Fuck it.

I should really rename my blog to ‘Single girls blog’ 

This is going to be a short one, cause I really just want to state a decision I have just made. I don’t want to think about relationships or trying to make things work with guys anymore. Let’s face it. It obviously has not successfully happened. I don’t want to waste my time worrying about stuff like that when I have my school overload and my social life to consider.

From now on, I’ll just worry about getting laid and getting my fix. This sounds bad because this makes me farther from actually acquiring a relationship, but as facebook used to call it; I’m looking for: whatever I can get. 

Time to be a true university student and do me. 

 

Still single.

I always seem to come back here when I’m upset or sad. I just need a place to express my feelings, without being repetitive with my room mates and friends. Sometimes I feel embarrassed at what I feel sad about, and I feel that the people around me would think less of me. That’s why I’m here.

Tonight, I had one of those nights where it just ended with me feeling upset for no reason. I start tearing up, not knowing the cause of my leaking and this causes me to do some major self reflecting. In the end I felt like the reason I’m sad is because I don’t feel like I’m worth anyone’s time. Everyone seems to be doing their own thing, and I don’t feel like I have anyone there in the intimate level that makes me feel like I’m worth their time. I want someone to give my the attention that I crave; so here’s my next point. I don’t feel like I got the attention that I deserved for the night. The amount of time and effort I put into my appearance, and the what I was wearing. I admitted to myself that I looked rather good, but I don’t feel like I got the attention that was able to make me feel like my effort was worth while.

In the end, it’s comes down to me still being single. Not having anyone there to make me feel special and worth being around for. I’m tired of working my ass of to try to get attention from people, I want to be able to be myself with minimal effort and still be able to have someone letting me know I’m beautiful. I want to someday be able to go around and not worry about trying to seduce people into giving attention. Because when I have someone there, I won’t crave it the same way I do now.

Five years later, and I’m still depressed over the same thing. The past me would have thought I would have settled down by now, but things aren’t that easy.

Make things happen.

I want to be able to start making things happen in my life. I’m tired of just lounging around and waiting for things to pop up, hoping that something interesting, out of the blue will occur. I also feel like this is the age, where I have to start thinking of my future and my journey towards my final goal. I need to start saving, planning, dreaming of the stepping stones towards whatever I am going to end up doing. 

I want to reach out and get out of my way to make contact with different people and organization to broaden my horizon of possibilities. I want to be able to give myself opportunities that may not simply present itself to me. I recently creeped this girl that I met a few times, who is the daughter of my mum’s ex co-worker. In the past two years, she has made things happen for herself. She got into modelling all by herself, and now has endless connections and opportunities. I’m not saying I want to be a model, that is not realistic for me, but I want to be able to make something of myself. 

I want to build up a resume experiences that can help shape me as a person. I no longer want to go through life putting in minimum effort to help those around me. I want to reach out and help people in need. Though time may not always be on my side, I at least want to gain the experience and the overall up lifting feel after helping out someone in need. 

In the program that I am in, I have the opportunity to do co-op. I want to do it in a new environment, somewhere that will aid me in my quest of travel. I want to throw myself into a whole new place, where I need to learn to make it out alive alone; to make me a stronger person. I think it is such an envious skill, to be able to adjust to new environments. The ability to look through the loneliness and stand up when you are the most alone without people close to your life around you. Strength, versatility and endurance to know that there is a reward at the end. 

Who’s that chick?

I’m watching a show called Awkward right now, currently hooked and it got me thinking. She blogged about wanting to be socially visible, and be that girl. 

That’s what I want to be this coming semester. I want to be that girl. That one girl that people would ask their friends about, to want to know who ‘that’ girl’ is. Of course all this on a positive note. I want to be even more friendly and social. So what are the steps of getting what I want?

