We live only to Discover Beauty.
And when all else fails, Create it.
Okay so let’s analyze myself as a person.
I like being someone that is fun, energetic and I guess sometimes slight immature. That’s just the way I am. When you meet me, I’d have the biggest smile on my face. I try to live in my youth. I can be dramatic with my actions, not the bitchy kind just I might take my happy to an extreme. I’m rarely a bitch, I might be sarcastic at times. I’m always looking for ways to entertain myself. I like peaking into people’s rooms that I know and just asking what’s up, and will want to chill out. I ask them about their day, how they are, what they are doing. Kind of random.
But sometimes I feel that I can come off as being annoying with my overly energetic personality. Sometimes I don’t know when to stop. I can keep on going with this little girl at of asking question or being involved and I can piss people off. It’s happened before, and then I would feel so bad. Of course I learn from everytime that happens, that I can’t go that far with that certain annoyingness.
I’m a rez bum, I go to my friend’s rez building a lot just to hang out. I live off campus so he said that I can call it my second home of I wanted to. I would love to take up that offer, but at the same time I feel like a bother sometimes. I feel like a charity case that has no home. He knows how much I want a rez life, and how I’ve never got the chance to have one and he’s here for me. I’m so grateful but I feel like such a hassle. He says I’m like a little sister to him, and I feel like one. He’s always there to take care of me when I’m drunk, or let’s me eat his food when I’m hungry, let me crash when I have no where to go. I feel like a child that has to be taken care of.
My friends say that these aren’t qualities that I should dislike, that it’s because I’m the way I am that they love me. Yes but this can only last for so long. I cannot act like this in 5 years can I? 10 years? What will I have to be then? I don’t know anything different, this is the one way I can act as if I was fun and for people to like me as a person.
How does one mature? Because obviously I haven’t for the past decade, I’m still the same mentally, sexually physical child that I was years ago.
Leave your mark.
Not very smart. Realized how dirty it can come off as.
I still like the idea of it, maybe find a different way of wording it.
Leave your mark.
Tatoo idea; my life motto.
To create and leave a mark on the world. Meet people and leave a lasting impression with them; to be remembered. To make a positive impact on my surrounds and on people that I care about.
That’s what I live for, that’s what I want to do and I want that on my body to remind me of my life goal everyday.
Was the date a success? I don’t know. I didn’t leave this one with the same satisfactory feeling as our first one. I walked away, and I wondered what exactly happened. It felt like a hang out if anything, so it’s really up in the air if there would be a round 3.
We talked about a lot of stuff again, just this and that. Nothing too deep. He bought me beaver tails and looked at ice sculptures. There was the awkward moment, or course we tried to get rid of those.
I really don’t know. I would like a redo, kind of. There were the good parts of course, but the less than interesting parts were there too. So they kind of cancelled each other out. It ended with us getting off the bus and me running for my bus which was quickly leaving ahead, no time for a hug.
I said thank you for the beavertail and that I had a fun time (That was something he said a few times when we were hanging out) with a smiley face and a winky face, he replied with a ‘me too’ I then tried hitting up a convo on facebook chat, joking about something and there was minimal response. Now what? So it’s really up to him.
Hmm maybe he’s feeling the same and I should give him a clue that I’m still interested hanging out. Maybe tomorrow I should casual send a message saying we should play again sometime, just something cute and innocent. Okay that’s the plan.
I have a date tonight. We’re going skating. I try not to think too much into it, just trying to take things as it comes. I don’t know what I’m expecting out of this boy. Do I want to have a relationship with him, would it even go that far? I don’t know, all I know is it feels nice. It’s flattering to have some guy wanting to know more about you, to want to hang out with you again.
I guess we had a hot chocolate date last week, I liked it. We talked, we laughed we had a good time. We made plans for a round two right away when we got home. I get excited when I think about hanging out again. Never had this happen before. Usually I get excited to be around people I might have a crush on, but this time, this person might have the same feelings back. So it’s a mutual feeling. I feel like how a little school girl should feel, but I’m kind of almost 19. Haha. Better late than never right?
But then there’s the part of me that is uncertain. This boy, everyone loves him. How do I know I’m the only one he’s treating like this? I guess I’ll never know till something does come out of this. He’s got my trust till he ruins it, which I hope he doesn’t.
I might like this guy, I don’t know. We’ll see.
Oh how much has changed in one single year. To fully understand the contrast please refer to: Slut
I’m no longer the ‘slut’ I don’t know what I am anymore. In a way when you look at my numbers since that post it has gone up. Then when you look at me currently, I’m anything but. Here’s the story.
When that post was writting, I have only kissed 3 boys. Then I thought it was a big number, and that it made me slutty. Since then, the numbers started going up. In May I had my first sober kiss. It was spontaneous and I don’t think I liked it that much. I met the boy on a sunny Friday afternoon in May, then we ended up making out in his basement. It was short, but I had to stop it. It didn’t feel right. Needless to say, never spoke to him ever again, even though he lives down the street from me. After that I made out with someone I met on our girls night out to Niagara falls in July, drunk of course. After that had a party in August and ended out making out with a school friend, weird, drunk. Then two days after that, I had my second official sober makeout. I mentioned this before, I enjoyed it seeing as it was with someone that I liked a lot back in grade 10, and I’ve had a crush on him ever since. Then the weekend after that, gone to second base for the first time with a guy I’ve had my eyes set on when we met two days earlier. After hearing that he thought I hot, I made it my mission. Success. In the course of 4 months, 5 guys.
Then univeristy started, I decided that I don’t want to do that anymore, that I want to meet people before making out with them. I would say I’m doing a very good job compared to before. Kissed a boy briefly during frosh drunk, I got up, tucked him into bed and left. Then I guess I made out with a guy when I was super smashed at a club, I don’t really count that, I have no recollection and I have nothing to say to that. Kissed a boy goodbye at a keggar last month. Not bad, considering as there was several occasion where I could have. I’ve gone out of my way to say no; like pretending to fall over/passout when some guy wanted to kiss me; said no repeatedly to a guy at Greek Olympics, and only kissed him goodbye at the end. I would put my hand up to my mouth when ever he tried, turns out he was an alumni for tke.
I don’t want to be a bitch and say that have standards, but I do. Would I kiss you if I was sober? People tell me that’s half the fun, when you’re so drunk, it doesn’t matter. But I don’t want to have the recollection of sucking face with someone I would not want to if I was sober. I also really want a kiss from someone I like, that’s the one thing I want. Even better sober, to know what it actually feels like. Am I really asking too much?
I’ve got a lot of self control now, and I have more moral respect.
And I like it.