Useless.

I don’t feel like I have a choice, that I always have to take what I was given and ask nothing of it. I’m not a strong enough person, I don’t have the ability to make things happen. I’m scared of what can happen, scared of the rejection. I don’t take innitiative or the step towards what I want. I wait around hoping that things will come to me.

This of course is again in the topic of boys.

Well I hope the best, idk I really want you to have a bf now. Idk. I’ve seen everyone else in a relationship.. I want you to have that like, now.

That is what my bestfriend said to me today. I’ve been getting used to the idea that nothing special really happens in my life, and I just kind of dismissed that fact. But when she said that, I thought of how right she is. This is real, it’s not just one of my highschool nightmares when I was younger. Still being by myself never been liked back by someone I liked. Thinking about how I’ve never really had the feeling of being liked back. HavingĀ  my friends want something like that for me. I always make it seem like it doesn’t matter to me, but it does. I always think about why, or when. What gives?

Now I discovered another reasoning behind my singleness. I just don’t take charge. I would see people I might be interested in, and all I do is hope that maybe they would have the same interest back. I wait for guys to come up to me. Never the other way around. And if people I talk to don’t seem to show interest, I leave. And like that, I’m done. I’m scared of rejection. The embarrassment of it, of being the girl that got shot down.

I envy girls that have the ability to have who ever they want. Back in grade 9, I would have gym class with these pretty confident girls. I pointed out a cute guy from the grade 11 gym class, and within a week they would be talking and hanging out. While I watch it happen. I never did anything about it. I just accepted the fact that I will never be able to do that, to have the choice that they did.

I’m useless.

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Introvert

Average, plain, mediocre, typical, ordinary, boring.

That is how I feel. I don’t ever feel special. I just feel like I’m just another person that people just walk past and forget about. When people see me, I’m just another face. So hard do I wish that I was more than that, that when people meet me there is a special piszaz that makes the person want to know me more. I’m plain on the interior and the exterior.

There are those people that have a glow when they enter a room, they just light up the whole atmosphere. And I’m one of those people that is part of the background.

I was at a university interview last weekend. I had to sit in a room with about 100 people my age or older. I entered the room, surveyed my surrounding and the people in it and went to find a decent seat. It seems as the boys in front of me might have already know each other before, or they just quickly acquainted each other. The guys to the right of me definetly knew each other, the girl to the left was just there. Soon another guy came in and sat beside the girl to the left of me. ‘Are you nervous?’ he asked. They then got into a comfortable conversation and he told her what to expect in the test we are about to write, because he has previously taken it before. The boys in front of me took notice of what he was saying and joined in the conversation. Could I have done the same thing and made me just listening in less awkward? Yes I could have, but I didn’t. Then moments later as things settled down, the boys in front of me strike up a friendly conversation with the girl a few empty spaces over, she soon moved closer to talk to them and they talked about everything. I felt so lame at the moment. She was average, not the nottest bun in the oven, kind of sketchy (Yes I definetly judged her) I wondered how can people just pick people to start talking to? I was right behind them wasn’t I? I tried to look approachable and friendly, I guess that didn’t work.

So what does work? I don’t seem approachable when I don’t try, and I’m not either when I do. What do I have to do for people to talk to me? I’m trying to work up the guts to talk to people first, I thought I got it down pretty good until that moment.

This was my first time the moment of being in a new environment with new people that I have been waiting for, this was my first taste of next year, and I couldn’t step out of my comfort zone. God knows what my social life would be like next year.

self doubt.

so i got my report card for my first semester on wednesday, and i must say that i am uber happy with my result. iĀ  ended up with an average of 90%. yay! but i know deep inside, the only reason i have this mark is because i had painting and design as two of my four courses. sometimes it feels like im dumbed down by the courses i choose. my biff’s are always talking about how hard their courses are and they do have hard courses. and then there’s me. i just feel like i can’t measure up to them. when ever they talk about their long bio lab/essays, all i can do is sit and listen. i feel ashamed when i bring up my classes, and what i have to do in them. even if they are not thinking it, it feels like they are thinking something like ‘ew why is she complaining about her easy ass courses?’ and stuff like that. it’s not that i’m too dumb to take those courses, i just don’t need those courses. they want to get into med, and i want to do architecture. they do science all day in school, i draw and design. i understand that you can’t compare the two , but i feel under them. i bet deep inside people are like, ‘orange shouldn’t be getting those marks, its all because of her arts and designs. they’re lazy’ i’m going to admit they are easy, but they are things i enjoy doing. i’m talking about such mixed topics here. basically, i don’t feel that i can measure up to my friends, because i can’t compare to their hard courses.

i also got my data management test i wrote on Wednesday back today. surprisingly i did alright with a 89%. i personally didn’t feel that confident when i wrote the test since i knew there was a question or two that i didnt fully get, resulting in a loss of a few marks.

i hate how anti social i am. it makes it even worse because my best friend can become buds with everyone. i get so jealous of her, she’s one of those people that can strike up a friendly conversation with anyone. she is the one of those people that you see in hallways that is always smiling at you even though you don’t know her. she is the type of person that would give you friendly hello when you see her. it makes me upset that it’s so easy for her, and that i can try so hard but i would always be so shy. she’s just so likable, while i’m so not. i don’t feel comfortable around new people, i try to say hi to people but i always end up chickening out and eventually regretting it. example, me and my friend are the only grade 11ers in the class of grade 12 data management. she sits behind me, and she is now buds with all the people around her. then you see me, the other asian girl that just watch her talk to people and hope that she is able to maybe sneak in with a comment or too. in the past year i’ve improved with my people person skills. i’ve learned to get the guts to start talking and saying hi to strangers, though i know that is not enough. i think it was the way i was raised, the way i was so sheltered my whole life and was afraid of people in general. i never had a great childhood with making friends. i moved around alot and switching schools a couple of times in my early years of school. it was always hard for me. i was always the girl that got stuck with the outcasts of the class. highschool got better, though i still feel more comfortable with the few close friends, and leaving everyone out. my fear right now, heading off the university and struggling all over again. i envy her so much gets me upset everytime.