Pathetic.

I don’t like New Years Eve all the much. The fact that while everyone is out and about having fun socializing with each other and counting down with each other, I’m stuck at home. When I think New Year’s Eve, I think working and smelling like Chinese food. Y’see New Years is a busy time for restaurants, and that means the restaurant of which my mum works at, calls me in. Today I asked my mum when I would not have to be called in to work, knowing that even if I’m off the university I would be home for the winter holidays, she said as long as she’s working there and I’m home, I’ll have to go. There goes the rest of my New Years yet-to-come. Okay, I’m sure alot of other people work on the lovely day too and goes home shower and then go out. I don’t have a place to go out to most of the time. I don’t get invited, I don’t get told of a place to go. So I’m always stuck home wondering what kind of hilarious shit is going down at the party next door. That’s what you get for being a loser. It’s not like my family is super into the whole Time Square ball drop count down either. It’s just like any other night except they get to earn a couple extra bucks.

I’m off the shower now, after hoping that someone might have thought enough to maybe invite me to something last minute because they actually wanted me there. No such luck.

So I guess until the day where I can experience this wondrous New Years feeling everyone else experiences, I can’t really say I exactly love this annual digit change in our year.

Advertisements

Self Concious.

So for the past while I’ve really down on myself. I’ve been so kinda super self concious about myself. I don’t feel that I look good enough to take pictures, I dread getting into pictures because I know I just won’t look good in them. I always wonder, how do I look compare to my pictures. Some people look better in real life than in pictures, but some people look totally attractive in photos because of their ‘angles’ and look not as good in real life. Where do I sit? I think I look alright in the mirror when I look at myself, but I look at myself at angles of which I look skinnier or prettier. But then I would see pictures of me or videos of me doing regular everyday things, not paying attention to the camera, just not trying to be flattering and I look disgusting gross. This has dawn in my mind for the longest time. I don’t even care anymore, really. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t even put that much makeup on out anymore because no matter how hard I try to look good, I would still be ugly when I take it off. And the fact that that the more makeup I put on the greater the contrast that I will see. It doesn’t matter how much time I put into it, I still end up looking like shit in pictures, and that’s all really matters to me, because that is the only time that I can actually see what I look like.

It’s also sad to think that the only time I feel pretty is when I photoshop my pictures. I don’t do it anymore because I know I can’t temper with reality. But back then a few years ago, I will always play with my photos before I would upload them onto facebook. If I looked too fat, I would fix that. If my left eye looked retarded, I would make it bigger. It’s really upsetting that I’ve been lying to others like that. Pictures are deceiving. I admit it, I photoshop my pictures to make myself look better. I hate it, but it really is the only time that I truly feel pretty, even though it really isn’t all me.

I don’t even think that it’s a vanity issue that I have. Let’s face it, I’m not vain at all. I think my problem is that I don’t feel I’m pretty at all. There are all these flaws that I see physically that is hindering me in my quest for the opposite sex. I’m not looking now, but subconciously, I’m always afraid that I won’t be able to find someone in the future. And even if I do, whose the poor sucker that only wants me for my personality. If you don’t love yourself as you are, how are others suppose to love you? I really don’t know.

I thought I was over this phase, even my friend told me that I’m now more confident, but now I’m back. I don’t feel confident in myself at all. I feel ugly, I feel fat, I feel awful about myself. Nothing is right, nothing on me makes me happy. The flaws keep me from feeling beautiful, and that is all women ever want. To feel beautiful. To be beautiful and to have someone special to acknowledge that. Maybe that’s also the problem. I have no one special there to acknowledge what I don’t ever feel. Someone told me that when you have someone there, you feel on top of the world. That has yet to happen. I see it all around me, and I envy it.

I’m done feeling bad for myself, I always will but I just have to accept the fact. I’m stuck like this so Take me as I am.

Observe.

