Deep.

i was writing a message to my friend on facebook, and i ended up pouring my heart out at almost 3 am.

on a saturday night. i watched two eppis of skins, ate french toast and kd at 12. now im creeping through myspace, and looking through asians.
and now im listening to lenka. and people are prob just home now crashing in their bed after a party like that one ^
can’t really complain though, i like staying home. kinda. there’spart of me that i remember back in grade 8 where i would think, i’m going to party like the kids on tv when i hit highschool. thinking that i owuld be different, i would actually go out and party and have fun and be less anti social. but i’m half way through highschool now, more than half. and i’m still the same. i think that’s just the way i am. i don’t dream about partying, and getting shit faced. i unno why im typing so much now.just a current though before i head to bed.

i wouldnt really change it, its the person i have became, i’m not a party animal. i can’t say for the future, but knowing me now. it can leading to two things.scenario one. i will continue the life style i have now, only because i have been used to it for the past four years. scenario two. i would let the freedom get to my head and be come a total booze head / alcoholic during my first year. there are pros and cons for both of them. but by choosing one and lay it ou for the future, would give me the pressure to follow it and feel the guilt when i contradict myself.

good night ds. i’m finally going now.

reading over the top, i use to think and still do, that the reason that i don’t go out and party liike the other kids is because i choose not to, but in reality now that i think of it. i dont get invited. i am not a person people would think ‘hey let’s invite so and so’ I’m simply not out there enough and people don’t think of me as more then a face in the hall way and ‘someone’ in their class. is this a result of me not having enough friends? i always see people that have friends in groups of 10. and apparently they are all ‘close? and theres me, you and semen bascially makes up the group for me. and  stanley and swiss chalet. they’re up there. and then theres people taht i occasionally hangout with (neighbour, for example) what do i consider them? i think they are between friend and acquaintances. i wouldnt tell them stuff, maybe i do but i wouldnt call them while im taking a shit like i do to you and vice versa. so in reality, i have two good friends, 4 friends tops. am i being to picky? we talked about this before, how i find it hard to hang out with people outside that circle? especially alone. but when i’m on facebook i see people hangout with everyone. obviously i don’t have the same mentality as them. is it me or them. am i not open enough? i try, but people don’t feel the need to get to know me. is it me again? do i not give out that vibe? its amazing seeing how people have developed friendship with people.and in this case im talking about those that does it with a shit load of people. does me growing up and being influenced by my parents into being one that doesn’t go out have effect on how my interaction skills are? i don’t understand why i am asking it. it’s a straightforward question.

what makes a person ‘likable’? what attracts people to certain people and getting tight with them. i remember being a summer camp when i was younger, there was always the group of pretty girls that hung out together. they didnt know each other. but they hit it off right away. what attracted them to each other. is it the fact that they are pretty? does being attractive have anything to do with how people see them. does it give them a invisible sign that says ‘i’m pretty come talk to me.’ i was always the one that sat alone. i sat with the average kids. it wasnt as fun as the pretty kids would make summer camp. does being attractive shape you as a person. ive seen that it can make people love themselves and is arrogant and etc. but does it make them more out going and confident? if i was taller, with bigger boobs and skinnier, i think i would be more confident too. would that have an effect on how people would see me? the pretty people always seem to get the best attention out of people. i think its a social ice breaker, when two attractive people meet, they have a mental bond immediately.

now that i have started my social life, i will never be able to give people the impression that i want. i cant change my personality to be more likable and make it easier to make friends. i don’t have the experience the other people has collect through the whole life. i can’t make friends. while it is a hobby for some people, its a job for me, a job where i find difficulty in doing. you’re so lucky that you have a natural charm that people seem to be attracted to.

i’m starting to write this as a blog now. so i guess i might as well post it too.

night..

***Please note that names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals
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