Fun.

I don’t usually write about things that happen during my days, but I felt that it was kind of interesting compared to the my regular life. Good weekend this was. It is an amazing way to finish off my semester and to start the new semester.

Day 1 : I woke up early Friday morning to get a ride to my cousin’s (let’s call her e) university for the weekend. We had breakfast, this was the moment when I was first amused by the amazingness of university. The commons was like a mini mall food court, they had everything. The best part was that my cousin paid for my food with her amazing uni card. Around noon when her friend ( and we’ll call her s )got off class, we took the bus to Toronto for some shopping. It was fun, but it was cold as heck. We walked so much in and outside the mall. We came home around 7ish. We ate the amazing food from the commons again. We got back to the room, and we had a few people over and I watched them play vodka pong ( apparently this is called casual drinking) . I got offered for a shot, but what’s the point when you’re not going to get drunk. We slept early because I was up early that day.

Day 2 : I woke up, showered and just sat there as the roomates slept. I thought it was later on in the morning, but it was on 9, eff my life. Got food, and walked 20 mins to go to this amazing grocery store. Me and e got juice, icing and beer cups. We got back to s’s room and made cupcakes. I’ve never made cupcake before, and the icing was delicious. We had fun decorating the cupcakes and I had fun playing with s’s nerf gun, that basically became my favourite toy of life. After we finished, i went to the atm machine and took out some money for the alch store. The plan that night was to hangout in e’s room and just drink. Personally I thought it was kind of lame just sitting in her room with some people and just drinking. I thought it was going to better than that. S then suggested that we go to the university bar that was on campus. The only problem was that I was neither 19 or did I go to the university. We were desperate for ways to get in. At a point we thought of getting another asian girl’s school id. That was rejected. We all got ready for 10 and thought that maybe if we go early enough that they will not check id. Well we got there, and surveyed the surroundings. If plan A didn’t work, they would get in and sneak out in though the back. I didn’t get to go in, the bouncers were lame, so plan B was on. I was so scared, I waited outside in the cold. Not only did I not have a coat, I was in clubbing attire. There was a bouncer guarding the stairs that leads down to the back, so this was where all my hopes were lost. I just stood there talking to s on the phone. They came up and was like ‘ Are you coming in?’ We ended paying the bouncer $15 to let me in and he gave me bracelet that allows me drink. He was nice. Apparently, he was about to call me over anyways to see if I wanted to get in. I wanted to hug him. We got in and I was now 19 years old. It feels good to be served. It was great, there were cute university guys everywhere, and I just watch them. Let’s just say this was better than just drinking in the dorm. I became best friends with this one bathroom stall as I kept needing to use the washroom. Dancing was fun, at a moment I was annoyed that there was no one dancing with me. Speak of the devil, someone came behind me. Being under the influence, it got pretty bad. I made out with a total stranger. Bad. E and s dragged me to leave soon after and we walked back.  We ran around the dorms abit and went to this guys room and I did some stupid things, i put a slice of pizza on someone’s drawer… Good night.

Day 3 : I woke up, and showered. I found this weird hives, scratches on my shin. Same place on both legs. It was weird. I swear it was not my boots, but they are not high enough. Weird. After s and e woke up we talked about the night before. I nevered laughed so hard in my life. We did the norms and now I’m here.

I think this is the least formal post I’ve ever made, but I just want to post it to remember everything for the future. Please don’t judge me for what you read. What I learned in the past few days: that I am able to make new friends and get alon with new people, that university life is amazing, well the social aspect that is, that money and get you into anything, and that freshman 15 can really happen.

Mad

Being raised by parents that doesn’t speak the mother tongue of our nation’s language has made me hate certain things. I don’t like being the translator between two parties. There has been so many times where I had to translate back and forth. Because in the end, it is me having to know all the vocabulary in both language. It is me that has to tell the sales representatives that their price is not good, that we are cheap and that we won’t pay full price. It is always me that has to be the bearer of bad news of voiding contracts, and telling them that we’re just not interested. I’m also the phone operator of the house. I’ve come to a great disliking of using the phone. I don’t like calling in for troubleshooting, because my parents were not able to install things correctly. I hate calling back 5 minutes later because my parents decide to change their mind, and calling back another 5 minutes later to change it back to their previous thoughts because they are indecisive.

