Really really long…

this is definetly a depression post.

so kiwanis is over. it’s all done, and ive never felt better. not because i did exceptionally well but that i don’t have to stress and cram anymore. my first class which was the mozart i told  you about. and you know how i told you that that day i practiced for six plus hours? well i bombed it the next day. had to restart a few times because my mind just totally blanked. but i ended up with a 84. that afternoon i had my bach sinfonia. i can tell that i’m not very good at this but while a was practicing this at home. i swear that i played it perfect like 25 times. but when i got them i couldnt even start it. the adjudicator asked if i wanted a peak before trying again so i did. and then i fucked up again in the middle. like fmylife now! i got up for my bow  but he told me to take and other peak and start at the middel. i did and finished it. like when i play i can play it perfectly, but then i mess up and i basically fall flat on my face. i ended up with a 80. it just feels like i can try as hard as i can, but i can never do good. and today. oh wow. i know i wouldnt do good in this class so i cant really complain. i got a 78. worse mark i have EVER gotten. but what ever. i still have to tell my piano teacher. definetly not excited.

now back to the point of this post. yesterday before my bach, i had a break down. i was saying to my mom that i can’t play for my life even if i practice a shit load, and i’m fat. i was looking down at my tummy. i just checked my bmi. i’m  five foot three and i’m one hundred and thirty eight pounds. i’m 0.5 away from being over weight. also i feels like that there is nothing i’m good at. i can’t do music, i try to do art but i dont’ have the initiative to try. i tried out for sports all my life, but end up either quitting or get cut from the team so what am i good at? i realize tha i can’t be the best, but i want to be up there. i’m so average.

school. i used to be smart. i used to be mega smart in elementary school. i was one of the four math helpers.  but then high school came. like take the last physics test for instance. i studied my ass off. worked on all the questions the teacher ever gave us and i end up with a 74. on the other hand, my friend that i guess didnt study as much as me not saying that she didnt, but she did head off to bed first got a 83. i thought i did well. i thought i understood everything. but i guess i was wrong. i try so hard. but i would never be good enough. and this got me thinking. by the rate im going. i wouldnt be able to get into the university that i want. my dad was like you’re not stupid. but what does he know. he thinks that im smart because my average last semester was 90%. but seriously my classes last semester was math, painting, design and chem. it’s the art and design that keeps my mark up. i fail at english. im average at math. and now i have to add physics to the list of complete epic fails. how am i suppose to hold up a high 80’s average for next year. i’m not going to get into a good university, i’m not going to go around the world for co-op, i’m not going to land a good job because of the shit university i will go to . and i’m going to be a bum, on the streets earning less the 60000 a year. how do i know guys would want a poor bum. and now how am i going to have kids with no other half?

now to add to me depression i was thinking of all the flaws of myself. yes that makes it wayyy better. i think i’m legally blind with out my visual aids. i can’t see more then a feet away from my. well nothing clear that is. my eye sight is worse then a hamsters, they can see about five feet. i don’t like sharing my prescription. it’s -7.50? that’s really really really bad. i swear i need to wear one of those checkered badges. and like it doesnt help that my eyes are badly agstigmatism either. im so weird. and then theres my hair. i can’t leave the house without burning it up by straightening it over and over again! its a effing frizz ball and i dont know why its like that. when i was younger it was straight. it was beautiful now its so gross. my right eye is bigger then my left eye. yes you can say that not one is perfectly symetrical. but seriously my eyes are effed up. my right eye has a creasse/fold what ever you call it. but then my left is totally the stereotypical hooded no crease eye. not that i dont like it. but i rather they be the same. like can it not be bother double eye lid or both be hooded? is that hard to ask? i look so demented its not funny. ughhhhhh! oh and did i mention i’m fat? okay i’m done. i dont want antyone getting mad. so i think i’m goibng to go. lunch is arriving and people are going to start pouring it. sigh.

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