Deal.

Sometimes people have to think of themselves and spoil themselves with what they want.

If things aren’t working out, things that you can’t control. Make yourself happy with something that you do have control of.

So here it is, in black and white;

If I end my first year of university (End of April) and still not have had a thing with a guy, I will treat myself to an industrial piercing.

Why not? Why am I giving myself a ‘deadline’? Well if you read my previous posts, a boy is something that I really want right now. 19 years old and have not been in a relationship, you tell me what’s wrong there. Also, recently, I also wanted an industrial piercing. So really, it’s a win-win situation, not matter what happens, I will get something I want. It isn’t to say that I will try to avoid boys just so I can get a piercing. They’re both not needs, just wants. And to make this a little more clear, ‘having a thing with a guy’ means just being able to share mutual feelings with someone. This may be seeing or dating someone, just so long as I can feel the least bit good about myself that something is kind of working out.

I really don’t know what the logic behind this was, but I can’t complain. Whatever happens happens. Everything happens for a reason, maybe I am suppose to get a guy and not get this piercing, or maybe I’m not suppose to get a guy and get an awesome piercing. We’ll see how this turns out.

Three years later…

Below is a list of facts and confessions that I made in March 2008, I just read over it and I can say I’ve changed. So here it is, the list with a few new additions/changes. The bold is how I think now.

