i no longer feel the need to share education information with people. by education knowledge i meant my status in classes, my marks, the work, anything that deals with school. all i feel is important is that people only need to know what classes im taking. they have no need to know my workload, my marks the difficulty. there is no point.
you tell people your work load. when ever people tell people, it is either they are complaining there is too much or there is not enough and they are proud. when ever i tell people how much workload i have, i feel that i am only asking to get praise and sympathy. ‘awe well that sucks.’ i don’t need that. when people tell me about their massive work load, i feel bad for them. oppositely speaking when i share that i don’t have enough work, i know that people are going to be jealous. and in previous occasions, they get mad and don’t want to hear about me work. this accounts for difficulty too.
i grew up hating sharing my marks. when i was young it was because i had good marks. when ever kids in my class find out my mark, they would get mad at mean and tease me. it got to a point where they would tease me and called me names. it is a different story now. i explained earlier in a blog that i feel that i cannot share my average without feeling that my friends may be thinking a don’t deserve it. i don’t choose to take the courses i take, and that it just so happens to be courses that i enjoy, or that is consider less hard. when asked what my mark is, i hesitate to answer, because i know the look on people’s faces. first they are proud of me, then they rethink it and realize my classes. i don’t like comparing marks with my friends, i don’t like knowing that i have higher or lower mark than them. maybe i’m selfish, but i don’t feel marks matter in a friendship. either i make them feel bad or they make me feel bad. neither do i like telling people my mark so they can say they are smarter than me. then i start not wanting to tell people my mark and they try bugging it out of me. someone told me that by doing so makes it look like i praise my mark so much that i want to keep it a secret.
i started summer school three weeks ago. and to my luck my teach doesn’t feel the need to go over the course expectation. she gives us the work that is expected and i really enjoy this class. alot of people i know that signed up for the same course got into different classes than me. they get more work, their teacher is tougher and they complain. they talk to each other about the work they get and the amount of essays that must be completed. at first i just joked about my leaneant class they got mad at my so i stopped. i just stopped and listened when they talked and only talked about my class when asked. when i do say stuff about my class and tell them about my work when asked, they once again tell me to shut up. i feel that i am below them again. this time i never had a choice. i didn’t choose to be in this class. we signed up for the same thing and i was still able to feel their superiority above me. it got to a point where asked for assistance and opinion for my essay which was put together in a essay outline that the teacher provided. i felt hurt and angry when she said ‘wtf you get a essay outline? what are you in grade 9, we’re in grade 12.’ i was hurt that someone that i trusted that i thought i can get an opinion from would say something like that. i snatched the paper out of her hand and didn’t talk for the whole bus ride home. i thought about that all night. i guess that was her opinion. so i guess i shouldn’t have gotten mad. it was then that i decided that i will try not to talk about my classes with people anymore. this way i will not feel self concious when that subjects comes up. because i won’t have to care about what people will think. that’s it. that’s my new ‘resolution’ for this new school year. i will not need to know about other’s marks. and neither do they need to know mine.
i think i will always feel this. i will always feel like the dumb one that has it easy. and the only reason i have the marks i have is because of that.