Bloggers Block.

Enough said.



I’m sick. Been at home for the past three days and missed two days of school.

i was actually pushing my luck on thursday, because i didnt want to go to piano lessons. i got my mom to let me stay home for the day. i was planning on going to school friday, but i woke up and i was worst then ever. so even before i can say anything ( as if i could) she said i was staying home. the whole day home i watched the discovery channel and ate congee. it was a thrill. and today, ugh its not as bad as friday, but its still bad.

in the pass three days, i have drank enough water to be equilivant to one and half of those water machine water bottles. and peed like a preggo woman.  seriously i went to the washroom every ten minutes 😦

i want to die.


i have never hated someone so much in my life. i want to cry every time i have the least bit of rage towards him. it’s more then a simple sibling relationship malfunction. whenever i vent about how much i hate my brother, my friends would just say deep inside, i do really love him. i don’t love him. i don’t even like him. i can’t stand the look of him. i’m usually not a violent person, but he is the one that can trigger me to imagine all the horrible things i can do to him. i would literally beat the living shit out of him and smash his head onto the pavement. he can die a slow horrible painful death for all i care. and even if that does happen. i wonder how amazing life would be with out the existance of my brother. my throat wouldn’t ache anymore from yelling at him every single day. my mind wouldn’t explode from all the effort i need to not slit his throat. i’ve never been so graphically gorey in my life with the things i wish would happen to him, until recent a recent ‘snapage’ from that little mother fucker. i have no other emotions except for hate and rage towards that person. i guess i’ve grown up thinking that i have to like him, that it was a moral requirement under the family rules of life. but i understand now that i don’t have to treat him like a brother, i don’t have to pretend i ‘love’ him. i don’t have to make him feel the least be relevant to me in any way. i only have one and half year of dealing with that spawn from satan. after i leave, i don’t have to speak to him ever again. i can come home from university and ignore him while i bond with the rest of the family.
i’m happy just thinking of him out of my life.

Amazing Discovery, anticipation.

So i was clicking around in itunes, yesterday i found of how podcasts work, nothing too special. but then just now i clicked on the ‘radio’ button. and to my surprise, you can listen to radio stations from around the world. they are genretized and withing the genres there are so many different radio stations! i’m so ecstatic right now and happy! i’m going to start listening to them now!

i’m listening to a paris france station right now. and hearing them speak the lovely language makes me feel like im there myself! and to think that i will be off to europe in two weeks! wow. but im not getting the pre vacation jitters yet. it still seems so far away, yet it’s so close. i think part of me thinks its so unrealistic and that is not going to happen. well it is europe we’re talking about without my family with my friends. and the other part is afraid that i would go there and like it too much and won’t want to leave. i’ve always hated leaving places. even going to brock university in grade 8 and kingston for earlier this year i was so upset when i had to leave. i was dreading the next day because i know it would one day closer to going back home. i’m also afraid that i won’t have the good time im hoping i would get. i’m thinking that it would be such an amazing experience and i have such expectations. what if it’s nothing like i imagined it to be? that’s just scary! but my one and only fantasy about france is to wander off and get lost and discover paris france by myself without having to follow the school. but i know that would be impossible. that’s why i want to go on a european exploration by myself and maybe with a friend some time in the future. that way i can have the freedom of what ever i want.

i’m sick of canada. i want out!


so i ‘ve been ‘good’ for the past month and half. ‘good’ as in i haven’t had any type alcohol consumption. i don’t crave it, though there is times where i want to have some in me (wait that’s craving nvm) basically i want to get smashed/shitfaced/hammered/trashed/teed/etc.  sometime soon! it doesn’t help that the only way to get some is to get it off people ( which get it off someone else) or that my parents are completely clueless and against me drinking. i never even brough it up to them. i hate being underage. the pass few days i’ve been thinking about how awesome it would be once i become 19. heck i even talked to my cousin about going to niagara falls, renting a room and clubbing there after my birthday. i’m not a complete alcoholic, i just like to let loose every so often. though when i drink i always plan to get plastered, i guess that makes up for all the times i don’t drink. i feel that it is such a waste in alcohol if you don’t ‘give it your all’ personally i hate the feeling of tipsy and buzz. once i hit that stage of the slight intoxication, i automatically down more alcohol until i loose all self control. i love the feeling of just letting go of all worries and responsibilities or what other people think. most of all i love that it gives me a reason to be a total idiot. i guess i’m not that bad, i drink so ‘little’ that i am able to remember all the times i drank in my life.

