Marriage Fail.

I have never seen an example of passionate love in couples in my life yet.

  • My parents have no love in their marriage, I am starting to question if there was any to begin with.
  • My aunt and uncle on my father’s side of the family is unmarried and alone.
  • My grandfather from my dad’s side died before I was born so I never seen my grandma happy with someone before.
  • My mum’s sister’s husband is not a good husband
  • My mum’s other sister got cheated on and is now divorced.
  • My mum’s brother is alone, I don’t even know about him
  • My mum’s parents are divorced when she was at a young age.

There are 7 examples of failed marriages or lack of in my immediate family, the only family members that I can ‘look up’ to. I was thinking last night, is this some kind of family curse that will get passed on to me? I’m scared. Like I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never had a boyfriend, or anything close to that in the 17 years I’ve been around. People may say that it’s totally normal and that I have so much more time, I feel maybe this may also be a factor of my personality. Obviously I don’t know how to attract the right guys. Right guys, as in nice, decent guys.

I don’t have this charm, that some people have.I believe I’m socially awkward, and when it comes to guys, this multiplies by a million. I can only look, and be ignored. I’m used to it, I don’t have the motivation to step out of my comfort zone. I’ve mentioned before that I learning and getting better, but I’m not sure anymore. I’m no more social than I was when high school started. Heck I think I was more social two years ago, when I had a slight job and actually hung out with more people and went to parties. Now, I’m just all me and my few friends. There hasn’t been a chance where I needed to meet new people in a long while, let alone guys. I just hope this doesn’t fuck me over in the next half decade in university.

Nor do I have looks to die for. I’m average, probably only a 7. I also have this slight belief that the only foolproof successful way of landing a guy is choose from someone on a lower ‘superficial’ scale than you. No one beautiful will look at me when there are people out there are are 8′s, 9′s and 10′s. It’s common sense really, why catch a small fish when you have the ability of reeling in the shark. They say until you feel that you are beautiful, will others see you as beautiful. I’m sure if a pile of shit calls itself beautiful, people will still see it as a pile of shit. A 3 will never be a 10, unless they physically alter themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I guess it’s a little true, when you think of yourself as beautiful, one will be able to hold themselves up better, with more confidence. Maybe some people are attracted to that. But until that day comes, I’m stuck.

I’m scared that by being the same as I am through university or the rest of my life, my love life will always be like how it is now. I really don’t want to follow the same path my family has, but until I can find someone to love me, I don’t think I have a choice. Being the first in my family to go to university is not enough now, I want to be the first in the family to marry someone I actually love, and have a good marriage that will last the rest of my life. I’m scared that I will have to settle for someone that I do not love, just to get married, which will result if my being not happy, just like my parents.

Is it really neccesary?

why is it that i always tend to blog when i should be heading to sleep?

i honestly dont know. alright so there was this one day where i was too rushed to acutally put make up on. so through out the day i felt like shit. but then one my my guy friends in my last class told me that i lookdifferent. i knew that he was pointing out my makeupless face, but never would i have guessed afterwards that he would say ‘you look better with less makeup’ that stunned me. i’m the person that wears makeup daily for outtings, and feels disgusting without. its gone to a point that i feel so self concious that i dont even look people in the eye when im makeupless.

but then theres some guys that like it when girls have makeup and are concious about their image. i would think they would like it because they like a girl that knows how to take care of her self? but hey i wouldnt really know. im a girl.

so heres the point of this blog. whats honestly better? being natural but not looking the best or being madeup and knowing that you look good? i only know a few people out there that looks drop dead with no makeup. those are what i call natural beauties. but then some people are like, being natural with no make up is natural beauty. but is it really? you may be natural, but that doesnt always mean that you look hot. cause i know many people dont look their best makeupless.

and then theres the people that say people that use makeup is ‘fake’. i dont understand how people can say that. you are enchancing what you got, or creating the illusion that you will never be able to have with out make up. when people say that all those ‘artificial enhancers’ are fake. then i would think that it includes makeup(foundation, liner, lipgloss etc), hair tools (straightener, curly etc),  tanner etc. if those are fake, i would think i have the whole package. cause i straighten my wavy hair, i use makeup to enhance my eyes. i use contacts to ditch the glasses. i honestly dont know where im going with this. yikes. but you get the idea.

so what is fake? whats real? is there a borderline between the two?

so enough about the rant. life. so i finished making my brothers smosh boxman costumn. im proud. and over the weekend i spend over 7 hours painting an apple. yes productive. today i told myself that i wanted to go on the three day diet. but then i bought lunch. damn that was a good grilled chicken caesar wrap. if only food wasnt that good. maybe i wouldnt be so fat. but maybe i burned it off when i did my bike work out today. i hope i’ll keep that up for another few days if not for long term. but im thinking about doing crunches again. im sure it works. i did it a few days last week? and my stomach felt flatter. but then i ate. hahaha! i wonder if that three day diet actually work? its supposely suppose to lose like 10 pounds in few days. i might wanna try it. but my aunt feeds me and watches me eat, so i dont think that would work. seriously this is not going anywhere either. hahah! just pointless blabbling. i hate that my movie theater is being renovated! im excited that it would be so much bigger, but i hate that im missing all these movies. list of movies i missed… eagle eye, forever strong. movies i must wait to see… HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL THREE, the haunting of molly (something). and movie im going to see FO SHO!?!?!? TWILIGHT!!! alright i must go. linsday lohan is playing on my music player. and i think thats the sign for me the peace and sleep. omg! im going to have a hard ass time waking up tomorrow. oh boy. hahha!

i hope people read this. that way i know i didnt just type all this for cyber space. haha! night!

EDIT. and im starting to learn this in chem. what the fuck is up with the moles? its so complicated! seriously suicidal. haha but i prob wont be saying that in like a week when i acutally get it. just watch ;)