Fuck it.

I should really rename my blog to ‘Single girls blog’ 

This is going to be a short one, cause I really just want to state a decision I have just made. I don’t want to think about relationships or trying to make things work with guys anymore. Let’s face it. It obviously has not successfully happened. I don’t want to waste my time worrying about stuff like that when I have my school overload and my social life to consider.

From now on, I’ll just worry about getting laid and getting my fix. This sounds bad because this makes me farther from actually acquiring a relationship, but as facebook used to call it; I’m looking for: whatever I can get. 

Time to be a true university student and do me. 

 

Make things happen.

I want to be able to start making things happen in my life. I’m tired of just lounging around and waiting for things to pop up, hoping that something interesting, out of the blue will occur. I also feel like this is the age, where I have to start thinking of my future and my journey towards my final goal. I need to start saving, planning, dreaming of the stepping stones towards whatever I am going to end up doing. 

I want to reach out and get out of my way to make contact with different people and organization to broaden my horizon of possibilities. I want to be able to give myself opportunities that may not simply present itself to me. I recently creeped this girl that I met a few times, who is the daughter of my mum’s ex co-worker. In the past two years, she has made things happen for herself. She got into modelling all by herself, and now has endless connections and opportunities. I’m not saying I want to be a model, that is not realistic for me, but I want to be able to make something of myself. 

I want to build up a resume experiences that can help shape me as a person. I no longer want to go through life putting in minimum effort to help those around me. I want to reach out and help people in need. Though time may not always be on my side, I at least want to gain the experience and the overall up lifting feel after helping out someone in need. 

In the program that I am in, I have the opportunity to do co-op. I want to do it in a new environment, somewhere that will aid me in my quest of travel. I want to throw myself into a whole new place, where I need to learn to make it out alive alone; to make me a stronger person. I think it is such an envious skill, to be able to adjust to new environments. The ability to look through the loneliness and stand up when you are the most alone without people close to your life around you. Strength, versatility and endurance to know that there is a reward at the end. 

Who’s that chick?

I’m watching a show called Awkward right now, currently hooked and it got me thinking. She blogged about wanting to be socially visible, and be that girl. 

That’s what I want to be this coming semester. I want to be that girl. That one girl that people would ask their friends about, to want to know who ‘that’ girl’ is. Of course all this on a positive note. I want to be even more friendly and social. So what are the steps of getting what I want?

  1. Stop being a pussy. I need to stop worrying about what other people thinks. I know I’m weird, people know I’m weird, so what’s the problem. I need to do whatever that floats my boat without fearing that I’ll be judged. I know I have the better judgement in my actions, so why be embarrassed about them. If certain people can’t handle the way I am, they’re not worth my time. I’ve come a long way in the past 3 months, meeting more people than I ever thought would be possible, so Imma do me and take risks.
  2. Have swag. Be confident, be happy with myself. I’m not going to be 100% everyday, I can always try to make myself more confident; in other words, go to the gym. Feel good and I’ll automatically look good. 
  3. Be my own person. I want to break from stereotypes. Being a female engineer, I am already a minority, the guys in the program cannot take me seriously. The people that I meet are surprised when I tell them I am a engineer. Yes, I don’t fit in the nerdy stereotype but that doesn’t make me dumb. Coming from another side of things, being a in a sorority makes people take me less seriously. Because there is more of a social requirement on my part, people have another reason to judge my intelligence. I am not a cookie cutter girl, I don’t just fit into any stereotype that can allow people to have preassumptions about me without even know me. I want to be able to prove people wrong, and really make people ask ‘who is that girl?’ I am going to drown myself in school, and be the smart sorority engineering student that people don’t always expect.

In reality, I just made my basic New Years Resolution. These are all self adjustments that can be achieved by just doing more self reflecting and giving myself step-by-step short term goals. I am going to do this and be ‘That Girl’

Insignificant.

I feel that I can never win in this quest to find someone that cares for me the same as I care for them. I always feel like I’m the person trying to put effort into things, make myself feel vulnerable. I don’t know if it’s because I’m used to guys being the ones to talk to me, and me ignoring it, that I feel that even when it comes to someone who I’m interested in they should be the one making the effort, and I’ll be the one returning it. I don’t like always having to reach out to show that I want to be with the person. I feel dumb. Is it so hard to understand that I want the person to meet me half way?

There’s this guy. I met him a month ago. I stopped seeing this other guy just so I can pursue this guy. Even though there has been no establishment of exclusivity between me and anyone, I still feel that I should respect the guy and not treat anyone like one of many wheels. Now that the back story is cleared up. I have grown to like this guy, we talk, hangout and get intimate but I feel like majority of the time I’m the one that has to text the guy up first to see what’s up. Thing is, he doesn’t always reply or acknowledge that I said anything. At this point he sounds like a douchebag, I know. I’ve expressed this issue to him and he says that he doesn’t always keep his phone with him, or that his phone died. I’m understanding and realize that not everyone keeps their phone when them 24/7 and it doesn’t help that I’m the type of person that just texts people frequently on a regular basis. 

The current blow to my pride is that we have planned that we are going to hang out tonight, because last night didn’t happen because of his work. We planned that we are going to spend all night together and have a sleep over after I get off work tonight. We slightly talked about it today, and I said I’m going to talk to him after I get off. So as you can guess it, he’s no where to be found or to be reached. Texting obviously doesn’t work, and facebook is a no go. The art of communication is to keep these doors open, but obviously the priority of it is not the same for him. The fact that I told him that I was going to contact him tonight after work and him not being there to confirm angers me. I feel stood up. Yes I’m not embarrassingly sitting in public by myself but his action still hindered my pride.

