Grief.

I thought I was going to be able to handle it. I thought I was stronger, that the first wave of tears were the only wave, that I will be over that stage, and start accepting it. That’s what I thought was going on up till now.

After getting rejected the first time, I’m scared that it will happen again. I still have to wait. I’m so scared again. This will be last chance to get into university, if not, I’ll have to stay back a year. All alone. While everyone is hearing the great news of getting accepted, I’ve been telling myself that the time will come, that my program is just that much more special, and that the longer I wait, the greater the reward. Well now  know that it’s not true. I’m happy for everyone, but at the same time, I have to think about myself. What I want.

I think I’m going through the grief cycle. Shock, denial, anger,bargain, depression, testing, and acceptance. I went through shock which I stared blankly at the email for the first 5 mins. I went through denial when I thought this was joke, that there was going to be a just kidding, that I will get another email, that I was dreaming. But it was real. Anger never really came, who am I going to get angry over? Them? It was all me, I did something wrong, I can’t blame others for something I could have done. I bargained by sending that email asking where I slipped and that I appreciated their time. I cried already, so there’s the depression. And I’ve thought of all the possible upsides. But at the same time these upsides have down sides, time. I was ready to get out, to get out of this juvenile place called highschool. I thought it was all going to over for me, it was my time. The same way it was the senior grade’s time when I saw them leave into their adult world. I also thought I was accepting, I made it clear to myself that there is nothing else I can do.

But here I am, back at depression. It’s worse than ever, listening to the sympathy, the words of encouragement that does not help. I’m sad beyond belief. I never thought university rejection was going to be so hard on me. I hear people getting rejected all the time, and they don’t seem to bawl their eyes out. They just go to the next big thing. But with me, next big thing, may also be a dud. I may get rejected again, and will have to go over this cycle again, only this time, I know there are not backups. This is a dream, and it’s being butchered. There’s a reason they call it a dream, it can only exist in your sleep, where nothing is real, but all things are perfect. In our world, that is the opposite, everything is real, and nothing is perfect. What’s wrong can be seen as right and vice versa.

How do people that don’t try as hard get into what they want? Why must I choose to pursue an education in something so competitive? I wish I can be average, with average skills to get into an average program. I wish I can go back and choose another path where it doesn’t lead me to how I feel right now.

I feel shattered. I’m broken, and there’s no way to fix me. I feel as if I failed. I felt so confident, thinking I will getting into university, this 88% average doesn’t mean anything when they can’t get you into school. I feel I didn’t try hard enough, but at the same time I do so much better. There was so much hope and faith, that it has all turned into darkness now. I feel lost on what I should be doing now. This is something I said I was afraid will happen. Something I wished on my life will never happened. It happened.

If the chances of my getting into my second choice is almost the same as my first choice, with the same competitiveness and spaces offered, I don’t think I will get in. This is not something that I’m saying to ensure that I will not get as hurt when the bad news comes ( at first I thought it was) I can just feel it. I will fail there too. Even at a second rated school, I’m nothing special. I’m a failure.

When will this end? I want everything to just stop and I can find a corner to cry. I want to leave this place. I just want everything gone.

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