No Regrets.

First year of university is done. My first year of adulthood is over. I keep getting these hit of reality ever to often, making me realise that I’m no longer a child and everything that has happened in the past year has been amazing.

After experiencing everything, I really won’t change a thing. I did not get into my dream school for a reason, so I can go here. I did not get into the program I applied to here, so I can meet the people I have met that has changed my life. There were so many factors that would changed how I would have turned out at the end of this year. I’m glad for all the decision I have made. Yes I have not made very good ones from time to time, but it helped me reflect on myself and questioned why I did it. I learned to open myself more, to be more social, something that I craved this time last year. I was able to let people in, into my life, thoughts and problems. I learned that I cannot hide myself anymore, and I have to reach out. I cannot live on a safety net because I don’t want to get hurt. Yes it makes me vulnerable, but that’s life. I have taken more initiative to be with people, I can now make plans with people, and not be so awkward. I’m still the same person, but I have grown so much as a person.

Do I regret everything that didn’t happen last May? Getting rejected. No. Because this year happened. This year has been such a stepping stone in my life. It was the transitional point that I will always be grateful for.

Everything does happen for a reason; if it were any different, I don’t know how my life would alter. It could be better, it could be worse, but where I am right now is just right.

Dream.

Last night I had a dream that I opened the door and walked into the guy I like and some girl getting it on.

I walked out of the room embarrassed, but that soon turned into anger and sadness. I was angry that he would do that with me in the next room. Even though I know we have not established anything, I know he has some kind of feelings back. I was upset because well… the guy I liked was getting it on with some girl.

He came in next door and blamed me that I walked in on them, and felt no remorse. That’s when I got mad and the thoughts of going home and becoming a total slut came into my head. Thinking that ‘I can do that too!’

Thank goodness it was a dream.

Take the bait?

I’ve never tried so hard to give the guys the sign that I’m interested, to try to make it obvious, to give him the green light.

How much do I have to throw myself at you? I stayed on campus till 2 in the morning to hang out with you, and ended up walking home. I complimented on you looking good in boxers. I let you spit on my face for fun (of course it was game and I got to do the same thing back) I slept in the same bed as you. I came to hang out with you basically everyday for the past 2 weeks.

Are you really not going to take the bait?

After talking to a wise someone, there has to be something wrong, I’m giving all the right sign, I’m not hiding it, I’m not leading you on. I’m straight out giving you the signals that I’m interested.

I’m not going to be the one that has to put in all the effort, if you’re not going to meet me half way. I shouldn’t put that much time and effort into it.

No I’m not upset. Mostly because I haven’t been straight up rejected, but it just feels like that without him telling me. I guess I’m kind of frustrated that it doesn’t feel like it’s working out, still I like hanging out with him. I’m not going to make the next two weeks of school awkward between us. I like being around him, his roomate and his floor. Besides, even if there was something, there is two weeks of school left and two weeks of exams after that, he also lives 5 hours away from me. It’s unrealistic. I’m sure if I’m still interested, I can make a better effort in September when I know I don’t have a deadline.

I’m getting over this as I type. Once again, he’ll always be someone that I’m going to be attracted to, through his looks, personality, talents and smarts. The timing is just not right.

FWB.

It happened last month. I did it. I didn’t regret it.

I was drunk, please don’t judge. Yes I made a point in saying that it will not happen drunk, but the time came and it just felt… right. I know it’s naive to think that, that I could get emotionally and physically hurt after, but I just had a feeling. The whole time, he asked me, ‘Why me?’ and I couldn’t give him an answer. I don’t know why I chose him. I think it was just an act of the moment, the right time, the right place.

I met him four years ago, thought he was cute. I always have. We went to different schools and hung out with different crowds, so I never gave it a thought. Not that I’m giving a thought about it now. Then that night came and we saw each other. We know who each other are, and seeing that I’ve always been physically attracted to him, my flirting reflex kicked in and I got what I want. I didn’t think that it would go that far, it was only earlier that week that I did something more with a guy that I haven’t done before. My friends warned me afterwards that I have to calm down cause next time, I might do more. I ensured her that I won’t but then this happened.