I just want the kid to realize that he’s making me feel silly and insignificant. I don’t like waiting around for him to make a move. I want him to show me that he likes me in more than just words. 

Care//Respect

See I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful

-Lil Wayne

I want to someone to say that to me and mean it. I’m having another moment after listening to that song. How do you love? I don’t know if I can do it, I don’t know if I would know how to do it. I’m scared that when put into the situation I won’t know how to handle having someone. I’m used to be by myself. I don’t know how to care for someone intimately or know how to act when someone is caring for me.

This past summer I let someone into my life. I knew nothing was going to come out of it, that it will only be a physical thing. I prepared myself that this person is not going to care for me, and in return I will not put much feeling into this. I was fully aware. It was something new that I was trying, I can’t connect with someone emotionally and deeply, maybe I’m better off having a physical relationship with this person. Was I wrong. I soon came to realise that caring comes with respect, these two things come hand in hand. I know I told myself to not, but I cared for this person as a human being, treated him as I would treat others and would like to be treated. It was just a default you know. In the end, I realised that this person did not respect me, my belongings or anything for that matter. And I just felt dumb. My friends said he was a bad guy, that he was a douche bag, but I tried to see the light in everything and tried to explain that he isn’t that bad. He’s not a bad person, he just has a long way to go with respecting and thinking about others other than himself.

I don’t think I can do that again. It was naive that this would be something I would want. When I really thought about it, it’s pathetic to think that the closest thing I have ever had with a guy intimately was a booty call. At first it was something I laughed about, now I just feel sad. I don’t regret it, cause if that did not happen I would not think the way I do now.

I really want to have someone that cares for me and respects me in a relationship. But… I don’t know if I would be able to handle something like that, I really don’t know how it feels.

Dream.

Last night I had a dream that I opened the door and walked into the guy I like and some girl getting it on.

I walked out of the room embarrassed, but that soon turned into anger and sadness. I was angry that he would do that with me in the next room. Even though I know we have not established anything, I know he has some kind of feelings back. I was upset because well… the guy I liked was getting it on with some girl.

He came in next door and blamed me that I walked in on them, and felt no remorse. That’s when I got mad and the thoughts of going home and becoming a total slut came into my head. Thinking that ‘I can do that too!’

Thank goodness it was a dream.

The result.

Was the date a success? I don’t know. I didn’t leave this one with the same satisfactory feeling as our first one. I walked away, and I wondered what exactly happened. It felt like a hang out if anything, so it’s really up in the air if there would be a round 3.

We talked about a lot of stuff again, just this and that. Nothing too deep. He bought me beaver tails and looked at ice sculptures. There was the awkward moment, or course we tried to get rid of those.

I really don’t know. I would like a redo, kind of. There were the good parts of course, but the less than interesting parts were there too. So they kind of cancelled each other out. It ended with us getting off the bus and me running for my bus which was quickly leaving ahead, no time for a hug.

I said thank you for the beavertail and that I had a fun time (That was something he said a few times when we were hanging out) with a smiley face and a winky face, he replied with a ‘me too :)’ I then tried hitting up a convo on facebook chat, joking about something and there was minimal response. Now what? So it’s really up to him.

Hmm maybe he’s feeling the same and I should give him a clue that I’m still interested hanging out. Maybe tomorrow I should casual send a message saying we should play again sometime, just something cute and innocent. Okay that’s the plan.

I got better.

Oh how much has changed in one single year. To fully understand the contrast please refer to: Slut

I’m no longer the ‘slut’ I don’t know what I am anymore. In a way when you look at my numbers since that post it has gone up. Then when you look at me currently, I’m anything but. Here’s the story.

When that post was writting, I have only kissed 3 boys. Then I thought it was a big number, and that it made me slutty. Since then, the numbers started going up. In May I had my first sober kiss. It was spontaneous and I don’t think I liked it that much. I met the boy on a sunny Friday afternoon in May, then we ended up making out in his basement. It was short, but I had to stop it. It didn’t feel right. Needless to say, never spoke to him ever again, even though he lives down the street from me. After that I made out with someone I met on our girls night out to Niagara falls in July, drunk of course. After that had a party in August and ended out making out with a school friend, weird, drunk. Then two days after that, I had my second official sober makeout. I mentioned this before, I enjoyed it seeing as it was with someone that I liked a lot back in grade 10, and I’ve had a crush on him ever since. Then the weekend after that, gone to second base for the first time with a guy I’ve had my eyes set on when we met two days earlier. After hearing that he thought I hot, I made it my mission. Success. In the course of 4 months, 5 guys.

Then univeristy started, I decided that I don’t want to do that anymore, that I want to meet people before making out with them. I would say I’m doing a very good job compared to before. Kissed a boy briefly during frosh drunk, I got up, tucked him into bed and left. Then I guess I made out with a guy when I was super smashed at a club, I don’t really count that, I have no recollection and I have nothing to say to that. Kissed a boy goodbye at a keggar last month. Not bad, considering as there was several occasion where I could have. I’ve gone out of my way to say no; like pretending to fall over/passout when some guy wanted to kiss me; said no repeatedly to a guy at Greek Olympics, and only kissed him goodbye at the end. I would put my hand up to my mouth when ever he tried, turns out he was an alumni for tke.

I don’t want to be a bitch and say that have standards, but I do. Would I kiss you if I was sober? People tell me that’s half the fun, when you’re so drunk, it doesn’t matter. But I don’t want to have the recollection of sucking face with someone I would not want to if I was sober. I also really want a kiss from someone I like, that’s the one thing I want. Even better sober, to know what it actually feels like. Am I really asking too much?

I’ve got a lot of self control now, and I have more moral respect.

And I like it.