1) i have been on again off again straightedge phases. one minute i can think alcohol is a deadly, evil, nasty brain killer thing. then the next minute i can think its an amazing thing. Though I don’t have this on/off thing with alcohol. I’ve learned how to handle it, I don’t go crazy and I can control when to and not to drink.
2) i can really be a hypocrite at times. and not even notice. Still am.
3) sometimes i can be a bitch with out even knowing, but then i can be a real bitch when i want to. I never thought of myself as a bitch back then, I’ve always been nice. Now however, I can really say I can be a bitch. I simply don’t care sometimes now with what I say or do.
4) when i look in the mirror all i see are flaws. not gonna lie. but i learned to life with them. Still do
5) i keep to myself. i’ve only became comfortable around a handful of people. University opened me up, I’m more comfortable now, and I’m still working at it.
6) i swear like a pirate at times, its a bad habit. Around grade 11 I swore a little less, but since grade 12 it has gotten worse. Now my vocab is so much like Mean Girls calling people sluts and whores.
7) i would like to believe i have a social life, but i don’t want to lie. I’m getting there. Had more of one in Sept/Oct due to the whole sorority schedual, but now it’s between that and total highschool bordom. I just can’t get away from the lazy Friday nights sometime.
8) i lie more than i need to, i cant either be really good at it, or you can see right through me. I lie less, only to my parents. I don’t really have reasons to.
9) i enjoy talking gangster. for some strange reason No I don’t.
10) there are guys are school that i think at really drop dead hot, they are the one i try to bump into in the hallways. Still.
11) but then theres the guys i do like, they are the ones i try to avoid. I actually try to be around more now, just to let them know of my existance.
12) i believe when i’m older i would get cosmetic adjustments to make me feel better. Sad, but still true.
13) i always have doubt in what i do. Mhmmm.
14) my motto is ‘hope for the best, expect the worst’ Yup, everything I do, I expect less than what I want.
15) i’m still waiting for that one guy. Two years later, and I’m still looking. Not the one, just the first.
16) and i’m not afraid to wait. I can’t wait. I want it to happen, c’mon 19 and still single. C’MON!
17) there’s only been one person that i feel comfortable enough to tell everything to. The number has grown
18) my fears have grown over the years. Just a little bit.
19) i owe everything to my parents. even though i say i hate them, i really do love them. I cringed at the thought that I said I ‘hated’ them. I missĀ  them more than ever.
20) i sometimes think it would be easier if i was just white? Nope, I kind of like the way I am now.
21) i have really low self esteem. From time to time.
22) i lift my feet when going over railroad tracks to let them go under. Everytime!
23) looking at stars is something i love doing. Still enjoy doing that! Helps that I’ve seen several shooting stars since the initial post.
24) i went through a semi emo phase between grade eight and grade nine. Hilarious.
25) im a perfectionist, and i hate it. Only to an extent.
26) i tend to procrastinate, i wish i didn’t. I really need to stop doing that.
27) i cheat. When the fuck did I cheat?
28) i would die for my friends. Oh yeah.
29) my pajama’s does not consist of pants or shorts. Or underwear for that matter.
30) when i walk down the hallways. i always look at the other girls and i would either think shit about them, or i would compare myself to them. I don’t think shit now, but I still compare.
31) i’ve never in my life said the n bomb, and im very proud. M’bad.
32) i’ve never even touched a cigarette or a blunt, Guilty. Oh University.
33) i take discriminating comments very offensive, even if they weren’t towards me. I’m a little more racist now. Not trying to be mean, just as jokes. Mostly asian stuff, only cause I’m asian.
34) i dont like being judged but i judge people within 20 seconds of meeting them. Trying to judge less.
35) i get motion sickness in hair dresser chairs. It’s gotten worse.
36) i love nature. It’s beautiful
37) my secret pleasure is miley cyrus. Yeah, seeing how much she’s fucking up.
38) i wish to travel the world one day. Still got to happen.
29) i want a theme song. Wtf right?
30) i crack my fingers alot. And my neck now too… :(
31) i prefer cute to hot. Still true.
32) i like being violent with my friends. Don’t know why I said that either, I hate hurting my friends, I always feel soo guilty afterwards.
33) i’m not afraid to lick people. So don’t you dare trying covering my mouth.
34) i flush the toilet even if i didnt use it. I hate the toilet! Flush with feet and everything, I also can’t stand opening the door with my fingers, but I get by.
35) i want to move away from where im from when im older. Yup.
36) so far in my life i’ve only seen one shooting star, and i was so shocked i forgot to make a wish. View count, at least 3.
37) first thing i notice on people are their eyes. Oh yeah.
38) i can be talking to you about anything, and if i like your eyes i would tell you. They deserve to know.
39) i never know what to say when im around guys. I just say what ever now, of course it makes me look random and weird. Not an attractive trait I think.
40) im still waiting for my first official kiss, and i’m not afraid to tell you. go ahead make fun of me. That was ruined by a very drunk night, after that it went downhill. Still waiting for a kiss from someone I like.
41) i am really bad with money. I’m going to go broke from living by myself.
42) i thought about starving myself many times before but they never lasted more than a day. Never been successful.
43) i really want to act. Not really, I’m horrible
44) i am very ticklist, i tend to kick and punch when i touched. its reflex. Sames
45) my sneezes sound like coughs. thats why people never say ‘bless you’ to me. That’s why everytime after I sneeze, I say, ‘That was a sneeze’
46) if i don’t like you, i won’t pretend to like you. Not true.
47) i love being out at night especially past curfew. Don’t really have a curfew now, so much freedom.
48) i love taking risks and doing things im not suppose to. Not a good idea.
49) once i hit legal age. im heading to the club every night. No I won’t. Oh stupid girl.
