Behind the mask.

I feel ugly without makeup. this has gotten worse over time, but there really isn’t anything I can do about it. i feel that over time i have worn less makeup on a regular basis. this summer my makeup for a regular day for summer school has been liner on the top blended with black shadow, no mascara etc. but while it looks like that since i’m wearing less, maybe im more confident in myself. no, it’s not that. i go on during the day trying not to look at the mirror, and when i do i shudder at the look of my face. i simply don’t have the time to try everyday.

When I do wear makeup, the more steps I put into the final product, in this case, my face. the better i feel. i play with makeup from now and then, and i feel more attractive when i wear my false lashes, and the eyeliner, etc. recently i discovered the magic of face makeup. i tried contouring my face, and may i say the result is amazing.

though i know all these skills to work on in my face, i don’t think i would do it on a regular basis. i think a wise friend told me this, or maybe it was just a realization. if you do your makeup at full max everyday, how are you going to ‘wow’ people when you need to for a special event. and if you have a thick layer of makeup everyday, concealing you’re natural ‘beauty’ (or not), you are going to be hacking ugly when people see you raw and untouched. it’s possible to give people heart attacks and reality checks when that happens.

makeup. one of the many things my life depends on.

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New friend. Friends.

i have not made a new friend since grade 10. yes i have met people over the course of that time till now, but they have only become acquaintances.

i’m so happy, it’s someone new in my life. it’s someone new that i am able to tell things to and have things to be told to me. it has always been a difficult thing for me to meet someone and be comfortable with them. without the awkward silences and self conciousness. i could be myself and not have to try my hardest to impress this person. i just hope our friendship will last.

this is just the start, this is another stepping stone for me for the future. i will have to do it again when i go off to university. by knowing that i was able to make a new friend that actually count it makes me feel that i will be able to do it again.

for the longest time i was afraid that having the friends that i have now was just luck. it was luck that i became friends with these amazing people, and it is their choice that they want to be friends with me. meaning that they can drop me whenever they want. but honestly, if they do decide to randomly drop me, it is possible. it’s their choice, i don’t take them for granted. i see them as people that were sent down to me to be in my life.

Easy.

i no longer feel the need to share education information with people. by education knowledge i meant my status in classes, my marks, the work, anything that deals with school. all i feel is important is that people only need to know what classes im taking. they have no need to know my workload, my marks the difficulty. there is no point.

you tell people your work load. when ever people tell people, it is either they are complaining there is too much or there is not enough and they are proud. when ever i tell people how much workload i have, i feel that i am only asking to get praise and sympathy. ‘awe well that sucks.’ i don’t need that. when people tell me about their massive work load, i feel bad for them. oppositely speaking when i share that i don’t have enough work, i know that people are going to be jealous. and in previous occasions, they get mad and don’t want to hear about me work. this accounts for difficulty too.

i grew up hating sharing my marks. when i was young it was because i had good marks. when ever kids in my class find out my mark, they would get mad at mean and tease me. it got to a point where they would tease me and called me names. it is a different story now. i explained earlier in a blog that i feel that i cannot share my average without feeling that my friends may be thinking a don’t deserve it. i don’t choose to take the courses i take, and that it just so happens to be courses that i enjoy, or that is consider less hard. when asked what my mark is, i hesitate to answer, because i know the look on people’s faces. first they are proud of me, then they rethink it and realize my classes. i don’t like comparing marks with my friends, i don’t like knowing that i have higher or lower mark than them. maybe i’m selfish, but i don’t feel marks matter in a friendship. either i make them feel bad or they make me feel bad. neither do i like telling people my mark so they can say they are smarter than me. then i start not wanting to tell people my mark and they try bugging it out of me. someone told me that by doing so makes it look like i praise my mark so much that i want to keep it a secret.

i started summer school three weeks ago. and to my luck my teach doesn’t feel the need to go over the course expectation. she gives us the work that is expected and i really enjoy this class. alot of people i know that signed up for the same course got into different classes than me. they get more work, their teacher is tougher and they complain. they talk to each other about the work they get and the amount of essays that must be completed. at first i just joked about my leaneant class they got mad at my so i stopped. i just stopped and listened when they talked and only talked about my class when asked. when i do say stuff about my class and tell them about my work when asked, they once again tell me to shut up. i feel that i am below them again. this time i never had a choice. i didn’t choose to be in this class. we signed up for the same thing and i was still able to feel their superiority above me. it got to a point where asked for assistance and opinion for my essay which was put together in a essay outline that the teacher provided. i felt hurt and angry when she said ‘wtf you get a essay outline? what are you in grade 9, we’re in grade 12.’ i was hurt that someone that i trusted that i thought i can get an opinion from would say something like that. i snatched the paper out of her hand and didn’t talk for the whole bus ride home. i thought about that all night. i guess that was her opinion. so i guess i shouldn’t have gotten mad. it was then that i decided that i will try not to talk about my classes with people anymore. this way i will not feel self concious when that subjects comes up. because i won’t have to care about what people will think. that’s it. that’s my new ‘resolution’ for this new school year. i will not need to know about other’s marks. and neither do they need to know mine.

i think i will always feel this. i will always feel like the dumb one that has it easy. and the only reason i have the marks i have is because of that.