  1. Stop being a pussy. I need to stop worrying about what other people thinks. I know I’m weird, people know I’m weird, so what’s the problem. I need to do whatever that floats my boat without fearing that I’ll be judged. I know I have the better judgement in my actions, so why be embarrassed about them. If certain people can’t handle the way I am, they’re not worth my time. I’ve come a long way in the past 3 months, meeting more people than I ever thought would be possible, so Imma do me and take risks.
  2. Have swag. Be confident, be happy with myself. I’m not going to be 100% everyday, I can always try to make myself more confident; in other words, go to the gym. Feel good and I’ll automatically look good. 
  3. Be my own person. I want to break from stereotypes. Being a female engineer, I am already a minority, the guys in the program cannot take me seriously. The people that I meet are surprised when I tell them I am a engineer. Yes, I don’t fit in the nerdy stereotype but that doesn’t make me dumb. Coming from another side of things, being a in a sorority makes people take me less seriously. Because there is more of a social requirement on my part, people have another reason to judge my intelligence. I am not a cookie cutter girl, I don’t just fit into any stereotype that can allow people to have preassumptions about me without even know me. I want to be able to prove people wrong, and really make people ask ‘who is that girl?’ I am going to drown myself in school, and be the smart sorority engineering student that people don’t always expect.

In reality, I just made my basic New Years Resolution. These are all self adjustments that can be achieved by just doing more self reflecting and giving myself step-by-step short term goals. I am going to do this and be ‘That Girl’

Insignificant.

I feel that I can never win in this quest to find someone that cares for me the same as I care for them. I always feel like I’m the person trying to put effort into things, make myself feel vulnerable. I don’t know if it’s because I’m used to guys being the ones to talk to me, and me ignoring it, that I feel that even when it comes to someone who I’m interested in they should be the one making the effort, and I’ll be the one returning it. I don’t like always having to reach out to show that I want to be with the person. I feel dumb. Is it so hard to understand that I want the person to meet me half way?

There’s this guy. I met him a month ago. I stopped seeing this other guy just so I can pursue this guy. Even though there has been no establishment of exclusivity between me and anyone, I still feel that I should respect the guy and not treat anyone like one of many wheels. Now that the back story is cleared up. I have grown to like this guy, we talk, hangout and get intimate but I feel like majority of the time I’m the one that has to text the guy up first to see what’s up. Thing is, he doesn’t always reply or acknowledge that I said anything. At this point he sounds like a douchebag, I know. I’ve expressed this issue to him and he says that he doesn’t always keep his phone with him, or that his phone died. I’m understanding and realize that not everyone keeps their phone when them 24/7 and it doesn’t help that I’m the type of person that just texts people frequently on a regular basis. 

The current blow to my pride is that we have planned that we are going to hang out tonight, because last night didn’t happen because of his work. We planned that we are going to spend all night together and have a sleep over after I get off work tonight. We slightly talked about it today, and I said I’m going to talk to him after I get off. So as you can guess it, he’s no where to be found or to be reached. Texting obviously doesn’t work, and facebook is a no go. The art of communication is to keep these doors open, but obviously the priority of it is not the same for him. The fact that I told him that I was going to contact him tonight after work and him not being there to confirm angers me. I feel stood up. Yes I’m not embarrassingly sitting in public by myself but his action still hindered my pride.

I just want the kid to realize that he’s making me feel silly and insignificant. I don’t like waiting around for him to make a move. I want him to show me that he likes me in more than just words. 

Care//Respect

See I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful

-Lil Wayne

I want to someone to say that to me and mean it. I’m having another moment after listening to that song. How do you love? I don’t know if I can do it, I don’t know if I would know how to do it. I’m scared that when put into the situation I won’t know how to handle having someone. I’m used to be by myself. I don’t know how to care for someone intimately or know how to act when someone is caring for me.

This past summer I let someone into my life. I knew nothing was going to come out of it, that it will only be a physical thing. I prepared myself that this person is not going to care for me, and in return I will not put much feeling into this. I was fully aware. It was something new that I was trying, I can’t connect with someone emotionally and deeply, maybe I’m better off having a physical relationship with this person. Was I wrong. I soon came to realise that caring comes with respect, these two things come hand in hand. I know I told myself to not, but I cared for this person as a human being, treated him as I would treat others and would like to be treated. It was just a default you know. In the end, I realised that this person did not respect me, my belongings or anything for that matter. And I just felt dumb. My friends said he was a bad guy, that he was a douche bag, but I tried to see the light in everything and tried to explain that he isn’t that bad. He’s not a bad person, he just has a long way to go with respecting and thinking about others other than himself.