I’m a girl so I’m most likely to be comparing myself to other girls. Be it looks, personality or popularity, it’s always going to happen. I’m not sure why though, I may act like I don’t care about other people, I actually do. But to be honest the girls that I size up or down most are other asians. I don’t know why, it’s just that when I compare my self to other asian girls it makes me feel like I am comparable to them. I don’t get the same feeling with caucasian girls or darker skin girls. It’s so weird. I just don’t feel that I can compare myself to them physically as, let’s face it, we are exteriorly different. I creep how other asian girls do their make up, as maybe I too can look good like them. Sad fact: I would go to myspace and click on emo/scene asian girls and I wonder to myself, how are they able to pull off that look while I can’t. Or I would see other asian girls out and wonder to myself, how are they able to hold them selves up so highly while I’m down in the slums with my self confidence. Another example is that when I see other asian girls in all these weekend party pictures, I wonder to myself, how are they allowed? Aren’t their parents asian? Shouldn’t they be strict? The whole stereotype really sticks with me.This is not to sound racist but I just can’t do the same for non asians. They are on a whole different level in my eyes where I am not able to compare myself to them. Not different level as in they are higher, but I myself are nothing like them, beauty wise, or socially wise. It’s quite sad actually.

Eh eh! Hot boys please.

I don’t know how I actually feel about this. I really don’t care about the hits that my blog gets, it’s just another number that I can look at. Sometimes it makes me smile when I get those extra hits, but when I don’t I just move on. But when I check my daily stats and see that the search engine terms that people use to come to my blog consist of ‘Hottest underage boys’ or ‘Mat Gordon hot’ (this one is actually most often, daily almost)  it really makes me wonder. Obviously their intentions of explore/searching for blogs is not to see my blog, my blog is so irrevant to what they are looking for. It also makes me think, wow the popularity of the guy/guys. It is quite impressive. The fact that people search your name plus the chances of them coming across my blog of nothingness. What are the chances? I wonder where I would end up if I search my name… Yeah just checked. Boring.

Speaking of boring, that is what my physics readings are like. It’s like looking at wall paper, except the fact that I have to remember useless stuff.

Snoozeland.

People never just ‘fall’ asleep, well unless you have been going 5 days straight without sleep, I guess you can. But when people say that they just ‘accidentally’ fell asleep when they are doing homework or watching tv, I beg to differ with their use of accidentally. People don’t just fall asleep, they don’t suddenly hit their head to their hands, or the table. Falling asleep is a conscious decision and the person chooses to do. It is a conscious decision to close their eyes for that one second and not to open them, enjoying the greatness of closing your eyes, and eventually drift off to dream land. It is also a person’s conscious decision to rest their head on the arms to rest their eyes. The person always made the choice to put them self in the possibility of falling asleep.

My part.

I just finished watching the movie ‘The Cove’ and my heart has been aching ever since. What I saw felt like it can’t be real, that it must be computer generated. But it’s not. All the killing, blood, interaction was all real.It’s just hard to imagine such horror in a society we are in today.

Basically the people of Taiji, Japan are mass slaughtering dolphins everyday. To a point where the water are the killing point is such in the picture to the left. Why hasn’t the world addressed this issue yet? Or even the rest of the people in Japan? They don’t know, a media coverage. Now that I think of it, this is just like the whole holocaust thing, where the rest of Germany and the world did not know about the horror that was happening in the concentration camps. This is similar in so many ways, if not exactly the same. The victim does not have the choice to choose their fate, the fishermen killing them knows it’s morally wrong but does not stop, and that this is not a instant death, it is suffering. There was one scene where a dolphin would be swimming trying to escape, with a trail of blood following it until it died.

Though I care mainly for the dolphins in this crisis, I think it’s wrong that the people of Japan are tricked into eating the dolphin meat. Dolphin meat is filled with mercury, the government knows about this, but still allow people to mistakenly eat it. Mercury poisoning is very seriously and can do some horrible damage. Not only are the innocent dolphin suffering, but so are the innocent people that has no part in this murder.

23,000 Dolphins are slaughtered every year at this point, at this rate I can safely say that sooner or later there will be no more dolphins. Action has to be taken, this is my part of the contribution, trying to spread awareness. This horror needs to stop and only us the people can make it happen. Please help!

http://www.takepart.com/thecove

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/724210624

Or just watch the move yourself to see what is really happening first hand.

Really?

I’m overly stressed at the moment, I have a Grade 3 Music History exam coming up this Friday. I’m screwed. Can it be because for the past 6 months that I should have been learning and preparing for the exam but I end up not doing it be the cause of this dilema? I would think so. But really, who would ever want to study for the lives and music of composers that has died hundreds of years ago? Yeah sweet we learned about what influenced them to write the music that they did, but how does that affect us? To know it or not? Will I really need this for the future? Would anyone need it? Why can’t they just keep this information in  books, that way they won’t have to worry about the history ever being lost through time.