Still single.

I always seem to come back here when I’m upset or sad. I just need a place to express my feelings, without being repetitive with my room mates and friends. Sometimes I feel embarrassed at what I feel sad about, and I feel that the people around me would think less of me. That’s why I’m here.

Tonight, I had one of those nights where it just ended with me feeling upset for no reason. I start tearing up, not knowing the cause of my leaking and this causes me to do some major self reflecting. In the end I felt like the reason I’m sad is because I don’t feel like I’m worth anyone’s time. Everyone seems to be doing their own thing, and I don’t feel like I have anyone there in the intimate level that makes me feel like I’m worth their time. I want someone to give my the attention that I crave; so here’s my next point. I don’t feel like I got the attention that I deserved for the night. The amount of time and effort I put into my appearance, and the what I was wearing. I admitted to myself that I looked rather good, but I don’t feel like I got the attention that was able to make me feel like my effort was worth while.

In the end, it’s comes down to me still being single. Not having anyone there to make me feel special and worth being around for. I’m tired of working my ass of to try to get attention from people, I want to be able to be myself with minimal effort and still be able to have someone letting me know I’m beautiful. I want to someday be able to go around and not worry about trying to seduce people into giving attention. Because when I have someone there, I won’t crave it the same way I do now.

Five years later, and I’m still depressed over the same thing. The past me would have thought I would have settled down by now, but things aren’t that easy.

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New beginnings.

I’m ready to start over again. To go into the unexpected, to be surprised. It’s such an exhilerating feeling, putting myself into situations where I can become who ever I want. If I were to be thrown into something foreign and new two years ago, I would run home and cry to mum, but now I feel like a new person. I love meeting people and learning about things I never knew.

It is almost September that means that I will be starting my second year in university. Same school, same people, but at a school with 28000 people, I think I can manage to meet new people. I want to get more involved this year. I’m helping out with frosh, this means that I will have to get super close with 30 other people to work together and even more when I meet the froshes and hopefully make some new friends there. I’m taking courses from another faculty, that means I will be meeting engineer students that I would have never met when I was stuck in art history. I’m rushing for a sorority again, this automatically means new people and friendships. I want to join clubs and be an active member, so I can meet even more people. I think I just love the thrill of finally enjoying human companionship and being able to cope with change.

What I just mentioned above, that isn’t even a big change, it’s just what I’m excited for in the new school year. Something I’ve been thinking a lot into is that I want to switch schools after this year. In the past year, I let my childish and naive mind make myself believe that I can’t leave now that I’ve started a life here. I didn’t want to leave the good friendships I have behind. But in the past few months I’ve learned that I’m going to be okay. I can’t let something as little as status and ‘a good time’ determine my future and where I want to be. If I go into civil engineering, I can transfer to schools much closer to home near the city and get my degree there. Part of my want to leave and maybe persue my education in Toronto. I want to live in the city and feel what it’s like.

This is the time for me to discover myself. I’ve already found out that I can be the type of person to pick up and leave. Not in a bad way, I don’t mean to leave everything behind. But I’m open for change and opportunities.  I used to fear the thought of leaving people since I hate and is scared of goodbyes. They have always been my weakness but that doesn’t go with my mentality of wanting to travel and go from place to place. Now with this type of adrenaline, I know that the important people in my life will always be there no matter where I go. It just depends on the effort both parties are willing to put in to make it work.

Come at me world. I’m ready for you.

No Regrets.

First year of university is done. My first year of adulthood is over. I keep getting these hit of reality ever to often, making me realise that I’m no longer a child and everything that has happened in the past year has been amazing.

After experiencing everything, I really won’t change a thing. I did not get into my dream school for a reason, so I can go here. I did not get into the program I applied to here, so I can meet the people I have met that has changed my life. There were so many factors that would changed how I would have turned out at the end of this year. I’m glad for all the decision I have made. Yes I have not made very good ones from time to time, but it helped me reflect on myself and questioned why I did it. I learned to open myself more, to be more social, something that I craved this time last year. I was able to let people in, into my life, thoughts and problems. I learned that I cannot hide myself anymore, and I have to reach out. I cannot live on a safety net because I don’t want to get hurt. Yes it makes me vulnerable, but that’s life. I have taken more initiative to be with people, I can now make plans with people, and not be so awkward. I’m still the same person, but I have grown so much as a person.

Do I regret everything that didn’t happen last May? Getting rejected. No. Because this year happened. This year has been such a stepping stone in my life. It was the transitional point that I will always be grateful for.

Everything does happen for a reason; if it were any different, I don’t know how my life would alter. It could be better, it could be worse, but where I am right now is just right.

FWB.

It happened last month. I did it. I didn’t regret it.

