The same.

I hate recycling feelings and thoughts that have already been posted before, but this has been on my mind all the time and I just want to get it out there.

I don’t like the person that I am. I don’t like living in this outer shell. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. Everytime, I catch my self looking, I’m looking at my flaws. When I’m not looking at myself, I’m imagining how awful and fat I must look. Because the only time I look good is when I pose and smile. But when I have my neutral face on, I feel like my face is disgusting. When I laugh or smile too hard, I’m scared that I’m going to look like a horse. I get frustrated when I see my outfits and realize how awful it looks. That is fixable, I can work that off. But my laugh, or my big face. I’m stuck with that. That’s something gross and permenant that I have to live with. No matter how hard I try to deal with it, I would still acknowledge it.

I’m my own worst critic.No matter how many people tell me I look good, I never feel it. If it were true, then why have I never been on a date. Never had someone like me the way I like them. I don’t get hit on. Guys don’t buy my drinks. Never had a valentine. Never had a boyfriend. I’m 18 and stuff that 13 year olds are doing, I’ve never even been close. I get jealous of every else. My roomate, my school mates, my friends. I envy them. I envy them being wanted. Being told that they were beautiful. Being treated right by people; be it they’re other half or just strangers.

I realized that at the clubs, it’s not that I’m picky with guys I would like to dance with, it’s that guys don’t dance with me. I try to be a whore, and try to lure them in without making it look like I’m trying but it doesn’t work. I tell people I’m proud that I didn’t make out with any randoms, showing that I have self control. Half of it is people don’t come up to me. Not that I will make out with them, but there really is none that I had to say no to. Of course that’s what I tell myself and others if it’s asked.

Maybe personality can make up for a lack of looks. I’ve heard stories like that. But that’s not true in my case. People don’t get natually drawn to me. I don’t have a lot of friends. People don’t make an effort to talk to me. I’m not able to be comfortable with people. It’s so hard.

I can’t stand my personality. I can’t stand my looks. What do I have? Skills and talent for a future career? Wealth in the future? But does that bring me this lack of self confidence inside and out?

I don’t know if I’m crying because I’m lonely, or because I feel ugly in and out. But I’m so sad right now. Are people suppose to just think about stuff like this all the time, cause I hate it.

I just thought things were going to be different now in university. That I’m a new person with no past to linger on. It’s still the same. I hate everything.


2 responses to “The same.

  1. as miller said, To become the great lover, the magnetizer and catalyzer, the blinding focus and inspiration of the world, one has to first experience the profound wisdom of being an utter fool….i think we have all felt that way, i know i have…trust me when i say it, there is love out there, i Guarantee it, on my life..simply a moment in time where it all feels crazy and insane and shit, is just a moment. i sound so pretentious, sorry.

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