Still single.

I always seem to come back here when I’m upset or sad. I just need a place to express my feelings, without being repetitive with my room mates and friends. Sometimes I feel embarrassed at what I feel sad about, and I feel that the people around me would think less of me. That’s why I’m here.

Tonight, I had one of those nights where it just ended with me feeling upset for no reason. I start tearing up, not knowing the cause of my leaking and this causes me to do some major self reflecting. In the end I felt like the reason I’m sad is because I don’t feel like I’m worth anyone’s time. Everyone seems to be doing their own thing, and I don’t feel like I have anyone there in the intimate level that makes me feel like I’m worth their time. I want someone to give my the attention that I crave; so here’s my next point. I don’t feel like I got the attention that I deserved for the night. The amount of time and effort I put into my appearance, and the what I was wearing. I admitted to myself that I looked rather good, but I don’t feel like I got the attention that was able to make me feel like my effort was worth while.

In the end, it’s comes down to me still being single. Not having anyone there to make me feel special and worth being around for. I’m tired of working my ass of to try to get attention from people, I want to be able to be myself with minimal effort and still be able to have someone letting me know I’m beautiful. I want to someday be able to go around and not worry about trying to seduce people into giving attention. Because when I have someone there, I won’t crave it the same way I do now.

Five years later, and I’m still depressed over the same thing. The past me would have thought I would have settled down by now, but things aren’t that easy.

Take the bait?

I’ve never tried so hard to give the guys the sign that I’m interested, to try to make it obvious, to give him the green light.

How much do I have to throw myself at you? I stayed on campus till 2 in the morning to hang out with you, and ended up walking home. I complimented on you looking good in boxers. I let you spit on my face for fun (of course it was game and I got to do the same thing back) I slept in the same bed as you. I came to hang out with you basically everyday for the past 2 weeks.

Are you really not going to take the bait?

After talking to a wise someone, there has to be something wrong, I’m giving all the right sign, I’m not hiding it, I’m not leading you on. I’m straight out giving you the signals that I’m interested.

I’m not going to be the one that has to put in all the effort, if you’re not going to meet me half way. I shouldn’t put that much time and effort into it.

No I’m not upset. Mostly because I haven’t been straight up rejected, but it just feels like that without him telling me. I guess I’m kind of frustrated that it doesn’t feel like it’s working out, still I like hanging out with him. I’m not going to make the next two weeks of school awkward between us. I like being around him, his roomate and his floor. Besides, even if there was something, there is two weeks of school left and two weeks of exams after that, he also lives 5 hours away from me. It’s unrealistic. I’m sure if I’m still interested, I can make a better effort in September when I know I don’t have a deadline.

I’m getting over this as I type. Once again, he’ll always be someone that I’m going to be attracted to, through his looks, personality, talents and smarts. The timing is just not right.

Troubled.

I fear rejection; I praise acceptance.

In any situation I see the chances of being rejected negativity as a natural thing, it is something I expect. The idea of acceptance and positive feels farfetched, it feels like a miracle. In this whole school thing, reapplying, trying to get into school or with boys. I’m always scared of the feeling of being rejected and not being wanted. At the same time, I’m kind of used to the feeling. I’m used to hearing the bad news and I just kind of expect it now.

My friend says that it’s this negativity that always brings me down. Yes, I understand that it is, but I’m okay with it. It’s just part of my life to have those feelings and it is something that I’m the only one feeling. People don’t know I’m sad and hopeless. I was told recently that I always have a smile, and I feel that I was able to deceive everyone around me as being the happy positive person that they think I am. I don’t need people to know how I feel. I don’t want people to know, to know that I’m more than just a simple smile. I don’t need to be worried about, or thought about. I’m scared about being judged by people when they know what my problems and thoughts are. I’m not perfect and my thoughts and ideas aren’t either.

I’m troubled.

Memoirs.

This is the final draft of Memoirs, an entry that I created 2 years ago. I rewrote it and now I’m submitting it along with my portfolio.

Our world is filled with objects from another time. Almost everything we see, hear, and feel are a remembrance of the past. It can represent the history from centuries ago, or it can be as personal as one’s own memory that brings them back to a specific time or place.

