I wish I can turn it off.

So I broke down. My hot tempered father yelled at me for not vacuuming my room when I specifically remember him telling me to vacuum OUTSIDE my door. I got the vacuum back into my room and broke down. I don’t even know why. If you go back to the previous few posts you may see the similarity of topics that I blogged about.

I think there is just so much in my life right now that I wish can be better, but isn’t. I’m stressed, I’m not happy with myself in so many ways and just the things that are going on around me. It’s not boredem that is making me slightly depressed, it’s live itself.

Last night I realized how I’m not wanted anywhere for anyone. New Years is a time where you celebrate it with people you care about or just people you enjoy hanging out with, I guess I’m neither one of that. My friends I guess is an exception seeing as one was at a family gathering, and one is just not aloud out in general. My family didn’t even feel the need to use this as an opportunity to be together as a family. This is also an issue with how I associate myself with people. I keep myself so closed off from all other people with my close friends that I don’t have a chance to get to know other people or have people get to know me. Once these three people are gone and out and about, I’m all alone. I’m too reliant on them.

I feel ashamed to be in my skin, my self esteem has hit rock bottom. As I said before, I don’t like anything about me. There is no time where I am not aware of what I do and how I act. As that is what others see when they look at me. I’m ashamed. I don’t feel that anyone would love me for me without all the make up and photoshop. That’s the issue. My one best friend has just got a boyfriend last night, the other got one a few weeks ago, and and another is kinda seeing someone. Maybe it’s just that it is all happening so close that it was a reality check of me being single while they are all taken. I never gave much thought, I see couples and relationship statuses everywhere but now that people so close to me all have someone else in their life, it makes me feel lonely. I’m really happy for them, but at the same time I feel bad for myself. I think that maybe if I was better looking, or had a better body that it would all be different. If I had a taller nose, less round of a face, better hair, bigger boobs, thinner arms, toned butt, no man shoulders, tight abs, less over bite, symmetrical eyes, had ear lobes, perfect body, let’s just say my ideal, maybe that way boys would like me. But reality isn’t perfect, and I’m stuck. I want someone to like, someone to hold, someone to think about and be thought of. I’ve been trying to deny the fact that I really want someone. I just think if I say that the only reason I don’t have someone is because I’m just not looking that way it can be my excuse for being single. But the fact is, that special someone will always belong to someone else. No matter how hard I try with someone I like, I won’t work out. So I give up and tell people I don’t need anyone right now.

I’m scared shitless of what’s going to happen in a few months. I’m scared shitless to hear back from the universities and be told that I am not accepted. I am scared shitless that I will fail in university and fail to my parents and to myself.

I’m so unsure about everything, the present, the near future or the far future. I’m shitting myself with tears of frustrations that would sound silly if I told people. I don’t know what to do. While everyone is loving their awesome life with awesome people, I’m stuck dealing with shit alone. I wish my life could be ideal, and that I was ideal too, I want things to be easy and predictatable without worrying about screwing in life.

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One response to “I wish I can turn it off.

  1. Hello,
    I just ran across your recent post by accident. As one who has battled depression for about 25 yrs. plus, you seem not just depressed but “severly” depressed. I worry about what will happen to you and hope you won’t hurt yourself. I can’t quote scripture very well to you but I know this. You are loved! God loves you and so do I. I know that life seems to you as being pretty “shitty” right now but what you are now experiencing is just a little “hick-up” in your journey through life. I have a Facebook account and my name is Merv Faulk. Let’s talk this through…..Merv

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