Body.

It feels like my life is missing something. I really just want someone there for me.

Today I met up with my best friends who I have not seen in a while cause we all went to different schools. I’m listening to stories about guys telling them how beautiful they are, and that they can get any guy if they wanted to. I’m also listening to them talking about how they are losing weight and such while I stay the same and probably gaining weight.  They all look great, but when I look at my self in the mirror I feel like shit. Listening to all this, it makes me feel unwanted and ugly.

I think I’m starting to have trouble with food, I can’t get my mind off of it. In the past two days, I’ve eaten so much, and not because I’m hungry either. I eat just to eat. I feel fat and bloated all the time, and I don’t like seeing myself in the mirror. I told my friends that if I ever win the lottery that the first thing I would do is get a full body liposuction. They respond with disgust and tell me that I would probably get flab where the fat is taken out. I never thought of that, but that made me feel fatter about myself. I didn’t realize that my tummy was that big that there would be flab. That just kinda made me even more self concious.

I look at myself all the time and I try to divert my gaze else where because I feel so ugly. But really, I can’t look away. I hate how I look and feel. It’s disgusting. How am I suppose to find someone to like me when I can’t even like myself. I’m not going to pretend I’m content with myself just to make that logic work, cause it would be a lie. I was only comfortable complaining about my body to my friends today because they were so close. My friend looked at me and asked,’ Do you talk like that when you’re with people?’ and I don’t. I don’t want them knowing that I’m insecure with myself. I want to give people this false image that I’m comfortable and confident. If they know how I’m really am, they won’t like me.

It really sucks how it feels like everyone around me has got someone, or had someone that thought they were beautiful and perfect. I want that, I want to be wanted. But I really don’t think anyone can think that of me. I know I won’t

I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m just trying to express how I feel. I’m not happy with how I am, and I want it to change.

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