Body.

It feels like my life is missing something. I really just want someone there for me.

Today I met up with my best friends who I have not seen in a while cause we all went to different schools. I’m listening to stories about guys telling them how beautiful they are, and that they can get any guy if they wanted to. I’m also listening to them talking about how they are losing weight and such while I stay the same and probably gaining weight.  They all look great, but when I look at my self in the mirror I feel like shit. Listening to all this, it makes me feel unwanted and ugly.

I think I’m starting to have trouble with food, I can’t get my mind off of it. In the past two days, I’ve eaten so much, and not because I’m hungry either. I eat just to eat. I feel fat and bloated all the time, and I don’t like seeing myself in the mirror. I told my friends that if I ever win the lottery that the first thing I would do is get a full body liposuction. They respond with disgust and tell me that I would probably get flab where the fat is taken out. I never thought of that, but that made me feel fatter about myself. I didn’t realize that my tummy was that big that there would be flab. That just kinda made me even more self concious.

I look at myself all the time and I try to divert my gaze else where because I feel so ugly. But really, I can’t look away. I hate how I look and feel. It’s disgusting. How am I suppose to find someone to like me when I can’t even like myself. I’m not going to pretend I’m content with myself just to make that logic work, cause it would be a lie. I was only comfortable complaining about my body to my friends today because they were so close. My friend looked at me and asked,’ Do you talk like that when you’re with people?’ and I don’t. I don’t want them knowing that I’m insecure with myself. I want to give people this false image that I’m comfortable and confident. If they know how I’m really am, they won’t like me.

It really sucks how it feels like everyone around me has got someone, or had someone that thought they were beautiful and perfect. I want that, I want to be wanted. But I really don’t think anyone can think that of me. I know I won’t

I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m just trying to express how I feel. I’m not happy with how I am, and I want it to change.

Advertisements

I hate it.

I want to take a vacation from this family. It is way too ridiculous the way it functions. All the ‘Love you’ and ‘ I care about you’ are all bullshit. How much can you be loving me, when the things you say to me hurt me so much? I don’t like the thought of being in the same room as you, because all you do is bring up my failures of life. I’m finally an adult now, and I don’t need to take your bullshit. You say you support my actions and understand how I’m feeling after I got rejected. You said that it wasn’t my fault, and that I should have gotten in. I know those were only to make me feel better, but when you turn around and go back on everything you said. It really makes me wonder. I slam on me at where it hurts most. You know I’m sensitive there, and you don’t care. You just want your words on everything.

Your feelings are more important than mine. You are selfish. You care about how others view you and your daughter’s success. You tell me to ignore other people. but how about you tell that to yourself? How about you stop caring and stop dropping the Hiroshima on me when you get embarrassed on what others say. I hate that you don’t understand me as a person. You never tried. My whole lifetime growing up, you pretend to care and know about me, but all you know is the superficial stuff. You know what to buy me, you know what I like, but do you really know how I feel? You never do! You don’t make me feel comfortable enough to come and open up to you. All you know how to do is attack me on me and my decisions.

You make me do things that I don’t want to do. I don’t really have a choice now do I? I’m obedient because I want to be a good daughter. But are you a good mother? I never get a say in things, maybe that’s where out communication fails. When I reply give my own suggestions, it is called talking back. This is where I am suppose to get my mouth washed with soup. You tell me how I don’t take you yelling at me well, that I always get in a bad mood. But really? You want me to get turned on by your mean words? What kind of fucked up child do you think I am? I say one thing back, and I am a bad daughter.

I really don’t know what kind of world you and the rest of my family grew up in. A world where there is no trust. You tell me that I can’t trust anyone but family. But trust me, I trust my friends more than I trust you or anyone else of my close family. They understand me, they don’t judge me to a point where I feel hurt. They make up who I am now. You say that they are going to leave me when they have the chance and take advantage of me. They will cheat, lie and steal. If this is your definition of ‘friendship’ then you’re friendship history must have been fucked up.

I hate that you don’t try. I hate that I always get attacked. I hate that you never stick with what you say. I hate that you make me sad.

Dead.

There are just some people in your life that you don’t get to choose. They are there, basically set in stone to haunt your life. You can try to ignore their existence, but no matter what they will make it obvious that they are there. I feel nothing for this person and I’m sure this person feels the same towards me. I would not care if this person suddenly drop dead or gets struck by a truck. I’ve tried so hard to make the awful relationship between us work, but no matter how hard I try he always finds a way to fuck up my progress of trying to be nice. People tell me that I don’t really feel this way towards this person and that I would regret all my deathwishes towards if something does happen. I don’t want this person in my life anymore. I’m so close to leaving him behind me forever. I’m sure he would like my out of his life too. After I leave, I feel no need to ever make the effort to talk to him anymore. This creature has been taunting my life for the past 12 years, and so many times where I’ve wished his existence is gone. I want the only thing keeping us in common is our share of blood, nothing else. I’m not going to try to be civilized either when we are grown adults. I will not want to see him anywhere outside of family gatherings. No cups of coffees for us.

I wish death upon you. You’re dead to me.

hatred.

i have never hated someone so much in my life. i want to cry every time i have the least bit of rage towards him. it’s more then a simple sibling relationship malfunction. whenever i vent about how much i hate my brother, my friends would just say deep inside, i do really love him. i don’t love him. i don’t even like him. i can’t stand the look of him. i’m usually not a violent person, but he is the one that can trigger me to imagine all the horrible things i can do to him. i would literally beat the living shit out of him and smash his head onto the pavement. he can die a slow horrible painful death for all i care. and even if that does happen. i wonder how amazing life would be with out the existance of my brother. my throat wouldn’t ache anymore from yelling at him every single day. my mind wouldn’t explode from all the effort i need to not slit his throat. i’ve never been so graphically gorey in my life with the things i wish would happen to him, until recent a recent ‘snapage’ from that little mother fucker. i have no other emotions except for hate and rage towards that person. i guess i’ve grown up thinking that i have to like him, that it was a moral requirement under the family rules of life. but i understand now that i don’t have to treat him like a brother, i don’t have to pretend i ‘love’ him. i don’t have to make him feel the least be relevant to me in any way. i only have one and half year of dealing with that spawn from satan. after i leave, i don’t have to speak to him ever again. i can come home from university and ignore him while i bond with the rest of the family.
i’m happy just thinking of him out of my life.