Oh boys.

I’m not the type of girl that would get out of my way to talk to guys that I find myself attracted to. I don’t want to give them that much clue that I’m into them. Why? I don’t want to have the chance of being rejected. So what do I do? I test the ice, give them some playful yet flirty comments and see how they response. If they returns the gesture, I’ll keep going. But once they stop or seem unimpressed, I stop and give up. That’s just how I’ve worked ever since I got the awful rejection back in grade 10. I liked him so much, gave him signs to show that I was obviously interested. I told other people to maybe drop a few hints here and there that I was interested. All that went down hill when he didn’t show interest back. I dove too deep into something that wasn’t going happen, and I got hurt.

Why do I never feel there is a legitimacy when guys talk to me? When they flirt or hit on me, I don’t believe it. I just don’t feel that guys would have interest in me. I put up this instant wall of doubt thinking that it’s a joke or a dare, that’s why they are talking to me. Maybe their friends think it would be funny to mess with my head. Or maybe it’s a dare to see how far I would fall for their words. I always have this sense of skepticism. When guys are dropping compliments like eggs, I wonder what their alterior motives are. Are they really interested, or are they just looking for a booty call and to wheel me? I just really don’t know how to respond to their words. Do I say thanks and say something nice back? Do I laugh it off and play buddybuddy with them? I’m so lost in this whole boy thing.

Yesterday some guy started messaging me on facebook. He’s attractive, and I have thought of him a few times after I met him. Nice, funny guy that calls people beautiful like change for a bum. I got so caught up thinking that maybe that this is some fraternity prank. Ohhh funny, let’s play with this freshmen asian girl’s head. It went on for a while and as it goes on, I start wondering, what if this was really something? But everytime I think that or what things could ‘become’ I slap myself on the wrist and have to tell myself to stop, because this could be easily nothing. All day I try not to think about him saying that he’ll ‘call me’ today. But I just keep on checking my phone or logging on to facebook, just incase he wants to talk to me there. This guy might be someone that just wanted to talk to me and test the ice that nice, maybe he won’t talk to me again. We made plans to hang out, but there’s the part of me that thinks that he might bail and things would go back to my boring lonely life. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, for me, until something does happen that is more than just internet chat, I can’t think anything of it. Of course it would nice though right? Happens all the time.

There’s been so many time where I would talk to guys, hang out with them, think that there might be something, but then I get dropped just like that. I’m kinda getting tired of that. So why would this be any different?

Oh guys, why are they so hard to figure out? Or do I just think too much into things.


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