50) i never know what to say when people are upset and sad around me. but then i feel bad for not being a good friend. Still true, especially with relationship problems. I’m clueless.
51) if i like someone, i try to impress them. Oh yeah.
52) i miss the old times, i still miss my bff from grade 2. kaitlyn i miss you. too bad we lost contact. Still do.
53) i used to think emo boys are hot. Oh young Stacy…
54) i think preppy boys are hot. The preppy-ness turned into frat-tiness. HAHA.
55) musicians makes me melt. SUCH A TURN ON. Refer to CanmateJ. Sooo talented.
56) i changed alot over highschool so far. and change is good. Changed even more in the past 5 months, more than all of highschool combined. All for the good.
57) my opinions and feelings last for a long time, they rarely change. I’m a strong believer for my opinions.
58) space and stars fascinate me. Oh yeah.
59) sometimes i think im not smart enough to get into university. I’m half baked in right now, still think that sometimes.
60) i’ve only cried to one person outside of my family. Nope.
61) i want a dog. they are amazing. Too lazzyyy!
62) music makes up who i am. there’s time i learn from them. No it doesn’t. What was I thinking?
63) i wish love was as easy as it is on teevee. Stupid tv.
64) my favourite disney movie are ‘mulan’ and ‘the little mermaid’ Still am. So good!
65) most of what you see is not what you would see in the morning when i wake up. I unno, wear a little less makeup now :)
66) i would spend hundreds of dollars on cosmetics a year. Nope. Hahah! Less than 50.
67) i hate snow. i wish it was like cali here. Still hate it, but not wishing it was cali.
68) i cried during ‘newport harbour’ , sometimes i wish my life were like theirs. Hilarious.
69) i sometimes don’t get why some people would hate me. im never the one to start the hatin, i hate for even it out. Why would people hate me?
70) i always have a reason for everything i do. Not anymore.
71) i would never go for guys my friends like. even if i do like them. i would never admit to myself about it. Can’t do it. It’s not right.
72) i love airports. Such a high!
73) hollywood movies gave me an unrealistic view on life. Learned that it’s not real.
74) im not in a rich family, but my parents spoiled me growing up. Yup. Still do.
75) i feel bad for lying to my parents too much. A little less bad cause I don’t have to report to them anymore, and they don’t ask. But a little more in the sense that I’m doing more of what they don’t want me to do.
76) i have a shot gun laugh. Apparently according to Anna, but haven’t heard of it in so long!
77) i like planning out my future weddings. i got it all in black and white. Nope.
78) not only do i lie to others, i lie to myself also. Guilty.
79) racism makes me want to cry. Hmmm. I’m a horrible person.
80) i prefer carpet over hardwood. Other way around now.
81) i hate it when im talking to someone on msn, they just suddently stop talkin. even though i know there still there. People don’t really use msn anymore, but facebook chat! Omg, the fact that they can log off so easily, pisses me off.
82) when im walking down the hallways and it seems like i dont see you. i acutally do. im just purposely not looking at you. i see everyone i walk by. Now the problem is that I can’t see. My vision isn’t perfect, cause I don’t wear my glasses, so I feel like a douche when I see people but not recognized them. OMG!
83) i tend to lead people on. even when i’m not interested. I’m too nice, I dont’ know how to say no.
84) theres been so many times where it seems i would walk into something in public. i prob will too and break my nose. Still happens, espesh at the gym.
85) im a complete idiot when im intoxicated. Ditto.
86) i like being in the crowd, the busier the better. Mhmmm.
87) i have hella’ pride. ‘HELLA” ;)
88) i wish i have a gay friend. Still wishes
89) i hate bad weather, but i love playing in the rain. I don’t play in the rain…
90) its awkward when i see people i ‘know of’/recognize out of school, cause i know of ytour existance, but i dont really know you. so am i suppose to say hi? or ignore you completely? I just say hi now, no more awkwardness; unless I can’t see you…
91) when i grow up and is out of school, i want to work and live in the city (tdot, nyc. etc) and then i want to raise a family in a nice rich suburb. Still my dream.
92) i love toronto. Love love love!
93) i think i look so bland without make up. I’ve learned to deal.
94) im dieing to be old enough to go to clubs. No I’m not…
95) hot gay guys are just so damn hot!!!! SO HOT.
96) gossip is interesting. xoxo gossip girl
97) i procastinate alot. its human nature. Mentioned before.
98) people’s first impressions of me is either i am a super fobby asian that is a really big loser and is all about the books, or that i am really dumb due to my comfortability of being loud, random and funny. People think I’m a bimbo/ditzy whitewashed asian because I don’t use big words and I don’t take things too seriously. Also dumb cause I didn’t get into Architecture and is in the failure program.
99) then they’ll always discover that ‘re wrong over time. They’re right.
100) im afraid of commitment and relationships, i dont know if i can do it. I want to know if I can do it.
101) if i were ever to have to get a full body anesthetics someday, i would like to get a bikini wax while im at it, seeing as i wont feel it at all. y’see thats smart thinking. Gotten bikini wax, it’s deccc.
102) i wouldn’t mind going to a prep school. Still wished I was privileged.
103) i often give people the wrong signs/ideas because i try to be nice. Mhmmm.
104) swimming for me is a love hate thing. i like it. but i hate not being able to see good. I love it now. But hate that I’m fat.
105) i have the worst vision in the world. think you got worst? think again. It’s getting fixed.
106) i have astigmatism. Fixing.
107) i’m addicted to toronto. I envy them
108) i’m bloody interested in anything british! SKINSSS!
109) i wish my famfam was rich enough to send me to a prep/boarding school. Yup, too late now.
110) i’m spoiled at times. Parents do try…
111) if you tell me a secret. theres prob gonna be one person other than me that would know about it. True
112) when ever i think about relationships, i imagin the awkward breakups, and im just not ready for that. Yes I am.
113) i dislike my hair very much. and if you didnt know already. its naturally wavy ;) Still straighten it all the time.
114) my music taste is really odd. i like things that are different. Oh yeah.