I don’t think I can do that again. It was naive that this would be something I would want. When I really thought about it, it’s pathetic to think that the closest thing I have ever had with a guy intimately was a booty call. At first it was something I laughed about, now I just feel sad. I don’t regret it, cause if that did not happen I would not think the way I do now.

I really want to have someone that cares for me and respects me in a relationship. But… I don’t know if I would be able to handle something like that, I really don’t know how it feels.

New beginnings.

I’m ready to start over again. To go into the unexpected, to be surprised. It’s such an exhilerating feeling, putting myself into situations where I can become who ever I want. If I were to be thrown into something foreign and new two years ago, I would run home and cry to mum, but now I feel like a new person. I love meeting people and learning about things I never knew.

It is almost September that means that I will be starting my second year in university. Same school, same people, but at a school with 28000 people, I think I can manage to meet new people. I want to get more involved this year. I’m helping out with frosh, this means that I will have to get super close with 30 other people to work together and even more when I meet the froshes and hopefully make some new friends there. I’m taking courses from another faculty, that means I will be meeting engineer students that I would have never met when I was stuck in art history. I’m rushing for a sorority again, this automatically means new people and friendships. I want to join clubs and be an active member, so I can meet even more people. I think I just love the thrill of finally enjoying human companionship and being able to cope with change.

What I just mentioned above, that isn’t even a big change, it’s just what I’m excited for in the new school year. Something I’ve been thinking a lot into is that I want to switch schools after this year. In the past year, I let my childish and naive mind make myself believe that I can’t leave now that I’ve started a life here. I didn’t want to leave the good friendships I have behind. But in the past few months I’ve learned that I’m going to be okay. I can’t let something as little as status and ‘a good time’ determine my future and where I want to be. If I go into civil engineering, I can transfer to schools much closer to home near the city and get my degree there. Part of my want to leave and maybe persue my education in Toronto. I want to live in the city and feel what it’s like.

This is the time for me to discover myself. I’ve already found out that I can be the type of person to pick up and leave. Not in a bad way, I don’t mean to leave everything behind. But I’m open for change and opportunities.  I used to fear the thought of leaving people since I hate and is scared of goodbyes. They have always been my weakness but that doesn’t go with my mentality of wanting to travel and go from place to place. Now with this type of adrenaline, I know that the important people in my life will always be there no matter where I go. It just depends on the effort both parties are willing to put in to make it work.

Come at me world. I’m ready for you.

No Regrets.

First year of university is done. My first year of adulthood is over. I keep getting these hit of reality ever to often, making me realise that I’m no longer a child and everything that has happened in the past year has been amazing.

After experiencing everything, I really won’t change a thing. I did not get into my dream school for a reason, so I can go here. I did not get into the program I applied to here, so I can meet the people I have met that has changed my life. There were so many factors that would changed how I would have turned out at the end of this year. I’m glad for all the decision I have made. Yes I have not made very good ones from time to time, but it helped me reflect on myself and questioned why I did it. I learned to open myself more, to be more social, something that I craved this time last year. I was able to let people in, into my life, thoughts and problems. I learned that I cannot hide myself anymore, and I have to reach out. I cannot live on a safety net because I don’t want to get hurt. Yes it makes me vulnerable, but that’s life. I have taken more initiative to be with people, I can now make plans with people, and not be so awkward. I’m still the same person, but I have grown so much as a person.

Do I regret everything that didn’t happen last May? Getting rejected. No. Because this year happened. This year has been such a stepping stone in my life. It was the transitional point that I will always be grateful for.

Everything does happen for a reason; if it were any different, I don’t know how my life would alter. It could be better, it could be worse, but where I am right now is just right.

Dream.

Last night I had a dream that I opened the door and walked into the guy I like and some girl getting it on.

I walked out of the room embarrassed, but that soon turned into anger and sadness. I was angry that he would do that with me in the next room. Even though I know we have not established anything, I know he has some kind of feelings back. I was upset because well… the guy I liked was getting it on with some girl.

He came in next door and blamed me that I walked in on them, and felt no remorse. That’s when I got mad and the thoughts of going home and becoming a total slut came into my head. Thinking that ‘I can do that too!’

Thank goodness it was a dream.