I don’t like having to know about adult troubles that adults have, and having to being stuck in the middle of this language battlefield.

Don’t fucking sign contracts, when you’re going to fucking want to void it. Because I will have to be the fucking bitch to tell that to the nice lady. Don’t make up fucking excuses that mean nothing just so you can use that as the reason to void the contract. Don’t be fucking cheap and not agree to pay the extra 1500 dollars and result in losing a house that we all liked. You’re fucking cheap and is a nasty person that likes to make scenes. I hope to god that this is not an asian trait.

Please mind my random blabbling above, here’s the story:

We are trying to find a house, we went to a real estate place and got themselves a sales representatives. They signed a contract with her for her to represent them when they get a house. This contract from what I know will last six months. (She’s a nice pretty lady) She helped them find houses with their budget and such, and did what a sales rep is paid to do. The other day we saw a house that we liked, they made offers for it. My cheap ass mother decides to make offers below the asked price. By below I mean over 10000 below. After much back and forth with the owner through the rep, someone else got the house by paying the market price. It’s funny really, we all liked the house, it was nicely kept etc. But my mother keeps on insisting that ‘if they really want to sell the house, they’ll take our offer.’ Well fuck that, you’re wrong. Okay that house is out of the hole. We continue looking, while I should have been studying, I was being the caring daughter and looked houses upon houses up on the internet for hours. Yesterday my dad saw a house in the paper, the price and pictures were decent the only thing missing was the location of the house. We called the number listed ( which turned out to be at the same real estate place) She helped us a little, and I explained that another rep from her company is already aiding us. I guess later she told our rep later that we called. The same day, my dad looked at these houses that was about to be built in this new area. He liked what he was seeing and we think that we are going to get a house there. Later that day, our sales rep called us and told us that she heard that we called her coworker and reminded us that if we had any questions we can call her instead, since two reps from the same company cannot work for the same person. And later on she called and talked to me about something about new houses. I thought she was talking about the newer houses that my dad looked at earlier that day that is to be built. I was confused on how she knew and such and so was my dad. Well I think my parents were set on getting the ‘to be built’ houses and felt that they don’t need our sales rep anymore. I called her and told a lie that we don’t need to move anymore, and she told me that it’s okay, and that the contract will last for the next 6 months. And anytime I decide to get a house during the time, we’ll just get her help. I also asked how she knew about the new house we were looking at and it turns out she was talking about the house we called earlier about. Misunderstanding. My dad being the prick he is, yelled at me for not asking for all the information. He was ‘furious’ about the fact that she found out about the ‘to be build’ house, but I explained that it was all a misunderstanding and she was talking about something else. He totally did a 180 and turned this rage to this reason ‘that her coworker told her about us being interested in another house. Some sort of customer confidentiality’ I really don’t see the problem here, they work together, and her coworker just told her that we were interested in something. Is that really some sort of confidentiality issue? Well he told me to call back and was like just void the fucking contract. I did and left a message. She called back and asked why, I told her that he didn’t give a reason, and she said ‘well he can’t just void it just for the heck of it.’ Basically she needs a better reason. I told father dearest that, and he said ‘Well I’m going up there tomorrow, and I’m bring up the confidentiality issue.’ Basically, he’s going to pull a fit and ask the other lady to come out. Turns out his plan includes. I asked later why this is such a big deal and why he has to get rid of our rep. His reason, he has to pay commisiion or something if he gets the house.

So basically all this unreasonably lieing, is to save some dough.

I don’t like being in the middle of things, as you can see from above. I called my mum and explained what is happening crying. I’m so frustrated. Do I really need to stress about house issues? While I should be stressing about my major math and physics exam coming next week? Is this really necessary?

Fuck me.

Wasted.

Duration: 3 hours.

A waste of three hours. You know the feeling where you felt so confident in what you are/were doing, only to later find out that you failed? The whole time I was drawing this, I felt so confide, thinking to myself, ‘Oh wow this really does look like Megan Fox.’ Oh look, the lips look so good.’ It is not till ten minutes after I finished and came back to look at it that I see the errors, the lack of similarity and what I could have done before I finsihed it that would have made it better.

