I hate it.

I want to take a vacation from this family. It is way too ridiculous the way it functions. All the ‘Love you’ and ‘ I care about you’ are all bullshit. How much can you be loving me, when the things you say to me hurt me so much? I don’t like the thought of being in the same room as you, because all you do is bring up my failures of life. I’m finally an adult now, and I don’t need to take your bullshit. You say you support my actions and understand how I’m feeling after I got rejected. You said that it wasn’t my fault, and that I should have gotten in. I know those were only to make me feel better, but when you turn around and go back on everything you said. It really makes me wonder. I slam on me at where it hurts most. You know I’m sensitive there, and you don’t care. You just want your words on everything.

Your feelings are more important than mine. You are selfish. You care about how others view you and your daughter’s success. You tell me to ignore other people. but how about you tell that to yourself? How about you stop caring and stop dropping the Hiroshima on me when you get embarrassed on what others say. I hate that you don’t understand me as a person. You never tried. My whole lifetime growing up, you pretend to care and know about me, but all you know is the superficial stuff. You know what to buy me, you know what I like, but do you really know how I feel? You never do! You don’t make me feel comfortable enough to come and open up to you. All you know how to do is attack me on me and my decisions.

You make me do things that I don’t want to do. I don’t really have a choice now do I? I’m obedient because I want to be a good daughter. But are you a good mother? I never get a say in things, maybe that’s where out communication fails. When I reply give my own suggestions, it is called talking back. This is where I am suppose to get my mouth washed with soup. You tell me how I don’t take you yelling at me well, that I always get in a bad mood. But really? You want me to get turned on by your mean words? What kind of fucked up child do you think I am? I say one thing back, and I am a bad daughter.

I really don’t know what kind of world you and the rest of my family grew up in. A world where there is no trust. You tell me that I can’t trust anyone but family. But trust me, I trust my friends more than I trust you or anyone else of my close family. They understand me, they don’t judge me to a point where I feel hurt. They make up who I am now. You say that they are going to leave me when they have the chance and take advantage of me. They will cheat, lie and steal. If this is your definition of ‘friendship’ then you’re friendship history must have been fucked up.

I hate that you don’t try. I hate that I always get attacked. I hate that you never stick with what you say. I hate that you make me sad.

Marriage Fail.

I have never seen an example of passionate love in couples in my life yet.

  • My parents have no love in their marriage, I am starting to question if there was any to begin with.
  • My aunt and uncle on my father’s side of the family is unmarried and alone.
  • My grandfather from my dad’s side died before I was born so I never seen my grandma happy with someone before.
  • My mum’s sister’s husband is not a good husband
  • My mum’s other sister got cheated on and is now divorced.
  • My mum’s brother is alone, I don’t even know about him
  • My mum’s parents are divorced when she was at a young age.

There are 7 examples of failed marriages or lack of in my immediate family, the only family members that I can ‘look up’ to. I was thinking last night, is this some kind of family curse that will get passed on to me? I’m scared. Like I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never had a boyfriend, or anything close to that in the 17 years I’ve been around. People may say that it’s totally normal and that I have so much more time, I feel maybe this may also be a factor of my personality. Obviously I don’t know how to attract the right guys. Right guys, as in nice, decent guys.

I don’t have this charm, that some people have.I believe I’m socially awkward, and when it comes to guys, this multiplies by a million. I can only look, and be ignored. I’m used to it, I don’t have the motivation to step out of my comfort zone. I’ve mentioned before that I learning and getting better, but I’m not sure anymore. I’m no more social than I was when high school started. Heck I think I was more social two years ago, when I had a slight job and actually hung out with more people and went to parties. Now, I’m just all me and my few friends. There hasn’t been a chance where I needed to meet new people in a long while, let alone guys. I just hope this doesn’t fuck me over in the next half decade in university.

