I want to be able to start making things happen in my life. I’m tired of just lounging around and waiting for things to pop up, hoping that something interesting, out of the blue will occur. I also feel like this is the age, where I have to start thinking of my future and my journey towards my final goal. I need to start saving, planning, dreaming of the stepping stones towards whatever I am going to end up doing.
I want to reach out and get out of my way to make contact with different people and organization to broaden my horizon of possibilities. I want to be able to give myself opportunities that may not simply present itself to me. I recently creeped this girl that I met a few times, who is the daughter of my mum’s ex co-worker. In the past two years, she has made things happen for herself. She got into modelling all by herself, and now has endless connections and opportunities. I’m not saying I want to be a model, that is not realistic for me, but I want to be able to make something of myself.
I want to build up a resume experiences that can help shape me as a person. I no longer want to go through life putting in minimum effort to help those around me. I want to reach out and help people in need. Though time may not always be on my side, I at least want to gain the experience and the overall up lifting feel after helping out someone in need.
In the program that I am in, I have the opportunity to do co-op. I want to do it in a new environment, somewhere that will aid me in my quest of travel. I want to throw myself into a whole new place, where I need to learn to make it out alive alone; to make me a stronger person. I think it is such an envious skill, to be able to adjust to new environments. The ability to look through the loneliness and stand up when you are the most alone without people close to your life around you. Strength, versatility and endurance to know that there is a reward at the end.
I’m watching a show called Awkward right now, currently hooked and it got me thinking. She blogged about wanting to be socially visible, and be that girl.
That’s what I want to be this coming semester. I want to be that girl. That one girl that people would ask their friends about, to want to know who ‘that’ girl’ is. Of course all this on a positive note. I want to be even more friendly and social. So what are the steps of getting what I want?
- Stop being a pussy. I need to stop worrying about what other people thinks. I know I’m weird, people know I’m weird, so what’s the problem. I need to do whatever that floats my boat without fearing that I’ll be judged. I know I have the better judgement in my actions, so why be embarrassed about them. If certain people can’t handle the way I am, they’re not worth my time. I’ve come a long way in the past 3 months, meeting more people than I ever thought would be possible, so Imma do me and take risks.
- Have swag. Be confident, be happy with myself. I’m not going to be 100% everyday, I can always try to make myself more confident; in other words, go to the gym. Feel good and I’ll automatically look good.
- Be my own person. I want to break from stereotypes. Being a female engineer, I am already a minority, the guys in the program cannot take me seriously. The people that I meet are surprised when I tell them I am a engineer. Yes, I don’t fit in the nerdy stereotype but that doesn’t make me dumb. Coming from another side of things, being a in a sorority makes people take me less seriously. Because there is more of a social requirement on my part, people have another reason to judge my intelligence. I am not a cookie cutter girl, I don’t just fit into any stereotype that can allow people to have preassumptions about me without even know me. I want to be able to prove people wrong, and really make people ask ‘who is that girl?’ I am going to drown myself in school, and be the smart sorority engineering student that people don’t always expect.
In reality, I just made my basic New Years Resolution. These are all self adjustments that can be achieved by just doing more self reflecting and giving myself step-by-step short term goals. I am going to do this and be ‘That Girl’
I feel that I can never win in this quest to find someone that cares for me the same as I care for them. I always feel like I’m the person trying to put effort into things, make myself feel vulnerable. I don’t know if it’s because I’m used to guys being the ones to talk to me, and me ignoring it, that I feel that even when it comes to someone who I’m interested in they should be the one making the effort, and I’ll be the one returning it. I don’t like always having to reach out to show that I want to be with the person. I feel dumb. Is it so hard to understand that I want the person to meet me half way?
There’s this guy. I met him a month ago. I stopped seeing this other guy just so I can pursue this guy. Even though there has been no establishment of exclusivity between me and anyone, I still feel that I should respect the guy and not treat anyone like one of many wheels. Now that the back story is cleared up. I have grown to like this guy, we talk, hangout and get intimate but I feel like majority of the time I’m the one that has to text the guy up first to see what’s up. Thing is, he doesn’t always reply or acknowledge that I said anything. At this point he sounds like a douchebag, I know. I’ve expressed this issue to him and he says that he doesn’t always keep his phone with him, or that his phone died. I’m understanding and realize that not everyone keeps their phone when them 24/7 and it doesn’t help that I’m the type of person that just texts people frequently on a regular basis.
The current blow to my pride is that we have planned that we are going to hang out tonight, because last night didn’t happen because of his work. We planned that we are going to spend all night together and have a sleep over after I get off work tonight. We slightly talked about it today, and I said I’m going to talk to him after I get off. So as you can guess it, he’s no where to be found or to be reached. Texting obviously doesn’t work, and facebook is a no go. The art of communication is to keep these doors open, but obviously the priority of it is not the same for him. The fact that I told him that I was going to contact him tonight after work and him not being there to confirm angers me. I feel stood up. Yes I’m not embarrassingly sitting in public by myself but his action still hindered my pride.
I just want the kid to realize that he’s making me feel silly and insignificant. I don’t like waiting around for him to make a move. I want him to show me that he likes me in more than just words.