She texted me that morning, asking if I did anything I regreted, I said no. She took that as a good sign that I didn’t do it. But then I sent her another message, ‘I didn’t regret it.’ I think she was disappointed in me, she worried about me. I can understand why, this came out of no where. I didn’t come home to reading break thinking that I would lose my virginity. Especially back home, I’m back here maybe 4 times during the school year now, what are the odds.

I still don’t regret it. Somehow afterwards it kind of changed my way of seeing things. Not that I ‘matured’ over this experience but I kind of feel… wiser. I now know what people are talking about and I don’t feel embarrassed or childish about the subject. Because this was something that was eventually going to happen.

We still talk. The morning after was not weird. We hung out. No we did not act like nothing happened, we were mature and talked about it when it was brought up. I told him that I didn’t regret it and he was relieved. If he was to leave in the morning without saying goodbye, I would have felt bitter about it, but he didn’t. He stucked around.

What’s going to happen now? I don’t know, it would be childish to think that something big is going to come out of this. It would be unrealistic. Do I like him? No, I don’t know him enough to. He’ll just always be my first. Then again, we’ve been talking about hanging out again when I’m home, this could be a friendship (with benefits?)

Please don’t judge me.

Troubled.

I fear rejection; I praise acceptance.

In any situation I see the chances of being rejected negativity as a natural thing, it is something I expect. The idea of acceptance and positive feels farfetched, it feels like a miracle. In this whole school thing, reapplying, trying to get into school or with boys. I’m always scared of the feeling of being rejected and not being wanted. At the same time, I’m kind of used to the feeling. I’m used to hearing the bad news and I just kind of expect it now.

My friend says that it’s this negativity that always brings me down. Yes, I understand that it is, but I’m okay with it. It’s just part of my life to have those feelings and it is something that I’m the only one feeling. People don’t know I’m sad and hopeless. I was told recently that I always have a smile, and I feel that I was able to deceive everyone around me as being the happy positive person that they think I am. I don’t need people to know how I feel. I don’t want people to know, to know that I’m more than just a simple smile. I don’t need to be worried about, or thought about. I’m scared about being judged by people when they know what my problems and thoughts are. I’m not perfect and my thoughts and ideas aren’t either.

I’m troubled.

Memoirs.

This is the final draft of Memoirs, an entry that I created 2 years ago. I rewrote it and now I’m submitting it along with my portfolio.

Our world is filled with objects from another time. Almost everything we see, hear, and feel are a remembrance of the past. It can represent the history from centuries ago, or it can be as personal as one’s own memory that brings them back to a specific time or place.

I dream of the future, the unknown, and from time to time the past. I think of times in my life I truly enjoyed. They are strong, every single detail is laid out for me to take in and smile about, at times it becomes too vivid and the realization that it is just a memory makes me wish it was real again.

It is a bitter-sweet thing really, while it is happening it is amazing, but when it is over, it can only exist as a faint memory. It is thoughts like this that make me want to live my life to the fullest. To live in the moment, not care about the past or future, and just make ‘now’ amazing. To gain experience; to assemble the pieces to who I am; to build my life.

What happens when it is all over though? Everything I do will be all but a memory; the good, the bad, the best days of my life, they will all end. In the bigger picture, what happens when I, myself, end? Will I be a memory? It is everyone’s role to make an impact, whether they know it or not. Will I be able to make an impact in someone’s life or better yet the world? Will my actions be remembered? The ones that will remember my last moments in this world, what will happen when they leave?

For that reason, it is my goal in life to create; to leave a mark. As Lord Voldemort in Harry Potter made Horcruxes to have his soul live on, I hope to live on through my creations with art and hopefully someday, architecture. While people die and memories fade, physical structures live on and get admired. Why architecture? It is their beauty that shapes the world around us, and I want to be part of that. To express myself in ways no paintbrush or pencil can, to build a larger-than-life representation of who I am, my ideas, and my dreams

­            ‘Something still exists as long as there’s someone around to remember it. ‘

– Jodi Picoult