Motivation?

I no longer have motivation to work hard in school anymore. While this may be true for a lot of my classmates, as the mind set came in when they got accepted to their desired program at a good school. It came to me when I realized that there is a high possibility that I will not get into university next year.

Today I skipped school. This was the first time that I did it because I was just plain lazy. I thought about what I will be doing at school, I realized I wouldn’t even being trying in my classes. That I don’t have the hardworking feeling that I had before. It has now diminished. I know that this should be a time where I should be working hard than ever to prepare me for reapplication next year. That would be the smart thing, but I just can’t. How can I apply to something again where I know I failed the first time. I don’t want the same mind set that I have had all my life, that I will get in. I can’t be optimistic and naive like that again.

Optimism means expecting the best. Confidence means knowing how to handle the worst.
— Zurich Axiom

I like that quote, but I don’t think I can be that. I already faced that harsh  reality once with tears and pain, will I be able to do that again. To feel like a failure again. A repeat will be the end of me.

Someone said that I didn’t necessary fail, since I got accepted to alternate programs. That is like saying while one applies to be a doctor at the hospital with all the required credentials, but later being hired to be a measly nurse. You can say either way they got hired. But first of all, it is not something they want to do, second it will not provide the salary that they wanted in the wanted job. How does going into a major in planning or history going to help me? I will have to reapply and go through the same process, and no those courses will not put me above the hundreds of new applicants next year.

I try to be strong. While all my academic friends talk amongst each other about their excitement about next year, and their arrangements of residence; all of which I thought I would be able to think about, I’m left to feel envy for them and pity for myself. I want to walk away but I must not be selfish. The world does not revolve around me, but my thoughts do. I’m sad when I rethink about the fact that I have failed to be an honour student. All that hard work did not pay off. I didn’t not do myself justice. I failed myself to be able to take the next step in my life on schedule. And now I’m scared that I will ever. When others ask about where I’m going next year, I feel embarrassed to tell them that I’m wait listed. And when they ask me what I will be doing, I just want to walk away. My future is so uncertain. It is neither a yes or a no. I really don’t know what I will be doing.

I guess I’m still in grief. Once again, while I thought I was strong enough to move past that, and start living my life and planning my next step, I’m crying again.

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