m living on my own, I really want a person that I can always depend on to be there. Yes I have friends for that, but they can only be there for so much. If i was home, and my bestfriends are there, it would be different. Because I know I’m their bestfriend too. Here, I don’t know how big of a role I have in some of our friendship. Am I being a bother when I always want to hangout? When you have a boyfriend, you just know you can show up without being judged. Of course not to the point where it’s clingy but you know what I mean.

I still haven’t experienced what it’s like to have boyfriend. And coming into first year university I feel so inexperienced. Is it bad that I was the only girl in my sorority pledge class that is a virgin? I’m not upset that I’m a virgin, but I am kind of upset that I have not experienced it yet. Even girls that don’t, how do I put it, look or act the part has gotten guys. How am I different? I know if I want I can put out and hook up with guys left, right and centre but I want something more than that. Since I started university, I’ve taken the effort to learn to talk to guys and be friends with them, just so I can get comfortable with them. I’m getting there, it’s a good feeling, but the next step is bring friendship up a notch. But how do I let people know I’m interested? I have this problem that I don’t like people unless I know they might like me back. But at the same time, I don’t make a move to show that I’m interested because I’m scared of being rejected. I think I’m also just scared to let guys in cause I don’t know what to do.

I really really want to have that guy that I can cuddle with on a lazy Friday night and watch a movie together. Someone I can be bestfriends with that I can tell anything to. Is it really that hard to ask. As time goes by, I’m watching my friends get into and out of relationships, and all I can do is listen to them talk about it. I don’t know what it’s like. I can’t help my friend out when she goes through a break up because I’ve never had it happen. I don’t know how it feels to get the gaga feeling when you’re with someone you know likes you back. I really don’t know.

I’m really lonely.

Body.

It feels like my life is missing something. I really just want someone there for me.

Today I met up with my best friends who I have not seen in a while cause we all went to different schools. I’m listening to stories about guys telling them how beautiful they are, and that they can get any guy if they wanted to. I’m also listening to them talking about how they are losing weight and such while I stay the same and probably gaining weight.  They all look great, but when I look at my self in the mirror I feel like shit. Listening to all this, it makes me feel unwanted and ugly.

I think I’m starting to have trouble with food, I can’t get my mind off of it. In the past two days, I’ve eaten so much, and not because I’m hungry either. I eat just to eat. I feel fat and bloated all the time, and I don’t like seeing myself in the mirror. I told my friends that if I ever win the lottery that the first thing I would do is get a full body liposuction. They respond with disgust and tell me that I would probably get flab where the fat is taken out. I never thought of that, but that made me feel fatter about myself. I didn’t realize that my tummy was that big that there would be flab. That just kinda made me even more self concious.

I look at myself all the time and I try to divert my gaze else where because I feel so ugly. But really, I can’t look away. I hate how I look and feel. It’s disgusting. How am I suppose to find someone to like me when I can’t even like myself. I’m not going to pretend I’m content with myself just to make that logic work, cause it would be a lie. I was only comfortable complaining about my body to my friends today because they were so close. My friend looked at me and asked,’ Do you talk like that when you’re with people?’ and I don’t. I don’t want them knowing that I’m insecure with myself. I want to give people this false image that I’m comfortable and confident. If they know how I’m really am, they won’t like me.

It really sucks how it feels like everyone around me has got someone, or had someone that thought they were beautiful and perfect. I want that, I want to be wanted. But I really don’t think anyone can think that of me. I know I won’t

I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m just trying to express how I feel. I’m not happy with how I am, and I want it to change.