Tatoo fail.

Leave your mark.
Not very smart. Realized how dirty it can come off as.
I still like the idea of it, maybe find a different way of wording it.

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The result.

Was the date a success? I don’t know. I didn’t leave this one with the same satisfactory feeling as our first one. I walked away, and I wondered what exactly happened. It felt like a hang out if anything, so it’s really up in the air if there would be a round 3.

We talked about a lot of stuff again, just this and that. Nothing too deep. He bought me beaver tails and looked at ice sculptures. There was the awkward moment, or course we tried to get rid of those.

I really don’t know. I would like a redo, kind of. There were the good parts of course, but the less than interesting parts were there too. So they kind of cancelled each other out. It ended with us getting off the bus and me running for my bus which was quickly leaving ahead, no time for a hug.

I said thank you for the beavertail and that I had a fun time (That was something he said a few times when we were hanging out) with a smiley face and a winky face, he replied with a ‘me too :)’ I then tried hitting up a convo on facebook chat, joking about something and there was minimal response. Now what? So it’s really up to him.

Hmm maybe he’s feeling the same and I should give him a clue that I’m still interested hanging out. Maybe tomorrow I should casual send a message saying we should play again sometime, just something cute and innocent. Okay that’s the plan.

I got better.

Oh how much has changed in one single year. To fully understand the contrast please refer to: Slut

I’m no longer the ‘slut’ I don’t know what I am anymore. In a way when you look at my numbers since that post it has gone up. Then when you look at me currently, I’m anything but. Here’s the story.

When that post was writting, I have only kissed 3 boys. Then I thought it was a big number, and that it made me slutty. Since then, the numbers started going up. In May I had my first sober kiss. It was spontaneous and I don’t think I liked it that much. I met the boy on a sunny Friday afternoon in May, then we ended up making out in his basement. It was short, but I had to stop it. It didn’t feel right. Needless to say, never spoke to him ever again, even though he lives down the street from me. After that I made out with someone I met on our girls night out to Niagara falls in July, drunk of course. After that had a party in August and ended out making out with a school friend, weird, drunk. Then two days after that, I had my second official sober makeout. I mentioned this before, I enjoyed it seeing as it was with someone that I liked a lot back in grade 10, and I’ve had a crush on him ever since. Then the weekend after that, gone to second base for the first time with a guy I’ve had my eyes set on when we met two days earlier. After hearing that he thought I hot, I made it my mission. Success. In the course of 4 months, 5 guys.

Then univeristy started, I decided that I don’t want to do that anymore, that I want to meet people before making out with them. I would say I’m doing a very good job compared to before. Kissed a boy briefly during frosh drunk, I got up, tucked him into bed and left. Then I guess I made out with a guy when I was super smashed at a club, I don’t really count that, I have no recollection and I have nothing to say to that. Kissed a boy goodbye at a keggar last month. Not bad, considering as there was several occasion where I could have. I’ve gone out of my way to say no; like pretending to fall over/passout when some guy wanted to kiss me; said no repeatedly to a guy at Greek Olympics, and only kissed him goodbye at the end. I would put my hand up to my mouth when ever he tried, turns out he was an alumni for tke.

I don’t want to be a bitch and say that have standards, but I do. Would I kiss you if I was sober? People tell me that’s half the fun, when you’re so drunk, it doesn’t matter. But I don’t want to have the recollection of sucking face with someone I would not want to if I was sober. I also really want a kiss from someone I like, that’s the one thing I want. Even better sober, to know what it actually feels like. Am I really asking too much?

I’ve got a lot of self control now, and I have more moral respect.

And I like it.

Man…

I finally got my mark for the one course that I’ve been waiting for! I thought I was going to do good, I spent so much time into it. I got a B.

I’ve been having dreams about getting my mark for it, and waking up to find that it was only a dream. Not I wish this was a dream! I wanted atleast an A-.

I feel so gross right now, I feel like a failure. I guess I could have done better, but I thought what I put in was efficient, I guess they wanted more.

You know what this feels like? It felt like when I got my rejection from the school. It feels kind of worse though, because I actually tried and wanted a good mark. I told people that I wasn’t satisfy with the 83 I got in my dream, that I wanted it to be above that. That’s why it’s such a big deal, because I thought I was good enough, so I gave myself a basepoint.

Now I have to try extra hard on my portfolio, even if I think it’s good, this cold happen. I have to go over what they are expecting.

I guess this was a motivational stone, but still, I wanted this to be a mark that would raise my GPA, not slightly lower it. Ugh.

Hmm.

How do you know when you like someone? I haven’t like anyone in so long, that I’m not sure how it feels.

Half the problem is that I don’t let myself like people too easily, too much thought and effort put into something that most likely won’t happen.

But I think I kind of have a crush on someone, still haven’t fully admitted it yet. Atleast not to people that know both me and the person. I don’t know why I always do that. I always have a hard time letting people know who I like, or who I find attractive. Yeah I can admit the hot guy in my class as attractive, but that’s because I don’t know them, and I’m sure I’m not ever going to. It’s too good to be true. When I know them though, it’s harder. I always have to bite my tongue and I get super nervous about it. I just think, once I tell people, they will be able to bring it up and nag me about it. Not that it’s a bad thing. I don’t know. I have issues.

I don’t know if he’s being nice because he knows me and he’s like that to everyone, or if there’s something there.

Ich habe eine klein ‘crush’. I wonder how this is going to turn out… Hmmm.

Single and Looking.

I recycle ideas alot, but that’s just what’s on my mind.

I sound like one of those pathetic girls when I say that I want a boyfriend. I just realized the other day that I’m ‘single and looking’. Before I thought of myself as someone that just take things as it comes, and what ever happens happens, but now I’m actual want a boyfriend.

I think one of the factors is that now that I’m living on my own, I really want a person that I can always depend on to be there. Yes I have friends for that, but they can only be there for so much. If i was home, and my bestfriends are there, it would be different. Because I know I’m their bestfriend too. Here, I don’t know how big of a role I have in some of our friendship. Am I being a bother when I always want to hangout? When you have a boyfriend, you just know you can show up without being judged. Of course not to the point where it’s clingy but you know what I mean.

I still haven’t experienced what it’s like to have boyfriend. And coming into first year university I feel so inexperienced. Is it bad that I was the only girl in my sorority pledge class that is a virgin? I’m not upset that I’m a virgin, but I am kind of upset that I have not experienced it yet. Even girls that don’t, how do I put it, look or act the part has gotten guys. How am I different? I know if I want I can put out and hook up with guys left, right and centre but I want something more than that. Since I started university, I’ve taken the effort to learn to talk to guys and be friends with them, just so I can get comfortable with them. I’m getting there, it’s a good feeling, but the next step is bring friendship up a notch. But how do I let people know I’m interested? I have this problem that I don’t like people unless I know they might like me back. But at the same time, I don’t make a move to show that I’m interested because I’m scared of being rejected. I think I’m also just scared to let guys in cause I don’t know what to do.

I really really want to have that guy that I can cuddle with on a lazy Friday night and watch a movie together. Someone I can be bestfriends with that I can tell anything to. Is it really that hard to ask. As time goes by, I’m watching my friends get into and out of relationships, and all I can do is listen to them talk about it. I don’t know what it’s like. I can’t help my friend out when she goes through a break up because I’ve never had it happen. I don’t know how it feels to get the gaga feeling when you’re with someone you know likes you back. I really don’t know.

I’m really lonely.