Wow, I really did have something to say to everything. I enjoyed doing that. Just seeing how much my thoughts and morals have changed in the last 3 years. I have so much more confessions and facts that have gathered over the past few years. Maybe I’ll make another one when I have time and do this after university. That should be fun.

Dear Grade 10 Stacy.

You’re adorable, naive, silly and everything that I miss.

Love 1st year Uni Stacy.

Man…

I finally got my mark for the one course that I’ve been waiting for! I thought I was going to do good, I spent so much time into it. I got a B.

I’ve been having dreams about getting my mark for it, and waking up to find that it was only a dream. Not I wish this was a dream! I wanted atleast an A-.

I feel so gross right now, I feel like a failure. I guess I could have done better, but I thought what I put in was efficient, I guess they wanted more.

You know what this feels like? It felt like when I got my rejection from the school. It feels kind of worse though, because I actually tried and wanted a good mark. I told people that I wasn’t satisfy with the 83 I got in my dream, that I wanted it to be above that. That’s why it’s such a big deal, because I thought I was good enough, so I gave myself a basepoint.

Now I have to try extra hard on my portfolio, even if I think it’s good, this cold happen. I have to go over what they are expecting.

I guess this was a motivational stone, but still, I wanted this to be a mark that would raise my GPA, not slightly lower it. Ugh.

Failure.

When people tell me how pretty I am, I feel that it’s all lies. You’re suppose to be nice to me, you’re my friends, my family.

Action speaks louder than words. Obviously I can’t be that pretty when I haven’t even been able to feel it for the past 19 years of my life.

I try so hard with make up to look appealing, but it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I don’t care how drunk you were when you called me beautiful, it’s all empty words in the end when you’re trying to get in my pants. It’s all a bunch of lies, with all your actions and words because after you kissed me, you treated me like a stranger. You don’t know what it feels like to have never been truly liked and been treated that way because you have. You don’t know how much I want it, because you’ve had or have it.

I’m going to school to become successful to help me build myself into a person that can support myself and to attract others with my skills when I’m older. That leads to finding a SO, and starting a family. Everything we do is to find someone, and better yet someone you love. But it doesn’t feel like my odds are too great.

I’m so depressed when I think of this subject everyday and night. It’s become a habit. To feel bad about myself and cry myself to sleep.

Not until…

I will never feel truly beautiful inside and out; till someone will be able to like me as a whole; till someone can see me past my humour and know who I really am on the inside; till someone will be there to call me beautiful when I feel down; till someone won’t care about all the silly things I do; till someone can tell people I’m their’s without a hint of embarrassment; till someone cares about me more than I can ever imagine; till someone treats me the way all the other girls get treated; till I’m not seen as a materialistic slampiece; till someone not only talks to me when they’re drunk, but also when they’re sober; till someone would take time out of their day to make me smile; till someone will want to kiss me because they like me, not because it adds another number to their list; till someone will ignore other girls to make me feel special.

I’m asking for a lot, but I just want to feel that way.

I’ve been waiting for too long, and now I just feel desperate. I feel so disconnected with everyone else. I feel ugly and useless. Unwanted and invisible. I want it to change.

Hopeless.

What good is a talent, when it’s the only thing you are good at?

I’m good at art, I think I’m better than the average person. Not trying to sound full of myself at all.

I chose to go into the world of architecture because I have a passion for the subject. And it just so happens that it is the only career from university where I can apply my talent. Last week I was wondering what other programs I can apply into if I don’t get into architecture, for a back up you know? I realized that there was nothing else that I am capable of doing.

I checked out civil engineering because I thought it might be cool, related to architecture, on a greater scale. Too bad I didn’t have my grade 12 chemistry credit. It comes to my surprise that all engineering programs need 4Uchemistry to get in. There goes my dreams of maybe being an engineer.

I don’t even have to think about Sciences, the only science that I took full on in highschool was physics. No biology at all, and only grade 11 chem. That means I cannot go into sciences, not that I want to. I’m not too good with the body, nor do I have any interest in it.

The there’s the arts. You know, humanities and stuff. Stuff where you have to read and read and read? I’m in an art history program right now. And I hate it. I need studio time, I need to be hands on. I can’t do this. I’m a failure, as I was the only one out of my friends that were not able to get into their dream program. I failed. I suck.

This is why I feel so useless. I’m not university material. I said it. I swear I would coast through college with no problem, but I know I can do better. But why do I feel so out of place here? Architecture, is the only program I know of in university that incorporates both theory and technique. Why must I decide on a career that is so fucking competitive and hard?

I should just drop out and attend college, I’m sure my parents would love that.

People always praise me about my artistic talent, but what good is it, if it’s the only thing I’ve got. That it’s never going to help me in university, the place I’m going to be for atleast the next half decade. Fuck me.