So for the past while I’ve really down on myself. I’ve been so kinda super self concious about myself. I don’t feel that I look good enough to take pictures, I dread getting into pictures because I know I just won’t look good in them. I always wonder, how do I look compare to my pictures. Some people look better in real life than in pictures, but some people look totally attractive in photos because of their ‘angles’ and look not as good in real life. Where do I sit? I think I look alright in the mirror when I look at myself, but I look at myself at angles of which I look skinnier or prettier. But then I would see pictures of me or videos of me doing regular everyday things, not paying attention to the camera, just not trying to be flattering and I look disgusting gross. This has dawn in my mind for the longest time. I don’t even care anymore, really. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t even put that much makeup on out anymore because no matter how hard I try to look good, I would still be ugly when I take it off. And the fact that that the more makeup I put on the greater the contrast that I will see. It doesn’t matter how much time I put into it, I still end up looking like shit in pictures, and that’s all really matters to me, because that is the only time that I can actually see what I look like.
It’s also sad to think that the only time I feel pretty is when I photoshop my pictures. I don’t do it anymore because I know I can’t temper with reality. But back then a few years ago, I will always play with my photos before I would upload them onto facebook. If I looked too fat, I would fix that. If my left eye looked retarded, I would make it bigger. It’s really upsetting that I’ve been lying to others like that. Pictures are deceiving. I admit it, I photoshop my pictures to make myself look better. I hate it, but it really is the only time that I truly feel pretty, even though it really isn’t all me.
I don’t even think that it’s a vanity issue that I have. Let’s face it, I’m not vain at all. I think my problem is that I don’t feel I’m pretty at all. There are all these flaws that I see physically that is hindering me in my quest for the opposite sex. I’m not looking now, but subconciously, I’m always afraid that I won’t be able to find someone in the future. And even if I do, whose the poor sucker that only wants me for my personality. If you don’t love yourself as you are, how are others suppose to love you? I really don’t know.
I thought I was over this phase, even my friend told me that I’m now more confident, but now I’m back. I don’t feel confident in myself at all. I feel ugly, I feel fat, I feel awful about myself. Nothing is right, nothing on me makes me happy. The flaws keep me from feeling beautiful, and that is all women ever want. To feel beautiful. To be beautiful and to have someone special to acknowledge that. Maybe that’s also the problem. I have no one special there to acknowledge what I don’t ever feel. Someone told me that when you have someone there, you feel on top of the world. That has yet to happen. I see it all around me, and I envy it.
I’m done feeling bad for myself, I always will but I just have to accept the fact. I’m stuck like this so Take me as I am.