when i was in elementry school, i thought that maybe in highschool i might get asked to dances, and get asked to dance with people i would be ‘happy’ to dance with. i thought maybe i would have my first boyfriend in highschool. maybe i would the someone that people would invite to parties. but nothing has changed, i hope for these stuff, but hoping for the best only kills the reality.

lately, well for a while now, ive been thinking about things that i hope that would happen later on, short term and long term. here they are:

  • having a date for prom
  • be happy with my body sometime in my life
  • get my first boyfriend in highschool (still)
  • get good enough mark to get an interview to waterloo university
  • get into waterloo
  • get a  decent salary
  • get married to someone i love
  • be able to have kids
  • basically be successful in life

th0se are the basics. but in so many ways they can be screwed over by random things happening. i’ve never really been one with luck so that’s out of the game for my life. and trying hard doesnt always do me any good. so what do i have? it kind of sucks.

the reason that i am thinking about this may be that i am a pessimist. i always thought that i might be a ‘realist’ but i guess thinking lately and having it lead to negative thoughts all the time proved my point.

having a date for prom/first boyfriend in highschool. i have a feeling that this is not going to happen. a high percentage? why? because i’m not a girl that guys would that the time out of their life to think about. i think of guys they don’t towards me, well atleast the ones that i might have feelings towards anyways. maybe i don’t give those guys a chance, but there is a reason that i just don’t feel it. i can’t force myself to. i was the grade 12’s prom last night to help out and it made me realized that prom would be so much better with a date. people came in pairssat together, danced together. it was adorable. and then i think of me. shitty.

be happy with my body sometime in my life. there are so much imperfections. i try, i’m not trying hard enough. i’ve been telling myself to work out since grade 8. three years later the only thing that has changed is that i gained an extra 15 lbs and became a blob. also living in a family where complained about me being too big so is so common doesnt make it any better. i have no motivation. i try sports, but i’m not good enough. when will this goal happen?

get good enough mark to get an interview to waterloo university/get into waterloo. basically i’m too dumb to get in. i’m lazy. but if i take that away and if i still work my butt off and try my hardest i never get the mark that i want. what happened since grade 8? i was smart, now what? my goal is to get an 88 average next year just to be safe. but how am i suppose to get that average? i’m dumb as fuck. how am i suppose to get even a simple interview. i’m going to get into a second rated university where i will not be happy with, then what?

get a  decent salary. a few weeks ago someone from conestoga talked to us about our career paths about the architectural world. he was telling us that there are other jobs in the building industy other than being architect. the way he said it, it seems like he was trying to push us away from it. saying that architects don’t even make that much money. great i turned away from fashion design and being an artist when i was young because i know that if you are not on top of the game you will not make a good salary, and now i have to add architecture to my list? he said that some architects make less than a truck driver. would that be me?

get married to someone i love. that is my worse night mare. what if i’m the type of person to marry someone just the ‘marry someone’ would i be that desperate? i want a life like the other married couples where the reason they are married is because they truely adore one another. that’s what i want, what if i never the the chance?

be successful in life. refer to above.

i’m wait for something in my life to happen to show me that it will all be worth it.  i’m ready and is prepare for the nasties to happen. but if it is the nasties that are going to happen to me in life, honestly what is there to live for?


One response to “Waiting.

  1. I hated my high school years, which caused me to go into serious depression. Mainly for the unknowns and fears that you just mentioned. After reading this I felt like I was and still am not alone. I’m no longer in high school..3rd year university. And I still have all these questions and fears about the future. Even though I have these thoughts at the back of my head, I’ve come to realize that that’s life for you. You will never know, nobody ever knows how their life will turn out.

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