I was drunk, please don’t judge. Yes I made a point in saying that it will not happen drunk, but the time came and it just felt… right. I know it’s naive to think that, that I could get emotionally and physically hurt after, but I just had a feeling. The whole time, he asked me, ‘Why me?’ and I couldn’t give him an answer. I don’t know why I chose him. I think it was just an act of the moment, the right time, the right place.

I met him four years ago, thought he was cute. I always have. We went to different schools and hung out with different crowds, so I never gave it a thought. Not that I’m giving a thought about it now. Then that night came and we saw each other. We know who each other are, and seeing that I’ve always been physically attracted to him, my flirting reflex kicked in and I got what I want. I didn’t think that it would go that far, it was only earlier that week that I did something more with a guy that I haven’t done before. My friends warned me afterwards that I have to calm down cause next time, I might do more. I ensured her that I won’t but then this happened.

She texted me that morning, asking if I did anything I regreted, I said no. She took that as a good sign that I didn’t do it. But then I sent her another message, ‘I didn’t regret it.’ I think she was disappointed in me, she worried about me. I can understand why, this came out of no where. I didn’t come home to reading break thinking that I would lose my virginity. Especially back home, I’m back here maybe 4 times during the school year now, what are the odds.

I still don’t regret it. Somehow afterwards it kind of changed my way of seeing things. Not that I ‘matured’ over this experience but I kind of feel… wiser. I now know what people are talking about and I don’t feel embarrassed or childish about the subject. Because this was something that was eventually going to happen.

We still talk. The morning after was not weird. We hung out. No we did not act like nothing happened, we were mature and talked about it when it was brought up. I told him that I didn’t regret it and he was relieved. If he was to leave in the morning without saying goodbye, I would have felt bitter about it, but he didn’t. He stucked around.

What’s going to happen now? I don’t know, it would be childish to think that something big is going to come out of this. It would be unrealistic. Do I like him? No, I don’t know him enough to. He’ll just always be my first. Then again, we’ve been talking about hanging out again when I’m home, this could be a friendship (with benefits?)

Please don’t judge me.

Troubled.

I fear rejection; I praise acceptance.

In any situation I see the chances of being rejected negativity as a natural thing, it is something I expect. The idea of acceptance and positive feels farfetched, it feels like a miracle. In this whole school thing, reapplying, trying to get into school or with boys. I’m always scared of the feeling of being rejected and not being wanted. At the same time, I’m kind of used to the feeling. I’m used to hearing the bad news and I just kind of expect it now.

My friend says that it’s this negativity that always brings me down. Yes, I understand that it is, but I’m okay with it. It’s just part of my life to have those feelings and it is something that I’m the only one feeling. People don’t know I’m sad and hopeless. I was told recently that I always have a smile, and I feel that I was able to deceive everyone around me as being the happy positive person that they think I am. I don’t need people to know how I feel. I don’t want people to know, to know that I’m more than just a simple smile. I don’t need to be worried about, or thought about. I’m scared about being judged by people when they know what my problems and thoughts are. I’m not perfect and my thoughts and ideas aren’t either.

I’m troubled.

Analyze.

Okay so let’s analyze myself as a person.

I like being someone that is fun, energetic and I guess sometimes slight immature. That’s just the way I am. When you meet me, I’d have the biggest smile on my face. I try to live in my youth. I can be dramatic with my actions, not the bitchy kind just I might take my happy to an extreme. I’m rarely a bitch, I might be sarcastic at times. I’m always looking for ways to entertain myself. I like peaking into people’s rooms that I know and just asking what’s up, and will want to chill out. I ask them about their day, how they are, what they are doing. Kind of random.

But sometimes I feel that I can come off as being annoying with my overly energetic personality. Sometimes I don’t know when to stop. I can keep on going with this little girl at of asking question or being involved and I can piss people off. It’s happened before, and then I would feel so bad. Of course I learn from everytime that happens, that I can’t go that far with that certain annoyingness.

I’m a rez bum, I go to my friend’s rez building a lot just to hang out. I live off campus so he said that I can call it my second home of I wanted to. I would love to take up that offer, but at the same time I feel like a bother sometimes. I feel like a charity case that has no home. He knows how much I want a rez life, and how I’ve never got the chance to have one and he’s here for me. I’m so grateful but I feel like such a hassle. He says I’m like a little sister to him, and I feel like one. He’s always there to take care of me when I’m drunk, or let’s me eat his food when I’m hungry, let me crash when I have no where to go. I feel like a child that has to be taken care of.

My friends say that these aren’t qualities that I should dislike, that it’s because I’m the way I am that they love me. Yes but this can only last for so long. I cannot act like this in 5 years can I? 10 years? What will I have to be then? I don’t know anything different, this is the one way I can act as if I was fun and for people to like me as a person.

How does one mature? Because obviously I haven’t for the past decade, I’m still the same mentally, sexually physical child that I was years ago.