i was just looking at my blog. and i noticed my calender.
five consecutive days of blogging 🙂 that makes me happy.
just feel i should share my excitement. though my cheery mood may be the cause of a lack of sleep.
i’m totally digging a new song. eros by late night alumni. it is so nice, it just makes me want to leave this planet and go to my own. so peaceful and lovely! i am so getting this cd! once i get my new credit card from my mother, then i’m heading off to amazon yay! omg! its just so good!if you havent heard late night alumni yet. check it out.
wow. i feel i should blog what has been on my mind for a while now. i am currently single right now. i’m completely content, though i won’t mind changing my status. i have had a couple of crush and ‘liking’s in the past few years during my time in highschool. well 3 to be exact. i kind of had a thing with this junior when i was in grade nine, but it felt like he was seeing me as an object and nothing else. showering me with comments and compliments. not always pg 13. that never worked out. and then i developed strong feelings for this boy last year at the end of grade nine which last till half way through grade ten. there might have been something at first but i guess he didnt return the feelings later, so i eventually moved on. not without hard work that is. after about over half a year not needing to lust over or think about a guy. i was hit with cupids arrow again. this time things are going great. we talk alot and hung out and such. and everyone seems to think that something might come out of this. i also think so too.
now back to the general topic of what i’m talking to. i would love if something does eventually happen, but at the same time im worried that it will. the big thing is that i’m not sure that i am mentally and emotionally ready to be in a relationship. i’m somewhat afraid of change i guess. the responsibility of trying to keep up a relationship and hiding it from my parents. yes i’m not aloud to date. there’s also the fact that i would have to sneak around them and lie to them about what i’m doing. as if i can go out on a regular basis, how am i suppose to be able to spend time with him with my overly strict parents. like i mentioned before in yesterday’s blog. there is so much stress on my half i guess.
i think unless you are in this situation you wont understand how i’m feeling. before i thought i wouldnt mind being in a relationship. having someone that likes me as much as i like them, someone to cuddle with and is able to give me protection by just putting his arms around me. things arent black and white like that. there is always a catch. maybe i’m just not ready for a relationship at the moment, or more precisely, i’m afraid to be in a relationship. but i guess i would never know until it happens. but what if it does happen? and it doesnt work out? maybe because of me not being able to spend enough time with him ending the relationship or more simply, the relationship just ends. i’m honestly afraid of that. any end of anything is terrifying for me.i don’t think i would be able to handle it with ease. maybe i should just wait until after highschool when i’m on my own to start thinking of relationships. that way parents would be able to control my status, i wont have to hide anything from them AND i would have control over how i spend my time. now.
what am i going to say to him? i’m sure he has some feelings for me, should i just tell him that i’m not ready to get into a relationship even though i really want to and explain to him my difficult status with my parents and hope he understands and suggest him to move on and forget about me? of course that would be hard, eventually seeing him with another girl, treating her the same way he treated me. only this time she’s not gonna be in the same situation i was in. i guess that would be easier, that way things wont get difficult.