I don’t feel like I have a choice, that I always have to take what I was given and ask nothing of it. I’m not a strong enough person, I don’t have the ability to make things happen. I’m scared of what can happen, scared of the rejection. I don’t take innitiative or the step towards what I want. I wait around hoping that things will come to me.

This of course is again in the topic of boys.

Well I hope the best, idk I really want you to have a bf now. Idk. I’ve seen everyone else in a relationship.. I want you to have that like, now.

That is what my bestfriend said to me today. I’ve been getting used to the idea that nothing special really happens in my life, and I just kind of dismissed that fact. But when she said that, I thought of how right she is. This is real, it’s not just one of my highschool nightmares when I was younger. Still being by myself never been liked back by someone I liked. Thinking about how I’ve never really had the feeling of being liked back. Having  my friends want something like that for me. I always make it seem like it doesn’t matter to me, but it does. I always think about why, or when. What gives?

Now I discovered another reasoning behind my singleness. I just don’t take charge. I would see people I might be interested in, and all I do is hope that maybe they would have the same interest back. I wait for guys to come up to me. Never the other way around. And if people I talk to don’t seem to show interest, I leave. And like that, I’m done. I’m scared of rejection. The embarrassment of it, of being the girl that got shot down.

I envy girls that have the ability to have who ever they want. Back in grade 9, I would have gym class with these pretty confident girls. I pointed out a cute guy from the grade 11 gym class, and within a week they would be talking and hanging out. While I watch it happen. I never did anything about it. I just accepted the fact that I will never be able to do that, to have the choice that they did.

I’m useless.


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