Nor do I have looks to die for. I’m average, probably only a 7. I also have this slight belief that the only foolproof successful way of landing a guy is choose from someone on a lower ‘superficial’ scale than you. No one beautiful will look at me when there are people out there are are 8’s, 9’s and 10’s. It’s common sense really, why catch a small fish when you have the ability of reeling in the shark. They say until you feel that you are beautiful, will others see you as beautiful. I’m sure if a pile of shit calls itself beautiful, people will still see it as a pile of shit. A 3 will never be a 10, unless they physically alter themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I guess it’s a little true, when you think of yourself as beautiful, one will be able to hold themselves up better, with more confidence. Maybe some people are attracted to that. But until that day comes, I’m stuck.

I’m scared that by being the same as I am through university or the rest of my life, my love life will always be like how it is now. I really don’t want to follow the same path my family has, but until I can find someone to love me, I don’t think I have a choice. Being the first in my family to go to university is not enough now, I want to be the first in the family to marry someone I actually love, and have a good marriage that will last the rest of my life. I’m scared that I will have to settle for someone that I do not love, just to get married, which will result if my being not happy, just like my parents.

Father.

People with anger issues should not be allowed to start a family and I mean this with the whole of my heart. It is not fair for the spouse and the children to be living with such bipolar being. I understand that this may be a great parent, husband or wife, but when it comes time that the uncontrollable anger strikes, all hell has let loose. Feelings are hurt and the sense of fear is embedded in the family. One must watch what they do along with what they say to live day by day in avoidance to be yelled at.

I’m saying this through experience of having a father that family members have feared ever since he was born. I’ve always been afraid of him, everytime I see him, or talk to him on the phone, I hope to god he didn’t find another reason to yell at me. He’s one of those fathers that takes a little problem, and stretches it to a mile long road. I’m trying to get use to this, and go around these obstacles ever since I started to live with him a few months ago. I avoid talking to him as much as possible, and even when I do, they are things that I have thought over and know that nothing nasty will come out of it. I don’t even question him with he pulls nonsense bullshit about history and such out cause I know he would argue back and WWIII would start.

But what happened a little less than an hour ago was the last straw. I have never yelled back at my father before, it was a weird feeling. Maybe it was because I was crying too and he didn’t seem to care that I was hurt. There was miscommunications between me, him and my mum. It was about directions and streets. After a while of frustration and him hitting the screwdriver off the paint can, I suggested that I show him a map. After walking out frustrated when being shot down, I looked it up on google map, he yelled at me for not knowing what the street name was called. I understand that I get yelled at if I was being stubborn on false information, but when I simply did not know something, I shouldn’t get yelled at. Arguing turned into tears and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve never cried so hard. I’ve seen everyone in my family cry over him, and now i get it. Don’t get me wrong, I love him as a father, I just hate living with him.

Family members of the individual with this kind of problem can never be truly happy. A stubborn person will never share the spotlight with anyone else, he must always be on the top. Tears and heartbreak will always be the result.

I know you are my only father, but I blame you for some of the anger and sadness in my life.

Go ahead, yell at me for everything single thing I do, you’ll regret it in the future.

I wish I can turn it off.

So I broke down. My hot tempered father yelled at me for not vacuuming my room when I specifically remember him telling me to vacuum OUTSIDE my door. I got the vacuum back into my room and broke down. I don’t even know why. If you go back to the previous few posts you may see the similarity of topics that I blogged about.

I think there is just so much in my life right now that I wish can be better, but isn’t. I’m stressed, I’m not happy with myself in so many ways and just the things that are going on around me. It’s not boredem that is making me slightly depressed, it’s live itself.

Last night I realized how I’m not wanted anywhere for anyone. New Years is a time where you celebrate it with people you care about or just people you enjoy hanging out with, I guess I’m neither one of that. My friends I guess is an exception seeing as one was at a family gathering, and one is just not aloud out in general. My family didn’t even feel the need to use this as an opportunity to be together as a family. This is also an issue with how I associate myself with people. I keep myself so closed off from all other people with my close friends that I don’t have a chance to get to know other people or have people get to know me. Once these three people are gone and out and about, I’m all alone. I’m too reliant on them.