March 24th 2007 (14) – this after my grade 9 spring semi formal, we walked to my friends apartment. basically all we had were this big malibu and orange juice. surprisingly good. i didn’t had that much since the taste of alcohol was overwelming for me. stayed there for about an hour and a half. the last half hour was hell for me, i had to pee like a pregnant woman, and the chicks house i was at was about to move out so everything was gone except for a couch and a tv.

July 3rd 2007 (14) –  i was hanging out at my friends house, did the usual took tons of webcam pictures and made a vid of us sing and dancing. how embarrassing. then we decided to sneak three beers out of her dad’s stash and we drank at the park. i felt something that time, but not enough to get drunk.

July 12th 2007 (14) – my first real ‘party’ i knew i was going to drink that night, i obviously did not know what i can take. i got there around 6ish. and i started drinking around 7. i downed about four coolers in an hour. yes binge drinking. and then i dont remember anything after that. ‘apparently’ i cried cause i was scared that i would get in shit from my mom when she comes to pick me up. i was the joke of the party. i also jumped into the pool with all my clothes on. hour embarrassing. my mom was suppose to pick me up at 11 but my friends dragged me home at 10:30. while i was getting dragged home i threatened to punch my friend and acutally attempted to punch her. i also hugged a lamp post and peed myself. thank goodness i arrived home right after my mom left the house to pick me up. halleluja. oh yeah i got the worst hangover of life the day after.

October 29th 2007 (14) – all the good stuff were gone and i was stuck with beer, i took a sip and passed. worst party of my life. but i felt good that i was ‘good’

Then i went into my ‘straightedge’ phase where i did’t want alcohol to control my actions. didnt last long.

April 5th 08 (14) – I finally got of my straightedge phase. this one was a big party. i didn’t drink alot but i got to the point where i was giggly and happy and loving everyone. i made friends with a german exchange student from the catholic school. i jumped a fence as everyone was saying the cops are coming… which they weren’t i looked all over the house for grain and made sandwiches hoping to help my friend sober up. and i also accepted a ride from a not-so-sober guy.

May 10th 2008 (15) – one of my better parties. ironically it was at the house right behind my house. i went went there with four breezers, and one corona. gave one breezer to my friend and sold another one. i wanted to trade the corona for something good, but my friend wanted it so i was nice and gave it to. but then she said it tasted like shit so she gave it back making stuck with it. i started playing with basketball, since i couldn’t stand i kept on falling. i look up and see my best friend staring at me ( she hasn’t seen me drunk before) after i finished my three, i went in and stole some vex from someone and split it withmy biff. after that i went back in for another and put it my bag. by that time i was out of it. i was a slob by then and next thing you know my vex that was in my bad disappeared. i spazzed but then i forgot about it soon. my biff barfed and me being the amazingly good friend started comforting her and stroke her back, i ended up with barf in my hair) other stuff i remember from that night… running around the block to my house in bare feet and bring my friends stuff out. i was a track star!

May 17th 2008 (15) – May 2-4 weekend. I wasn’t planning on doing anything, but i ended up tucking my brothers into bed at 10:30 and snuck out my window and walked to my friends house. I had them get my four breezers (faveee) it was just the four of us, me and four good friends (guys) by around 1 two of them left leaving me and my friend on a trampoline… next thing i knew we were swapping spit. first kiss was with a good friend and drunk. we walked to my house loving each other way too much. and let’s just say he left at 4 am. REGRETTTT! nothing happened below the belt though so it was all good. except he showed up at school with big purple blotches all over his neck. how embarrassing.

