Single and Looking.

I recycle ideas alot, but that’s just what’s on my mind.

I sound like one of those pathetic girls when I say that I want a boyfriend. I just realized the other day that I’m ‘single and looking’. Before I thought of myself as someone that just take things as it comes, and what ever happens happens, but now I’m actual want a boyfriend.

I think one of the factors is that now that I’m living on my own, I really want a person that I can always depend on to be there. Yes I have friends for that, but they can only be there for so much. If i was home, and my bestfriends are there, it would be different. Because I know I’m their bestfriend too. Here, I don’t know how big of a role I have in some of our friendship. Am I being a bother when I always want to hangout? When you have a boyfriend, you just know you can show up without being judged. Of course not to the point where it’s clingy but you know what I mean.

I still haven’t experienced what it’s like to have boyfriend. And coming into first year university I feel so inexperienced. Is it bad that I was the only girl in my sorority pledge class that is a virgin? I’m not upset that I’m a virgin, but I am kind of upset that I have not experienced it yet. Even girls that don’t, how do I put it, look or act the part has gotten guys. How am I different? I know if I want I can put out and hook up with guys left, right and centre but I want something more than that. Since I started university, I’ve taken the effort to learn to talk to guys and be friends with them, just so I can get comfortable with them. I’m getting there, it’s a good feeling, but the next step is bring friendship up a notch. But how do I let people know I’m interested? I have this problem that I don’t like people unless I know they might like me back. But at the same time, I don’t make a move to show that I’m interested because I’m scared of being rejected. I think I’m also just scared to let guys in cause I don’t know what to do.

I really really want to have that guy that I can cuddle with on a lazy Friday night and watch a movie together. Someone I can be bestfriends with that I can tell anything to. Is it really that hard to ask. As time goes by, I’m watching my friends get into and out of relationships, and all I can do is listen to them talk about it. I don’t know what it’s like. I can’t help my friend out when she goes through a break up because I’ve never had it happen. I don’t know how it feels to get the gaga feeling when you’re with someone you know likes you back. I really don’t know.

I’m really lonely.

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