I dream of the future, the unknown, and from time to time the past. I think of times in my life I truly enjoyed. They are strong, every single detail is laid out for me to take in and smile about, at times it becomes too vivid and the realization that it is just a memory makes me wish it was real again.

It is a bitter-sweet thing really, while it is happening it is amazing, but when it is over, it can only exist as a faint memory. It is thoughts like this that make me want to live my life to the fullest. To live in the moment, not care about the past or future, and just make ‘now’ amazing. To gain experience; to assemble the pieces to who I am; to build my life.

What happens when it is all over though? Everything I do will be all but a memory; the good, the bad, the best days of my life, they will all end. In the bigger picture, what happens when I, myself, end? Will I be a memory? It is everyone’s role to make an impact, whether they know it or not. Will I be able to make an impact in someone’s life or better yet the world? Will my actions be remembered? The ones that will remember my last moments in this world, what will happen when they leave?

For that reason, it is my goal in life to create; to leave a mark. As Lord Voldemort in Harry Potter made Horcruxes to have his soul live on, I hope to live on through my creations with art and hopefully someday, architecture. While people die and memories fade, physical structures live on and get admired. Why architecture? It is their beauty that shapes the world around us, and I want to be part of that. To express myself in ways no paintbrush or pencil can, to build a larger-than-life representation of who I am, my ideas, and my dreams

­            ‘Something still exists as long as there’s someone around to remember it. ‘

- Jodi Picoult

Analyze.

Okay so let’s analyze myself as a person.

I like being someone that is fun, energetic and I guess sometimes slight immature. That’s just the way I am. When you meet me, I’d have the biggest smile on my face. I try to live in my youth. I can be dramatic with my actions, not the bitchy kind just I might take my happy to an extreme. I’m rarely a bitch, I might be sarcastic at times. I’m always looking for ways to entertain myself. I like peaking into people’s rooms that I know and just asking what’s up, and will want to chill out. I ask them about their day, how they are, what they are doing. Kind of random.

But sometimes I feel that I can come off as being annoying with my overly energetic personality. Sometimes I don’t know when to stop. I can keep on going with this little girl at of asking question or being involved and I can piss people off. It’s happened before, and then I would feel so bad. Of course I learn from everytime that happens, that I can’t go that far with that certain annoyingness.

I’m a rez bum, I go to my friend’s rez building a lot just to hang out. I live off campus so he said that I can call it my second home of I wanted to. I would love to take up that offer, but at the same time I feel like a bother sometimes. I feel like a charity case that has no home. He knows how much I want a rez life, and how I’ve never got the chance to have one and he’s here for me. I’m so grateful but I feel like such a hassle. He says I’m like a little sister to him, and I feel like one. He’s always there to take care of me when I’m drunk, or let’s me eat his food when I’m hungry, let me crash when I have no where to go. I feel like a child that has to be taken care of.

My friends say that these aren’t qualities that I should dislike, that it’s because I’m the way I am that they love me. Yes but this can only last for so long. I cannot act like this in 5 years can I? 10 years? What will I have to be then? I don’t know anything different, this is the one way I can act as if I was fun and for people to like me as a person.

How does one mature? Because obviously I haven’t for the past decade, I’m still the same mentally, sexually physical child that I was years ago.

Deal.

Sometimes people have to think of themselves and spoil themselves with what they want.

If things aren’t working out, things that you can’t control. Make yourself happy with something that you do have control of.

So here it is, in black and white;

If I end my first year of university (End of April) and still not have had a thing with a guy, I will treat myself to an industrial piercing.

Why not? Why am I giving myself a ‘deadline’? Well if you read my previous posts, a boy is something that I really want right now. 19 years old and have not been in a relationship, you tell me what’s wrong there. Also, recently, I also wanted an industrial piercing. So really, it’s a win-win situation, not matter what happens, I will get something I want. It isn’t to say that I will try to avoid boys just so I can get a piercing. They’re both not needs, just wants. And to make this a little more clear, ‘having a thing with a guy’ means just being able to share mutual feelings with someone. This may be seeing or dating someone, just so long as I can feel the least bit good about myself that something is kind of working out.

I really don’t know what the logic behind this was, but I can’t complain. Whatever happens happens. Everything happens for a reason, maybe I am suppose to get a guy and not get this piercing, or maybe I’m not suppose to get a guy and get an awesome piercing. We’ll see how this turns out.