See I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful

-Lil Wayne

I want to someone to say that to me and mean it. I’m having another moment after listening to that song. How do you love? I don’t know if I can do it, I don’t know if I would know how to do it. I’m scared that when put into the situation I won’t know how to handle having someone. I’m used to be by myself. I don’t know how to care for someone intimately or know how to act when someone is caring for me.

This past summer I let someone into my life. I knew nothing was going to come out of it, that it will only be a physical thing. I prepared myself that this person is not going to care for me, and in return I will not put much feeling into this. I was fully aware. It was something new that I was trying, I can’t connect with someone emotionally and deeply, maybe I’m better off having a physical relationship with this person. Was I wrong. I soon came to realise that caring comes with respect, these two things come hand in hand. I know I told myself to not, but I cared for this person as a human being, treated him as I would treat others and would like to be treated. It was just a default you know. In the end, I realised that this person did not respect me, my belongings or anything for that matter. And I just felt dumb. My friends said he was a bad guy, that he was a douche bag, but I tried to see the light in everything and tried to explain that he isn’t that bad. He’s not a bad person, he just has a long way to go with respecting and thinking about others other than himself.

I don’t think I can do that again. It was naive that this would be something I would want. When I really thought about it, it’s pathetic to think that the closest thing I have ever had with a guy intimately was a booty call. At first it was something I laughed about, now I just feel sad. I don’t regret it, cause if that did not happen I would not think the way I do now.

I really want to have someone that cares for me and respects me in a relationship. But… I don’t know if I would be able to handle something like that, I really don’t know how it feels.


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