I’m seventeen years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I see people around have boyfriends. The beautiful, the ugly. The nice, the mean. Am I really that average that I’m never up to anyone’s standards?
In grade eight, I told myself that it was going to be different, I will have my first boyfriend in my highschool years and it would be amazing. I’m in my last year of highschool now, and I haven’t had anything close to a relationship. Maybe I’m not putting in enough effort. Of course having a boyfriend is not top priority for me, it’s just something that comes along. But I want to know what it feels like to have someone there, that I can act carefree and have intimate moments with. That sounds totally corny, but cuddling isn’t a bad thing. Too bad it’s not like I can do it with my friends.
I know that I will have no chance to have my grade eight dreams come true in the months to come. I already know all the guys at my school, there isn’t anyone new for me to get used to. I also don’t have much opportunity to meet new guys from different schools etc. All I can hope now is to maybe have my first boyfriend in university. Honestly though, there has to be something within me that is happening that is making my undatable in the past few years. I can’t just blame everything on others.
I can’t really say that I didn’t have my chances, but it just never felt right. When I am the least bit interested and flattered from the attention someone gives me, it turns out that the person sees me as a sex object hoping to get action. Then when I really like someone so much, the person doesn’t have the same feelings back. And most recently, I thought I liked someone, but I just didn’t want to be the one trying to make the awkwardness less awkward between us two.
Am I being too picky? There are so many girls that are able to get into nice healthy relationships with people that likes them back, and sometimes it’s just naturally easy for them.
I don’t want to be the girl that guys just think of me as a mere friend. Maybe I’m not reaching out enough, stopping every time at a point where I just shut down from further connection. I know I’m still young, but what if this doesn’t change and it lasts for the years coming. Obviously I won’t know how to handle relationships when I finally get into one, would that make me that less attractive? Oh boy, this is going to be a long next few years.