Troubled.

I fear rejection; I praise acceptance.

In any situation I see the chances of being rejected negativity as a natural thing, it is something I expect. The idea of acceptance and positive feels farfetched, it feels like a miracle. In this whole school thing, reapplying, trying to get into school or with boys. I’m always scared of the feeling of being rejected and not being wanted. At the same time, I’m kind of used to the feeling. I’m used to hearing the bad news and I just kind of expect it now.

My friend says that it’s this negativity that always brings me down. Yes, I understand that it is, but I’m okay with it. It’s just part of my life to have those feelings and it is something that I’m the only one feeling. People don’t know I’m sad and hopeless. I was told recently that I always have a smile, and I feel that I was able to deceive everyone around me as being the happy positive person that they think I am. I don’t need people to know how I feel. I don’t want people to know, to know that I’m more than just a simple smile. I don’t need to be worried about, or thought about. I’m scared about being judged by people when they know what my problems and thoughts are. I’m not perfect and my thoughts and ideas aren’t either.

I’m troubled.

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