Deep.

i was writing a message to my friend on facebook, and i ended up pouring my heart out at almost 3 am.

on a saturday night. i watched two eppis of skins, ate french toast and kd at 12. now im creeping through myspace, and looking through asians.
and now im listening to lenka. and people are prob just home now crashing in their bed after a party like that one ^
can’t really complain though, i like staying home. kinda. there’spart of me that i remember back in grade 8 where i would think, i’m going to party like the kids on tv when i hit highschool. thinking that i owuld be different, i would actually go out and party and have fun and be less anti social. but i’m half way through highschool now, more than half. and i’m still the same. i think that’s just the way i am. i don’t dream about partying, and getting shit faced. i unno why im typing so much now.just a current though before i head to bed.

i wouldnt really change it, its the person i have became, i’m not a party animal. i can’t say for the future, but knowing me now. it can leading to two things.scenario one. i will continue the life style i have now, only because i have been used to it for the past four years. scenario two. i would let the freedom get to my head and be come a total booze head / alcoholic during my first year. there are pros and cons for both of them. but by choosing one and lay it ou for the future, would give me the pressure to follow it and feel the guilt when i contradict myself.

good night ds. i’m finally going now.

reading over the top, i use to think and still do, that the reason that i don’t go out and party liike the other kids is because i choose not to, but in reality now that i think of it. i dont get invited. i am not a person people would think ‘hey let’s invite so and so’ I’m simply not out there enough and people don’t think of me as more then a face in the hall way and ‘someone’ in their class. is this a result of me not having enough friends? i always see people that have friends in groups of 10. and apparently they are all ‘close? and theres me, you and semen bascially makes up the group for me. and  stanley and swiss chalet. they’re up there. and then theres people taht i occasionally hangout with (neighbour, for example) what do i consider them? i think they are between friend and acquaintances. i wouldnt tell them stuff, maybe i do but i wouldnt call them while im taking a shit like i do to you and vice versa. so in reality, i have two good friends, 4 friends tops. am i being to picky? we talked about this before, how i find it hard to hang out with people outside that circle? especially alone. but when i’m on facebook i see people hangout with everyone. obviously i don’t have the same mentality as them. is it me or them. am i not open enough? i try, but people don’t feel the need to get to know me. is it me again? do i not give out that vibe? its amazing seeing how people have developed friendship with people.and in this case im talking about those that does it with a shit load of people. does me growing up and being influenced by my parents into being one that doesn’t go out have effect on how my interaction skills are? i don’t understand why i am asking it. it’s a straightforward question.

what makes a person ‘likable’? what attracts people to certain people and getting tight with them. i remember being a summer camp when i was younger, there was always the group of pretty girls that hung out together. they didnt know each other. but they hit it off right away. what attracted them to each other. is it the fact that they are pretty? does being attractive have anything to do with how people see them. does it give them a invisible sign that says ‘i’m pretty come talk to me.’ i was always the one that sat alone. i sat with the average kids. it wasnt as fun as the pretty kids would make summer camp. does being attractive shape you as a person. ive seen that it can make people love themselves and is arrogant and etc. but does it make them more out going and confident? if i was taller, with bigger boobs and skinnier, i think i would be more confident too. would that have an effect on how people would see me? the pretty people always seem to get the best attention out of people. i think its a social ice breaker, when two attractive people meet, they have a mental bond immediately.

now that i have started my social life, i will never be able to give people the impression that i want. i cant change my personality to be more likable and make it easier to make friends. i don’t have the experience the other people has collect through the whole life. i can’t make friends. while it is a hobby for some people, its a job for me, a job where i find difficulty in doing. you’re so lucky that you have a natural charm that people seem to be attracted to.

i’m starting to write this as a blog now. so i guess i might as well post it too.

night..

***Please note that names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals

Shockers number 2.

i put my head into my arms and exclaim, “NO!” in dissapointment.

once again, i have came upon another realization. previously i have discovered about the difference between the england flag and the united kingdom flag. i knew that there were three parts to great britain, but since the previous discovery i thought the three regions were england, scotland and IRELAND. eff my life. AGAIN. IT’S WALES! NOT IRELAND! what am i doing with my life, how can i be so ignorant with these kinds of information. i always wondered how the flag or ireland (orange, white, green vertical stripes) can be within the united kingdom flag.

okay forget everything i just said up there. i was right ( well kinda) its upper ireland. this isnt another shocker post, i just jumped to conclusion way to quickly. what a bummer.

Summer School.

summer school started today.

it started off with me being excited, and making plans on where i would sit with my best friend. then it all went down hill when we saw what class we were assigned to. well so i thought.

turns out all the people i know from my school that are taking grade 12U english are all together, while i’m in the odd girl out in my class. there is only one girl that i go to school with that i’ve kind of talked to at school. but that was as low as my day got, like i said it was not as bad as i thought it was going to be. my teacher turns out to be a total sweet heart with a sense of humour and understands us young’uns. we spent the first two blocks of learning time writing an essay stating if we were extrovert or introvert. after that we got into partners and introduced each other to the class based on the essay. needless to say, none of that counted as marks. it was funny what some people said in the essays and the introductions. i could tell right away that this was going to be a fun class. later on we started reading ‘life of pi’ and that ended the day. time went by fast can’t complain.

at first i envied the other kids because they knew all the people in their class. but as they started explaining the work they have done, and the essays (emphasis on the ‘s’) they have due at the end of the week, i am thankful for the class i was put in. i am no longer jealous of them, it’s the other way around now. well for some people that have admitted it anyways, i can’t be speaking for all people.

im actually excited for summer school 🙂

ps. what made my day the most is reading on the course outline that we are going to read MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM. i love love love that! and i cannot wait!