Going to die alone.

I’m seventeen years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I see people around have boyfriends. The beautiful, the ugly. The nice, the mean. Am I really that average that I’m never up to anyone’s standards?

In grade eight, I told myself that it was going to be different, I will have my first boyfriend in my highschool years and it would be amazing. I’m in my last year of highschool now, and I haven’t had anything close to a relationship. Maybe I’m not putting in enough effort. Of course having a boyfriend is not top priority for me, it’s just something that comes along. But I want to know what it feels like to have someone there, that I can act carefree and have intimate moments with. That sounds totally corny, but cuddling isn’t a bad thing. Too bad it’s not like I can do it with my friends.

I know that I will have no chance to have my grade eight dreams come true in the months to come. I already know all the guys at my school, there isn’t anyone new for me to get used to. I also don’t have much opportunity to meet new guys from different schools etc. All I can hope now is to maybe have my first boyfriend in university. Honestly though, there has to be something within me that is happening that is making my undatable in the past few years. I can’t just blame everything on others.

I can’t really say that I didn’t have my chances, but it just never felt right. When I am the least bit interested and flattered from the attention someone gives me, it turns out that the person sees me as a sex object hoping to get action. Then when I really like someone so much, the person doesn’t have the same feelings back. And most recently, I thought I liked someone, but I just didn’t want to be the one trying to make the awkwardness less awkward between us two.

Am I being too picky? There are so many girls that are able to get into nice healthy relationships with people that likes them back, and sometimes it’s just naturally easy for them.

I don’t want to be the girl that guys just think of me as aĀ  mere friend. Maybe I’m not reaching out enough, stopping every time at a point where I just shut down from further connection. I know I’m still young, but what if this doesn’t change and it lasts for the years coming. Obviously I won’t know how to handle relationships when I finally get into one, would that make me that less attractive? Oh boy, this is going to be a long next few years.

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3 responses to “Going to die alone.

  1. It sounds to me like you’ve got great dating standards and that you’re looking for the right things in a relationship. And don’t worry at all about not finding anyone yet. You will. Or he’ll find you. šŸ™‚

  2. Seriously, you are being too hard on yourself. I was probably guilty of the same thing you are when I was your age. I was looking for the perfect person and I would not settle for anything less. Afterall, it WOULD be my first boyfriend. But, ultimately, I end up doing ok at age 22! So no worries. Plus, the guys would have matured up by then.

  3. I know how you feel, I’ve been 17 too once and I’m glad it’s over because of these questions and uncertainties šŸ™‚
    My advice is to just relax, stop searching and maybe you’ll notice someone who has been there for you all along. Now I’m not saying go harass you guy friends, but don’t necessarily be searching for someone new as there is always a change as faint as it might be, that there’s someone admiring you from behind the scenes šŸ™‚
    If you’re constantly searching, you may overlook the obvious, you may be tempted to say no to someone, either new or old, who would be right for you only because you are impatient and along the way you’ve set up boundaries not even Prince Charming could live up to.
    If you just relax, it will happen on it’s own. And it’s definitely going to be magical when it does. (I almost felt like giving you advice on making love for the first time with this last sentence… not intended, but useful phrase for that too) šŸ˜‰

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