May 24th 2008 (15) – didn’t even plan this one. i went to a friends house (same three guys as week before) with some new girl i was hanging out with from my rugby team. it was suppose to be a bonfire, but we went to a close by party. then later since was no alcohol we went to some guys house that had left over alcohol from the night before’s house to pic them up. i drank too much. when i left, i thought my night was done that we were going to crash at my house, but my friend got a call from a guy she was seeing and then we went to meet him. he was also with a friend, and we were all hanging out. i was drunk by then and i shouldnt be out. my friend was telling everyone that me and the guys friend was going to make out. and we did. ugh. i didn’t even know the guy. we got to my house and we had a coed sleep over. i ended up sleeping on the ground as the three of them got the bed. they left in the morning sneaking out the window when my brothers started hear us talking. ugh i refer to this as my ‘bad’ month. apparently he went to school monday with marks on his neck too. so awkward when i see him in the hallways these days, his locker is right by my friend’s. never talked to him since that night. just weird avoiding looks.

August 24th 2008 (15) –  birthday dinner of my friends. we didn’t plan on drinking, but some girls were hinting that we should. we eventually put our money together and ordered some alcohol and had them delivered. nothing too interesting happened except that we got so friendly with each other that we started sharing ‘shaving’ techniques and tips. hahah!

November 29th 2008 (15) –  semi formal. this one i blogged about. basically i got too trashed, walked to the school. danced like a whore got attention and got bad looks from the cops and teachers 😦 felt like shit because i didn’t eat all day and left early. mom ended finding empty cans in my garbage, and questioned me 😦

January 21th 2008 (15) – party/gift exchange at my house. messed up the house. got snuggly with a guy i thought i liked. cleaned up a 26er that spilt on the floor. played truth and dare and it ended with a guy putting a show for everyone when he tried to jizz in a shot glass. hahah! fun stuff. i thought i did a good job cleaning up until two days later my mom finds a empty can in the kitchen cuboard.

wow i’ve only drank 11 times in my life and only more to come.

self doubt.

so i got my report card for my first semester on wednesday, and i must say that i am uber happy with my result. i  ended up with an average of 90%. yay! but i know deep inside, the only reason i have this mark is because i had painting and design as two of my four courses. sometimes it feels like im dumbed down by the courses i choose. my biff’s are always talking about how hard their courses are and they do have hard courses. and then there’s me. i just feel like i can’t measure up to them. when ever they talk about their long bio lab/essays, all i can do is sit and listen. i feel ashamed when i bring up my classes, and what i have to do in them. even if they are not thinking it, it feels like they are thinking something like ‘ew why is she complaining about her easy ass courses?’ and stuff like that. it’s not that i’m too dumb to take those courses, i just don’t need those courses. they want to get into med, and i want to do architecture. they do science all day in school, i draw and design. i understand that you can’t compare the two , but i feel under them. i bet deep inside people are like, ‘orange shouldn’t be getting those marks, its all because of her arts and designs. they’re lazy’ i’m going to admit they are easy, but they are things i enjoy doing. i’m talking about such mixed topics here. basically, i don’t feel that i can measure up to my friends, because i can’t compare to their hard courses.

i also got my data management test i wrote on Wednesday back today. surprisingly i did alright with a 89%. i personally didn’t feel that confident when i wrote the test since i knew there was a question or two that i didnt fully get, resulting in a loss of a few marks.

i hate how anti social i am. it makes it even worse because my best friend can become buds with everyone. i get so jealous of her, she’s one of those people that can strike up a friendly conversation with anyone. she is the one of those people that you see in hallways that is always smiling at you even though you don’t know her. she is the type of person that would give you friendly hello when you see her. it makes me upset that it’s so easy for her, and that i can try so hard but i would always be so shy. she’s just so likable, while i’m so not. i don’t feel comfortable around new people, i try to say hi to people but i always end up chickening out and eventually regretting it. example, me and my friend are the only grade 11ers in the class of grade 12 data management. she sits behind me, and she is now buds with all the people around her. then you see me, the other asian girl that just watch her talk to people and hope that she is able to maybe sneak in with a comment or too. in the past year i’ve improved with my people person skills. i’ve learned to get the guts to start talking and saying hi to strangers, though i know that is not enough. i think it was the way i was raised, the way i was so sheltered my whole life and was afraid of people in general. i never had a great childhood with making friends. i moved around alot and switching schools a couple of times in my early years of school. it was always hard for me. i was always the girl that got stuck with the outcasts of the class. highschool got better, though i still feel more comfortable with the few close friends, and leaving everyone out. my fear right now, heading off the university and struggling all over again. i envy her so much gets me upset everytime.