I feel ashamed to be in my skin, my self esteem has hit rock bottom. As I said before, I don’t like anything about me. There is no time where I am not aware of what I do and how I act. As that is what others see when they look at me. I’m ashamed. I don’t feel that anyone would love me for me without all the make up and photoshop. That’s the issue. My one best friend has just got a boyfriend last night, the other got one a few weeks ago, and and another is kinda seeing someone. Maybe it’s just that it is all happening so close that it was a reality check of me being single while they are all taken. I never gave much thought, I see couples and relationship statuses everywhere but now that people so close to me all have someone else in their life, it makes me feel lonely. I’m really happy for them, but at the same time I feel bad for myself. I think that maybe if I was better looking, or had a better body that it would all be different. If I had a taller nose, less round of a face, better hair, bigger boobs, thinner arms, toned butt, no man shoulders, tight abs, less over bite, symmetrical eyes, had ear lobes, perfect body, let’s just say my ideal, maybe that way boys would like me. But reality isn’t perfect, and I’m stuck. I want someone to like, someone to hold, someone to think about and be thought of. I’ve been trying to deny the fact that I really want someone. I just think if I say that the only reason I don’t have someone is because I’m just not looking that way it can be my excuse for being single. But the fact is, that special someone will always belong to someone else. No matter how hard I try with someone I like, I won’t work out. So I give up and tell people I don’t need anyone right now.

I’m scared shitless of what’s going to happen in a few months. I’m scared shitless to hear back from the universities and be told that I am not accepted. I am scared shitless that I will fail in university and fail to my parents and to myself.

I’m so unsure about everything, the present, the near future or the far future. I’m shitting myself with tears of frustrations that would sound silly if I told people. I don’t know what to do. While everyone is loving their awesome life with awesome people, I’m stuck dealing with shit alone. I wish my life could be ideal, and that I was ideal too, I want things to be easy and predictatable without worrying about screwing in life.

Lonely.

when it comes time to when you really need people to be there for you, who would it be?

friends, one would like to say that they will be there for you forever, but forever is a strong word. they can be there for you for everything, but there are always a way that can cause them to drift away, even if you say to yourself ‘im best friends with them for a reason, they would never do that.’ how do you know that they will never leave you? what connection is there that will ensure that they will always be in your life? they will have that connection with their significant other, that could be the reason. they are ‘significant’ for a reason. and then their ties with their family may be the down fall to your friendship. there is no 100% bullet proof friendship. you just have to try you best and hope that you are as important to them as they are to you.

now family. there is a very high chance that your family will be the people that will be there for you when you need help, but are they there because you truly want to? or are they there because they feel the obligation because you are blood. someone once told me, blood is thicker than water. they are there throughout your life because they are your family, but what if you were the same person inside and out but you are not related to them, obviously they would not treat you the same way. the feeling of nurture is a weird thing. you can’t control your ‘love’ for the people in your family. can it really be considered ‘love’? i know your going to say that love is an uncontrollable feeling. but if you have no idea if what you feel towards the person is true ‘love’ or if it is the responsibility of wanting to be there for someone because they are somehow connected to you, how do you know that it is something that you fully want to do? im trying so hard to make sense of this, it seemed more understandable when i was thinking about this last night.

oh and then there is the significant other. sure you ‘loved’ each other at one time, but i have seen marriages fail and trust be loss. when the spark is gone, what would be keeping that person in your life? it is unrealistic to think that a couples relationship will always have that spark they once did when they first fell in love with each other.

so in the end, i just feel that one has to be prepared that they may not always have that one person to go to when you truly need it. may it be a friend that you thought you will never separate from, or the family member that may be only there because they feel obligated to help but yet may not fully want to or the one you love and will always love. it’s a scary thought. you may be the type that would give it your all to be there for people, but do you think everyone around you feels to do the same?