self doubt.

so i got my report card for my first semester on wednesday, and i must say that i am uber happy with my result. i  ended up with an average of 90%. yay! but i know deep inside, the only reason i have this mark is because i had painting and design as two of my four courses. sometimes it feels like im dumbed down by the courses i choose. my biff’s are always talking about how hard their courses are and they do have hard courses. and then there’s me. i just feel like i can’t measure up to them. when ever they talk about their long bio lab/essays, all i can do is sit and listen. i feel ashamed when i bring up my classes, and what i have to do in them. even if they are not thinking it, it feels like they are thinking something like ‘ew why is she complaining about her easy ass courses?’ and stuff like that. it’s not that i’m too dumb to take those courses, i just don’t need those courses. they want to get into med, and i want to do architecture. they do science all day in school, i draw and design. i understand that you can’t compare the two , but i feel under them. i bet deep inside people are like, ‘orange shouldn’t be getting those marks, its all because of her arts and designs. they’re lazy’ i’m going to admit they are easy, but they are things i enjoy doing. i’m talking about such mixed topics here. basically, i don’t feel that i can measure up to my friends, because i can’t compare to their hard courses.

i also got my data management test i wrote on Wednesday back today. surprisingly i did alright with a 89%. i personally didn’t feel that confident when i wrote the test since i knew there was a question or two that i didnt fully get, resulting in a loss of a few marks.

i hate how anti social i am. it makes it even worse because my best friend can become buds with everyone. i get so jealous of her, she’s one of those people that can strike up a friendly conversation with anyone. she is the one of those people that you see in hallways that is always smiling at you even though you don’t know her. she is the type of person that would give you friendly hello when you see her. it makes me upset that it’s so easy for her, and that i can try so hard but i would always be so shy. she’s just so likable, while i’m so not. i don’t feel comfortable around new people, i try to say hi to people but i always end up chickening out and eventually regretting it. example, me and my friend are the only grade 11ers in the class of grade 12 data management. she sits behind me, and she is now buds with all the people around her. then you see me, the other asian girl that just watch her talk to people and hope that she is able to maybe sneak in with a comment or too. in the past year i’ve improved with my people person skills. i’ve learned to get the guts to start talking and saying hi to strangers, though i know that is not enough. i think it was the way i was raised, the way i was so sheltered my whole life and was afraid of people in general. i never had a great childhood with making friends. i moved around alot and switching schools a couple of times in my early years of school. it was always hard for me. i was always the girl that got stuck with the outcasts of the class. highschool got better, though i still feel more comfortable with the few close friends, and leaving everyone out. my fear right now, heading off the university and struggling all over again. i envy her so much gets me upset everytime.

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2 responses to “self doubt.

  1. architecture sounds heaps cool 🙂 i’d love to be able to draw, but it just so happens that i’m the only non-artistic asian on the planet. 😦

    i have heaps of friends that are smarter than me too, but i think its cool 🙂 they have their benefits, like they used to teach me maths. they want to do things like med and law, so i’ll have doctors and lawyers as connections 🙂 you shouldn’t feel below them 🙂

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