I hate recycling feelings and thoughts that have already been posted before, but this has been on my mind all the time and I just want to get it out there.
I don’t like the person that I am. I don’t like living in this outer shell. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. Everytime, I catch my self looking, I’m looking at my flaws. When I’m not looking at myself, I’m imagining how awful and fat I must look. Because the only time I look good is when I pose and smile. But when I have my neutral face on, I feel like my face is disgusting. When I laugh or smile too hard, I’m scared that I’m going to look like a horse. I get frustrated when I see my outfits and realize how awful it looks. That is fixable, I can work that off. But my laugh, or my big face. I’m stuck with that. That’s something gross and permenant that I have to live with. No matter how hard I try to deal with it, I would still acknowledge it.
I’m my own worst critic.No matter how many people tell me I look good, I never feel it. If it were true, then why have I never been on a date. Never had someone like me the way I like them. I don’t get hit on. Guys don’t buy my drinks. Never had a valentine. Never had a boyfriend. I’m 18 and stuff that 13 year olds are doing, I’ve never even been close. I get jealous of every else. My roomate, my school mates, my friends. I envy them. I envy them being wanted. Being told that they were beautiful. Being treated right by people; be it they’re other half or just strangers.
I realized that at the clubs, it’s not that I’m picky with guys I would like to dance with, it’s that guys don’t dance with me. I try to be a whore, and try to lure them in without making it look like I’m trying but it doesn’t work. I tell people I’m proud that I didn’t make out with any randoms, showing that I have self control. Half of it is people don’t come up to me. Not that I will make out with them, but there really is none that I had to say no to. Of course that’s what I tell myself and others if it’s asked.
Maybe personality can make up for a lack of looks. I’ve heard stories like that. But that’s not true in my case. People don’t get natually drawn to me. I don’t have a lot of friends. People don’t make an effort to talk to me. I’m not able to be comfortable with people. It’s so hard.
I can’t stand my personality. I can’t stand my looks. What do I have? Skills and talent for a future career? Wealth in the future? But does that bring me this lack of self confidence inside and out?
I don’t know if I’m crying because I’m lonely, or because I feel ugly in and out. But I’m so sad right now. Are people suppose to just think about stuff like this all the time, cause I hate it.
I just thought things were going to be different now in university. That I’m a new person with no past to linger on. It’s still the same. I hate everything.