I have never seen an example of passionate love in couples in my life yet.
- My parents have no love in their marriage, I am starting to question if there was any to begin with.
- My aunt and uncle on my father’s side of the family is unmarried and alone.
- My grandfather from my dad’s side died before I was born so I never seen my grandma happy with someone before.
- My mum’s sister’s husband is not a good husband
- My mum’s other sister got cheated on and is now divorced.
- My mum’s brother is alone, I don’t even know about him
- My mum’s parents are divorced when she was at a young age.
There are 7 examples of failed marriages or lack of in my immediate family, the only family members that I can ‘look up’ to. I was thinking last night, is this some kind of family curse that will get passed on to me? I’m scared. Like I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never had a boyfriend, or anything close to that in the 17 years I’ve been around. People may say that it’s totally normal and that I have so much more time, I feel maybe this may also be a factor of my personality. Obviously I don’t know how to attract the right guys. Right guys, as in nice, decent guys.
I don’t have this charm, that some people have.I believe I’m socially awkward, and when it comes to guys, this multiplies by a million. I can only look, and be ignored. I’m used to it, I don’t have the motivation to step out of my comfort zone. I’ve mentioned before that I learning and getting better, but I’m not sure anymore. I’m no more social than I was when high school started. Heck I think I was more social two years ago, when I had a slight job and actually hung out with more people and went to parties. Now, I’m just all me and my few friends. There hasn’t been a chance where I needed to meet new people in a long while, let alone guys. I just hope this doesn’t fuck me over in the next half decade in university.
Nor do I have looks to die for. I’m average, probably only a 7. I also have this slight belief that the only foolproof successful way of landing a guy is choose from someone on a lower ‘superficial’ scale than you. No one beautiful will look at me when there are people out there are are 8′s, 9′s and 10′s. It’s common sense really, why catch a small fish when you have the ability of reeling in the shark. They say until you feel that you are beautiful, will others see you as beautiful. I’m sure if a pile of shit calls itself beautiful, people will still see it as a pile of shit. A 3 will never be a 10, unless they physically alter themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I guess it’s a little true, when you think of yourself as beautiful, one will be able to hold themselves up better, with more confidence. Maybe some people are attracted to that. But until that day comes, I’m stuck.
I’m scared that by being the same as I am through university or the rest of my life, my love life will always be like how it is now. I really don’t want to follow the same path my family has, but until I can find someone to love me, I don’t think I have a choice. Being the first in my family to go to university is not enough now, I want to be the first in the family to marry someone I actually love, and have a good marriage that will last the rest of my life. I’m scared that I will have to settle for someone that I do not love, just to get married, which will result if my being not happy, just like my parents.