Care//Respect

See I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful

-Lil Wayne

I want to someone to say that to me and mean it. I’m having another moment after listening to that song. How do you love? I don’t know if I can do it, I don’t know if I would know how to do it. I’m scared that when put into the situation I won’t know how to handle having someone. I’m used to be by myself. I don’t know how to care for someone intimately or know how to act when someone is caring for me.

This past summer I let someone into my life. I knew nothing was going to come out of it, that it will only be a physical thing. I prepared myself that this person is not going to care for me, and in return I will not put much feeling into this. I was fully aware. It was something new that I was trying, I can’t connect with someone emotionally and deeply, maybe I’m better off having a physical relationship with this person. Was I wrong. I soon came to realise that caring comes with respect, these two things come hand in hand. I know I told myself to not, but I cared for this person as a human being, treated him as I would treat others and would like to be treated. It was just a default you know. In the end, I realised that this person did not respect me, my belongings or anything for that matter. And I just felt dumb. My friends said he was a bad guy, that he was a douche bag, but I tried to see the light in everything and tried to explain that he isn’t that bad. He’s not a bad person, he just has a long way to go with respecting and thinking about others other than himself.

I don’t think I can do that again. It was naive that this would be something I would want. When I really thought about it, it’s pathetic to think that the closest thing I have ever had with a guy intimately was a booty call. At first it was something I laughed about, now I just feel sad. I don’t regret it, cause if that did not happen I would not think the way I do now.

I really want to have someone that cares for me and respects me in a relationship. But… I don’t know if I would be able to handle something like that, I really don’t know how it feels.

New beginnings.

I’m ready to start over again. To go into the unexpected, to be surprised. It’s such an exhilerating feeling, putting myself into situations where I can become who ever I want. If I were to be thrown into something foreign and new two years ago, I would run home and cry to mum, but now I feel like a new person. I love meeting people and learning about things I never knew.

It is almost September that means that I will be starting my second year in university. Same school, same people, but at a school with 28000 people, I think I can manage to meet new people. I want to get more involved this year. I’m helping out with frosh, this means that I will have to get super close with 30 other people to work together and even more when I meet the froshes and hopefully make some new friends there. I’m taking courses from another faculty, that means I will be meeting engineer students that I would have never met when I was stuck in art history. I’m rushing for a sorority again, this automatically means new people and friendships. I want to join clubs and be an active member, so I can meet even more people. I think I just love the thrill of finally enjoying human companionship and being able to cope with change.

What I just mentioned above, that isn’t even a big change, it’s just what I’m excited for in the new school year. Something I’ve been thinking a lot into is that I want to switch schools after this year. In the past year, I let my childish and naive mind make myself believe that I can’t leave now that I’ve started a life here. I didn’t want to leave the good friendships I have behind. But in the past few months I’ve learned that I’m going to be okay. I can’t let something as little as status and ‘a good time’ determine my future and where I want to be. If I go into civil engineering, I can transfer to schools much closer to home near the city and get my degree there. Part of my want to leave and maybe persue my education in Toronto. I want to live in the city and feel what it’s like.

This is the time for me to discover myself. I’ve already found out that I can be the type of person to pick up and leave. Not in a bad way, I don’t mean to leave everything behind. But I’m open for change and opportunities.  I used to fear the thought of leaving people since I hate and is scared of goodbyes. They have always been my weakness but that doesn’t go with my mentality of wanting to travel and go from place to place. Now with this type of adrenaline, I know that the important people in my life will always be there no matter where I go. It just depends on the effort both parties are willing to put in to make it work.

Come at me world. I’m ready for you.