I hate it.

I want to take a vacation from this family. It is way too ridiculous the way it functions. All the ‘Love you’ and ‘ I care about you’ are all bullshit. How much can you be loving me, when the things you say to me hurt me so much? I don’t like the thought of being in the same room as you, because all you do is bring up my failures of life. I’m finally an adult now, and I don’t need to take your bullshit. You say you support my actions and understand how I’m feeling after I got rejected. You said that it wasn’t my fault, and that I should have gotten in. I know those were only to make me feel better, but when you turn around and go back on everything you said. It really makes me wonder. I slam on me at where it hurts most. You know I’m sensitive there, and you don’t care. You just want your words on everything.

Your feelings are more important than mine. You are selfish. You care about how others view you and your daughter’s success. You tell me to ignore other people. but how about you tell that to yourself? How about you stop caring and stop dropping the Hiroshima on me when you get embarrassed on what others say. I hate that you don’t understand me as a person. You never tried. My whole lifetime growing up, you pretend to care and know about me, but all you know is the superficial stuff. You know what to buy me, you know what I like, but do you really know how I feel? You never do! You don’t make me feel comfortable enough to come and open up to you. All you know how to do is attack me on me and my decisions.

You make me do things that I don’t want to do. I don’t really have a choice now do I? I’m obedient because I want to be a good daughter. But are you a good mother? I never get a say in things, maybe that’s where out communication fails. When I reply give my own suggestions, it is called talking back. This is where I am suppose to get my mouth washed with soup. You tell me how I don’t take you yelling at me well, that I always get in a bad mood. But really? You want me to get turned on by your mean words? What kind of fucked up child do you think I am? I say one thing back, and I am a bad daughter.

I really don’t know what kind of world you and the rest of my family grew up in. A world where there is no trust. You tell me that I can’t trust anyone but family. But trust me, I trust my friends more than I trust you or anyone else of my close family. They understand me, they don’t judge me to a point where I feel hurt. They make up who I am now. You say that they are going to leave me when they have the chance and take advantage of me. They will cheat, lie and steal. If this is your definition of ‘friendship’ then you’re friendship history must have been fucked up.

I hate that you don’t try. I hate that I always get attacked. I hate that you never stick with what you say. I hate that you make me sad.

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