The face is totally in the wrong angle. Yeah it’s looking up, but it’s not tilted it enough. The face needed to be more 3/4 than head on. The nose it too high, and the eyes are too big. And the thing that bugs me the most is the humungus chin and jaw. I knew it should have been smaller, I already made it smaller, but I guess that wasn’t enough.

I guess I’m not that great at recreating, so I’lll look at simply creating from now on. I don’t need to copy other things to be good, I can be good at art by designing and creating.

That drawing does NOT do Megan Fox justice.

Reach farther

I realized just now that my dreams are much farther than I thought it was going to be.

I used to think that I had the natural skills along with the educational background to be what I wanted to be. But I’m far from it. I guess I can’t compare myself to famous architects and university graduates, but some time in the next few years I will have to. Even if I don’t compare myself to these people, others will. Be it teacher, companies, or just peers. They will judge me on my abilities to create and design. I want to try to hard now to get into my dream school. That way I will have the chance to be the architect that I want to be.

I want to do what the big boys do. Hopefully one day I would.

It’s Alive!

It seems as the cold sore which is happily nesting on my bottom lip is alive. This is living proof that it is a alien mutation of non-genitalia herpes.

God bless this new breed of specie and hope to god that it will not take over the world some day.

I wish I can turn it off.

So I broke down. My hot tempered father yelled at me for not vacuuming my room when I specifically remember him telling me to vacuum OUTSIDE my door. I got the vacuum back into my room and broke down. I don’t even know why. If you go back to the previous few posts you may see the similarity of topics that I blogged about.

I think there is just so much in my life right now that I wish can be better, but isn’t. I’m stressed, I’m not happy with myself in so many ways and just the things that are going on around me. It’s not boredem that is making me slightly depressed, it’s live itself.

Last night I realized how I’m not wanted anywhere for anyone. New Years is a time where you celebrate it with people you care about or just people you enjoy hanging out with, I guess I’m neither one of that. My friends I guess is an exception seeing as one was at a family gathering, and one is just not aloud out in general. My family didn’t even feel the need to use this as an opportunity to be together as a family. This is also an issue with how I associate myself with people. I keep myself so closed off from all other people with my close friends that I don’t have a chance to get to know other people or have people get to know me. Once these three people are gone and out and about, I’m all alone. I’m too reliant on them.

I feel ashamed to be in my skin, my self esteem has hit rock bottom. As I said before, I don’t like anything about me. There is no time where I am not aware of what I do and how I act. As that is what others see when they look at me. I’m ashamed. I don’t feel that anyone would love me for me without all the make up and photoshop. That’s the issue. My one best friend has just got a boyfriend last night, the other got one a few weeks ago, and and another is kinda seeing someone. Maybe it’s just that it is all happening so close that it was a reality check of me being single while they are all taken. I never gave much thought, I see couples and relationship statuses everywhere but now that people so close to me all have someone else in their life, it makes me feel lonely. I’m really happy for them, but at the same time I feel bad for myself. I think that maybe if I was better looking, or had a better body that it would all be different. If I had a taller nose, less round of a face, better hair, bigger boobs, thinner arms, toned butt, no man shoulders, tight abs, less over bite, symmetrical eyes, had ear lobes, perfect body, let’s just say my ideal, maybe that way boys would like me. But reality isn’t perfect, and I’m stuck. I want someone to like, someone to hold, someone to think about and be thought of. I’ve been trying to deny the fact that I really want someone. I just think if I say that the only reason I don’t have someone is because I’m just not looking that way it can be my excuse for being single. But the fact is, that special someone will always belong to someone else. No matter how hard I try with someone I like, I won’t work out. So I give up and tell people I don’t need anyone right now.

I’m scared shitless of what’s going to happen in a few months. I’m scared shitless to hear back from the universities and be told that I am not accepted. I am scared shitless that I will fail in university and fail to my parents and to myself.

I’m so unsure about everything, the present, the near future or the far future. I’m shitting myself with tears of frustrations that would sound silly if I told people. I don’t know what to do. While everyone is loving their awesome life with awesome people, I’m stuck dealing with shit alone. I wish my life could be ideal, and that I was ideal too, I want things to be easy and predictatable without worrying about screwing in life.